𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐝, guy germaine

𝐓𝐖𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐘-𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑 | change

An excerpt from For Better Or Worse: Chapter Thirteen - The Beginning of the End
June 2005

"I JUST WANT TO die. I just want to die." She seemed to repeat. Those were words I never thought I'd hear from Opal, but yet here we were.

She was right on track with all of the poor symptoms of the disease. She's in a major bout of depression, and she's having memory problems. That's on schedule considering how many CD4 cells she's lost.

Today had already been so hard that we had the kids go with their Uncle Jimmy, but it shouldn't have been. It was our ten year anniversary of the day we first met. I didn't understand why today had triggered all this, but I wasn't going to rest until she was better and safe from the edge she created in her mind.

"You don't want to die, Opal." I forced her head against my chest, forcing her to hear my words reverberate through my chest. "It's a tough day, not a tough life."
"It's- I know it's you, but I look and I don't recognize you." She spoke through tears. "Why should I live if I can't even recognize you some days?"
"'Because you still love me, even if you don't know I'm me."
"It's not that simple." She nestled further into my lap, trying to hide her head under a blanket.

She was starting to forget me and the kids. Sometimes she would fumble her words trying to call one of them by their names, forgetting their name entirely though she knew they were hers. Other times all the words were there. Some days she had no doubt in her mind who I was, and others it took more time. It was heartbreaking. But at least she always knew when she heard me talk.

"Do you know what today is, my love?" I asked her gently.
"Uh-uh."
"Ten years ago today, something very special happened. You came into my life on your little street corner, singing like a siren calling for me. You remember?"
"Mhm, of course I remember." She snuggled deeper. "I saw you and I knew I wanted you even though I shouldn't have."
"And look at us now."
"You're an amazing father, and I'm just here, losing my mind."
"You're not losing your mind. You're just having some rough days."
"Guy, please, be real about this. I've been sick for ten years - rough days were the first nine. I'm in my dying years now. And I would rather die now than forget anything else. I don't want to forget you. I don't want to forget my babies. I don't want to turn into someone else without knowing."
Her tears wet my shirt, making my skin chill beneath the fabric. She was smaller by the day, more fragile than ever before.

"I'm gonna make sure you don't turn into somebody else. You're doing a great job with everything, honey." I kissed her cheek. "Can I run you a bath?"
"Okay."

By the time I had run her the bath and she had gotten changed out of her clothes, she was dozing off in the water.

"Would it be okay if I came in? I don't want you to fall asleep in there alone."
"Okay." She seemed even less enthused than she was when I proposed the bath, but she accepted me as I stepped in behind her, letting her lay against me.

"You're right." She sighed. "I don't want to die. It's just a feeling. I have love in my life and people who need me, I can't die unless it's my time."
"I'm glad you're seeing that."
"I just feel like I'm dying. I never thought I would, but I am. I just wanna hold my kids and be for certain I know everything I need to know about them. I want to be strong enough to carry them."
I brushed her hair back through my fingers. The things she was saying were physically painful to me.

"If I could give you all my strength I would. If I could trade places with you, I would. I would much rather it be me with AIDS than watch you go through it. But I can't." I rubbed her head, trying to keep myself calm for her. "I would die if it would end this pain for you. I'm so sorry it's so painful."
"I love you. And you're doing nothing wrong." She ran her hand up my chest. "I know you're you, but you don't look like the you I remember. I remember you at 16, that's all."
"Hm, I must be looking old to you."
"No, you've aged really well. Really well... I like the scruff. Kinda sexy on you."
"Kinda? You used to throw yourself at me when I didn't shave." I teased. "I forgive you though."
She finally chuckled at me, holding on tight to me.

"Can I see the babies?" She asked. "I want to hold my babies."
"The babies are with your brothers."
"Okie."
"You wanna get out and play me a song?"
"Sure, anything you want." She perked up, standing up and getting right out of the tub on her own. Sometimes she'd be able to get right back into the swing of things like that.

Within a few minutes, she had picked her favorite guitar - the one she used to play on the street - and was sitting on the back porch in her robe, waiting for me.

"What do you want me to play?"
"Do you remember 'Dagger' by Slowdive?"
"I never forget, so of course." She smiled, starting to strum away. I could tell that as she went along, it became harder for her to keep up with the strumming pattern, her arm was too weak.

"She whispers while I'm sleeping: 'I love you when you smile.' I didn't really lose you, I just lost it for a while."
As she slowly lost pace, I gently set my hand on her wrist, helping her move it to keep up the pace. As she finished, she leaned back into my chest, her breath shaking.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't even play a song anymore."
"No honey, that was great. It's not wrong to need help. I love to help."
"...If you strum, I can do the chords." She suggested.

She chose "House of Pain" by Faster Pussycat next - she was a sucker for an '80s rock ballad, but I loved it. I couldn't help but feel I was messing it up with my strumming, as I was making a total guess each time. But she assured me that I was doing great, leaning into my arm as she sang gently.

By the end of the song, she was asleep in my arms. And though I had been trying not to bawl my eyes out all morning, I let it all go, begging my chest to at least keep my breathing steady so she can rest.

I never thought these moments would come when we first found out she was sick. I never let myself deal with the pain of her diagnosis - I had to be there for her, give her the life she strongly deserved. I never thought about the consequences; about moments like these; about having to raise our two kids on my own when she was gone. Those were the scariest things to face, and I just couldn't.

Only in these brief moments would I let those feelings come out, praying nobody else would hear or know. I was the strong husband because that's what she needed. I'd be that until the day I died.

❛ ━━･❪ ♥ ❫ ･━━ ❜

riles' honkytonk and saloon
1289 words

the end is near, folks 😭

i know a lot of these feel redundant to me but i need to fill in some blanks...

i cry every time i write this book now so thats why updates have been delayed.

guy's pov on all this makes me sob

thank you so much for reading! comments and votes motivate me a lot so i really appreciate them :)