Healing Her Heart

Chapter 25

I woke up feeling particularly embarrassed. I had practically begged Dan to have sex with me and he hadn't. I was starting to think there was something wrong with me – he clearly wanted to but at the same time maybe he was repulsed by my past and didn't want to dirty himself by sleeping with me. Perversely, a small but insistent voice in my head told me I had wanted him to do it – I was so confused. I sat up holding the covers close to me and looked down at Dan sleeping beside me. He looked so peaceful, like he dreamt of nothing to disturb his mind – not like the night terrors I had to face. Although come to think of it, since Dan had started sleeping by me they were much less frequent and much less graphic. More often than not I had a dreamless sleep and when I did dream it was not the sharp painful recollection of what had been but rather a fuzzy idea that I was running from something. I itched to be doing something, being cooped up in this tiny house was affecting my sanity I was sure – I was even quite eager for Dan to wake up to see if he would take me outside again.

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I looked down at him again and found that his eyes were open, watching me, and he was smiling. I seldom liked conversations started by Dan so I decided to get in first.

"Can we go somewhere today? I'm so bored of being inside." I smiled back at him as I asked my question – I was more likely to get my way if I played nice.

He stretched and yawned before he replied.

"Sure. We could take the quad and go for a ride."

I was quiet for a while, watching out the window, as Dan woke himself up properly and sat up beside me. His side and mine were in contact but it didn't feel threatening in the light of day.

"I need to say something" and "About last night" we both spoke at once.

"You go first." Dan told me.

"I wanted to say thank you. For not acting on my suggestion." I couldn't bring myself to say more in case he thought I was giving him another opportunity.

"That's ok. I know you think I'm mad but I am in control of myself and I really don't want to hurt you like that. I just need to be able to show you how I feel about you." Dan paused, looking at me to see how freaked out I was. Apparently I didn't look too scared as he continued. "I love you and I only want you to be happy. I know we can be happy together but you don't accept that yet and I suppose I just have to wait. If I keep showing you that I'm not going to hurt you one day you'll start to believe me."

I didn't bother arguing with him that just because he didn't hurt me physically didn't mean that no damage was done – his conviction that what he was doing was right was so strong that even I was starting to believe it. Maybe I was more likely to be ok here, with him, than back at home. At home I don't think anyone would have really forced me to face up to my fears, I would have been allowed to pretend that everything was ok – to present a respectable shell while I died inside. Here I was often emotional, terrified of what Dan would make me do next but at the same time I was glad that I was actually feeling something – I could think of nothing worse than the emptiness I had got used to feeling in the caves.

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Once up, dressed and breakfasted I wrapped up in as many layers as I could find remembering how cold I had been after my last quad experience and went out to meet Dan in the shed. This time I straddled the bike behind Dan and tentatively wrapped my arms round his waist as the bike roared to life. We set out across the hillside. Pretty soon the air was moving past me so quickly I could hardly catch my breath and my eyes were watering causing the countryside to whiz past in a blur of autumnal colours. The ride was exhilarating. Although every jolt sent me hard up against Dan's back and I clung to him tightly I was not afraid of falling.

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We crested a rise some time later and a whole herd of red deer like the one we had seen on the way to the woods were spread out in front of us. Dan suggested we stop and watch them and I happily agreed with him as my legs were starting to get stiff from the bike. He propped himself up against the bike and gestured for me to sit with him. When I hesitated he looked a little sad.

"I promise I won't do anything to you and you'll be warmer if you lean on me." He said.

I sat down and shuffled back so that I was between his legs and lying back on his broad chest, he was right, it was warmer at ground level with another person's body heat to share. I watched the deer slowly move across the hillside grazing as they went. After some time a bellowing challenge rang out and a large stag appeared at the edge of the group – an answering call came from the stag already with the group. The two animals faced up to each other swinging their antlers from side to side before locking them together with a clatter. I was mesmerised as they fought bout after bout until finally the stag who had tried to muscle in on the females turned and fled – his sides heaving from the exertion.

"Wow," I said to Dan. "They look so strong! I've never seen deer fight before."

"They spend all year getting fit enough for the rut. When I was younger I used to come and watch them and once I saw two males get stuck together – the next year I found their skeletons still locked by the antlers. I never really got why they would risk their life fighting for a female but I think now I understand."

I turned and looked at Dan to check his meaning; he looked at me and nodded. A blush coloured my cheeks and I turned back to the deer.

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After the fight we got back on the quad and Dan drove me over the landscape pointing out places he would go when he was a child and wanted to escape the loneliness of the tower – imagining all this through the eyes of a child made me sad to think of how alone he must have felt, at least I had him for company. We ate by a mountain stream and drank from its waters. It was strange how much it felt like Dan was a friend instead of a crazy, obsessed kidnapper. By the time we got back to the tower I was exhausted and fell asleep on one of the sofas.

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I woke when Dan picked me up to carry me upstairs and was instantly afraid. During our day trip I had looked on Dan almost as a friend – he had not pushed me for physical contact I did not wish to give but I had more sense than to feel the same way as he took me upstairs. He set me on my feet in the tower room and proceeded to undress.

"Can I have my nightie back?" I asked, thinking he might agree.

"No, you don't need it."

"But it's cold."

"I'll keep you warm." He smiled at me – like a wolf grins at a lamb it is about to eat.

Dan crossed the room to me as I stood staring at my feet; he lifted my chin so he had access to my mouth and kissed me. When he finished his hands moved to my jeans to undo them -I stepped back from him.

"I can do it."

He shrugged.

"Hurry up then."

He climbed into bed as I hurriedly undressed and joined him.

"Will you kiss me Sara?"

What would he do if I said no?

"I don't want to."

"Alright."

He turned over and went to sleep.