Healing Her Heart

Chapter 18

Over the next few days I made myself spend time with Dan. I learned that he liked to read sci-fi novels, that he had gone to boarding school before doing a degree in geography then joining the army and that he hated sun dried tomatoes. He had quizzed me on trivial things like my childhood pets and my favourite colour. I gave him just enough physical contact that he didn't push me for more and we reached an uneasy balance. I had hoped that he might begin to trust me enough to begin to relax the security but luck was not with me on that score, he was as obsessive as ever about keeping me in the house but out of the computer room. I wanted to try to get more information about his past from him and I wanted to try to persuade him to let me get in touch with my parents as I was sure they must be worried. I pondered this as I sat in bed waiting for Dan to bring me breakfast as he had the last five mornings since I stopped trying to avoid him.

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"Here you go." Dan said as he handed me a plate with a cream cheese bagel.

I accepted the food and ate as I listened to Dan.

"Do you want to go out today?" he asked

I swallowed before I replied.

"Where to?" Maybe he would take me somewhere new and I could get away from him, maybe this would be his mistake.

"Just into the woods. I thought you might be getting cabin fever." He smiled at me.

I badly wanted to get out into the world. I felt like I imagined an exhibit in a zoo might feel, constantly watched while it went about life inside a prison, and the lure of seeing something new was attractive. There was also the prospect of escape. Something made me hold back though. A dim warning in the back of my mind; wasn't there always a trip into the woods in those horror films I had watched with my friends – didn't the lone female usually end up being chased then killed? Don't be stupid, I told myself, if he wanted to kill me he would have done it by now.

"Ok," I eventually replied, "What do I need to wear?"

"Just some jeans and a top. We won't do anything too extreme – I don't think you're up to a long hike yet. It's just that there are some pretty great places round here that we could walk to when you're a bit stronger. We could even take a trip to the beach." He seemed to light up as he thought about the places he could show me and I wondered again about his past. I told myself it was purely to see if there was anything I could exploit and denied that part of me was interested in Dan. Dan was already dressed so he went to wait downstairs for me as I pulled on jeans and a jumper and drew my hair up into a ponytail. At the front door Dan grunted as he shouldered a massive backpack causing me to worry about what he was bringing with us then we stepped out.

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I felt slightly overwhelmed by all the space around me as I trudged along beside Dan over the tufts of heather. A light mist clung to everything, spiders webs in the heather looked to be strung with diamonds and droplets of shining liquid formed in Dan's hair. Pretty soon I was too out of breath keeping up with Dan to talk much so I continued to just look at the scenery as Dan began to point things out to me.

"Look, a stag!" He exclaimed pointing to a spot to our right, "It's the rut at the moment so we might even be lucky and see some more, they get braver at this time of year."

The stag watched us before emitting a booming, mournful cry. It was a beautiful animal, the antlers and massive muscles making him look regal, the king of the forest. I kept looking back at the stag as we got closer and closer to the tree line. I remembered that awful day I had first tried to reach the top of the ridge and the trees with Dan pursuing me, I had been sure that when I reached the trees I would reach safety. As we finally crested the rise and came up to the edge of the wood all I could see was a shadowy tangle of undergrowth disappearing into the dim light between the massive conifers. The light was tinged with green, bracken grew round lichen covered rocks and green, damp mosses wrapped round the tree trunks. There was certainly no sign of other people and I finally accepted what Dan had told me about our isolation.

"I don't want to go in there." I stated leaving off the implied 'with you'.

"We have to; I want to show you the waterfall. It's not far inside." Dan sounded reasonable as he took hold of my arm to guide me forward. I held back, suddenly truly afraid of entering the dimly lit forest.

"I don't want to see it." I backed up further and Dan caught hold of my shoulders forcing me to look at him. I tried to avoid his stare.

"Sara look at me." Dan demanded, "Nothing bad will happen to you, I want to show you something beautiful."

With that Dan kissed my forehead, took my hand and pulled me into the shadows.

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I had little choice but to keep up with Dan or fall to the ground and probably be dragged. It was another reminder, as if one had been needed, that he was the one in control and that I had to do what he wanted. I decided to challenge him on it.

"Why do you always do that?" I asked

He turned back to look at me, puzzled.

"Do what?"

"You never listen to me. You always think you know best. It doesn't matter what I want to you." I sounded like a petulant child.

"Firstly it is ridiculous to say what you want doesn't matter to me. I want nothing more than to love you in all sense of the word but I don't because I know that it isn't what you want. I'm trying really hard to be patient with you and not to push you into doing anything that will hurt you but you're scared of everything and you can't live like that. If I let you, you would just stay in your room all the time and never start living again. I can't let you do that."

"So let me go, let me be someone else's problem." I looked down at my shoes, knowing what his answer would be.

"I can't."

"I won't tell anyone about you. I'll just go home and say I left by myself."

"No. I'm not afraid of you telling people – I'm afraid of losing you. I know you don't want to hear it but I love you and I won't give you up."

Dan didn't give me a chance to respond just spun on his heel and marched off. I contemplated not following him but we were deep enough into the trees that I doubted I could find my way out again and for some reason I was almost as afraid of the gloomy forest as I was of Dan.

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Eventually I could hear running water somewhere ahead and the light got slightly brighter. Dan stopped and as I came up beside him I gasped. It was like a fairy vale. Crystal clear water bounced down a rocky cliff face into a deep pool before meandering off into the trees all the while making a gurgling sound. Green leaves adorned the cliff and the banks of the stream, a shelf like rocky beach led down to the edge of the pool. The sunlight had managed to penetrate the branches so that it made the ripples in the water sparkle and dance. After the white walls of the tower and cottage it was almost too beautiful for me to comprehend. While I stood dumbfounded Dan was busy setting up a blanket and lunch beside the pool. I was truly grateful to Dan for making me come with him.

"Thank you for bringing me here, it's really lovely." I mumbled at Dan as I sat on the blanket, tired from my walk.

"I knew you would like it. I brought the tent so we'll stay out here tonight."

Here it was, a chance to escape – if I waited until he slept I could have hours before he realised I was missing.

"Ok." I kept my enthusiasm to myself.