Just One More Chapter

Chapter 6

We walk in silence the whole time until we reach the near the small bridge close to the woods. The little lake underneath it somehow looks clear and alive.

"We could have smoked near the bookstore. " I say glancing at Joe who is taking out a lighter and a cigarette out of her tote bag.

She frowns at me like I made a stupid comment, "Many teachers come there and I don't want to risk these kind of things."

She lights up the cigarette, takes a puff and asks, "You have smoked before, right?"

"Just twice." I answer, accepting the other cigarette and lighter. A few months ago if someone would have asked me about smoking, I would have said a straight no but here we are. In the city school, I was one of the best athlete of football. Remembering about the time in my life where I made my school win many awards and trophies makes my heart ache. These were the favourite moments of my life. Covered in sweat and screaming happily with my teammates when we were handed the trophy, sneaking out on weekends to go to parties, my father hugging me and congratulating me with pride in his eyes. But all of my favourite memories are cursed by that one memory. Connected with that one memory.

I still daydream about how good life would be if that evening I cancelled my training for relaxing or any other reason. If I could right now go into the past and change it, I would. I would do anything in my capacity to stop my younger self from going to the playground that day. Anything.

My hands start trembling as the memory of what happened that day starts playing in my head and I try to stop it but it doesn't pause. I lift my shaking hand and put the cigarette on my lips and take a puff, it doesn't help much but just for a moment, it feels better. I can't do this right now. I don't want to shake, cry or scream in front of someone. No. Please.

"Jayce, are you okay? Your hands are shaking." She asks carefully placing her hand on my shoulder to calm me down but all it does is trigger me even more. I don't know what to do because I want someone to hold me but I get disgusted when someone tries to slightly touch me.

I sit down on the ground trying to calm down. It's okay. It has happened before. I try to breathe but I can't feel any oxygen around me. I don't hear any sound other than my heavy breaths. If I'm breathing, why can't I feel it?

I think Joe is telling something to me but I can't understand it. I know I'm not crying which is a good thing but my breathing is getting heavier and harder.

Joe comes and sits beside me trying to calm me down but it doesn't help. She comes face to face, and whispers slowly, "Jayce, you have to focus. Listen to me." I try to focus on her voice as she continues to speak, "It's alright. Okay? Try to inhale with me. The way I tell you to." She rises her left hand as she inhales, "Try to breathe slowly as I count. 1..2..3..4.. Now hold your breathe for 4 seconds." I try to follow whatever she is trying to command but it's so difficult because my own body isn't in my control . "Now exhale 1..2..3..4.."
She keeps directing this for almost ten times and gradually my lungs welcome in the air and my hands stop trembling. I don't know if this was because of what Joe made me do or just how it ends.

It seems like a long time since we both said something. My eyes remain closed because I can't explain how much I've embarrassed myself today. It's hardly been a month in this town and I fucking had a panic attack in front of someone. Why couldn't I just have stayed home. I can't contemplate how angry I feel at myself. My fists clench and my head starts aching, "I'm sorry." I try to sound normal but my voice screams weak.

I still feel Joe's hand on my right shoulder as she responds, "It's okay. Everyone gets anxious. Panic attacks are normal. Nothing to feel embarrassed about."