yes to heaven - xiaoven ↲⠀✔️⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀

iv. melody's flight on the gale

xiao
—

the tip of my pen has grazed my paper multiple times in the last twenty minutes, but i still can't write anything properly. i find it weird — maybe now that i've found friends, my notebook is telling me to pay attention to them, instead of it.

we've came back from the graveyard, and after the shamble with kazuha's paper, no one really stayed up. it's already two, and considering these people, it feels uncharacteristic for them to already be asleep.

i can't sleep. i'm scared nightmares of my past will haunt me. or my failure to catch the picture. or a bad dream of my new "family" also being taken away. i don't know how to show it, but i love them all very much, for just taking me in.

especially venti. i don't know how, but my heart flutters whenever i set my gaze upon him. his gentle nature, his pretty eyes, pretty voice...

oh archons, i sound so cheesy right now. is this what a crush is? someone running through your headspace, uninvited?

"xiao, you just wrote down your feelings to venti in your notebook, i'd definitely recommend not letting anyone look through it," scaramouche jolts me from my embarrassing daydream. i was completely sure he was asleep, how long has he been watching me for?

"please don't tell," my voice comes out broken and high, causing scara to raise an eyebrow at me.

"why would i? this is much more amusing," he smirks. not very reassuring, but i'll have to take his word for it. after all, he's the best friend i've had in a while, "but in all seriousness, i wouldn't do that to you."

"thank you."

"anytime, my rat." 

"be honest : do you have any feelings for anyone of us?" i ask. i feel like a middle schooler, trying to tease my friend into admitting their crushes.  it's so immature, but isn't it right for me to ask all the silly questions now, when i didn't have a chance to ask them before?

"i have an ex-boyfriend, his name is tartaglia. after we broke apart, i never really felt romantic feelings for anyone again. maybe it's my own sheer stuborness...or maybe it's a silent tribute to a love that could've burnt beautifully in the right conditions."

i find scaramouche to be an interesting person. his personality swings from snaps and yaks to a beautifully crafted story teller. i wonder what inspired these changes, what experiences shaped him to become like this — he's like a firecracker, burning, beautiful, and passionate all whilst ready to destroy whatever comes in his way.

"ahh, interesting."

"what do you like about venti?" he asks. he pulls out black nail polish, and starts coating his nails in the black liquid. is this what sleepovers are like?

"i really don't know. he's pretty. his personality is pretty."

"xiao, what the fuck?"

"i'm not experienced in the ways of romance."

"i can tell," scara snickers, "come here, i'll paint your nails turquoise."

i don't show it, but my heart skips a teensy beat in happiness. i've always wanted to paint my nails. mother and father never allowed it, but now here's my chance.

"how do you like it here, with us?"

"it's great. i'm glad to have people who i can rely on, people who don't constantly make me feel like trash," i sigh.

"i know the feeling. fucking useless stupid humans make us feel like we're nothing, but who are they to decide out self worth? we are only as good as we decide we can be, not what others perceive us as."

"that went from very aggressive to strangely poetic."

he gives me a lopsided smile, "it's one of my selling points."

as he stands up to put the nail polish bottle back into a box on the shelf, he lets out a slight gasp, before continuing to hyperventilate. a jolt of worry runs down my spine. what could've possibly triggered him, we're at home right now.

"scara, you good?"

"yeah i'm fine. just iron deficiency."

my newly-found anemic friend collapses on the bed beside me before chuckling. 

"do you ever wonder what other people would think of us, five runaway emo teenagers living in an apartment, and 3/5 of us have attempted suicide."

"i don't really care. weren't you the one who said only we can decide our selfworth?"

"this isn't philosophical shit. i'm just asking how much do you think their gonna laugh at our current state, dumbass," he teases, "kudos for trying though."

the red LED screen of the clock blares a bitter "4:32 AM". our sleeping schedules are anything but ok. i, honestly, like it. who needs sleep when you have a crazy nocturnal songbird, a calm and contained disaster gay, his flirty boyfriend, and an angry socrates boy?

"do you think venti likes me back?"

"you're so oblivious it hurts. xiao, he's been looking at you nonstop for the last two days, of course he fucking likes you."

"how am i supposed to tell him that?"

"that, my friend, is completely and entirely up to you. i'll be your aromantic dating advisor but i really don't know how confessions work," scara smiles.

a bunch of thoughts hit my mind, leading to a spiraling abyss of negativity. what is he hates me, what if he's staring because i'm a pitiful being, maybe he doesn't even love me, maybe he regrets ever paying attention to me on that night in the bridge, what if he wants to kill me, maybe he's waiting to stab me up like a butcher does and throw my body one piece at a time—

"hey, what's wrong?"

scara's observation skills are somewhat concerning. i don't usually display my emotions on my face, since my resting face just looks something like a sleep deprived pigeon.

"intrusive thoughts."

"look at me. what is the first thought when you see me?" he says.

"something great."

"exactly. so be something great," he starts, "newton's first law states that an object in motion will stay in motion, until acted upon by an outside force."

"this isn't science class, scara."

"i know it isn't, jackass. i'm just saying, you're gonna continue spiraling down these thoughts until you put your own effort into stopping it. we're here to help you with that."

"if i die, you don't have to do that," i remark.

"fucking stupid rat. how are you supposed to confess to venti and be my best friend if your dead?"