Scintilla

1. The Beginning of the End

Lucas sweeps his hands through his hair, a nervous tick he's had since he was a child. I feel my lips twitch into a smile. Even now after months of being apart his mannerisms warm my heart.

"Lucas, please say what you want to say," I whisper with a laugh. His eyes glance at mine before moving to stare at the wall. His lips pull into a tense line.

"I don't know how to say it," he carefully replies.

This is unusual. Lucas isn't the type of person to hesitate. He is a bulldozer, fiercely breaking down walls and stating his opinion. His honesty often puts him at odds with people who don't know him. But Lucas remains fearless, some might say to a dangerous degree.

Lucas's broad shoulders tense under my continued scrutiny, "You've never hesitated before. Why start now? You know that regardless of anything I will always be by your side."

My sincere words draw a smile from his full lips. For the first time, since dinner began, his golden eyes regain the sparkle I've come to love. He avoids the topic a little longer by eating another piece of the carbonara I prepared for him.

He slowly chews before opening his mouth and blurting, "I'm getting married."

For a second all I can hear is white noise. As if I'm caught in the middle of a movie scene where the world continues and I'm stuck in a moment. Unable to move because I know that moving is an acknowledgment of what is happening, an acknowledgment of the world crumbling at my feet.

I see Lucas's lips still moving. I try to focus, to understand what he is saying but I can't. My chest feels tight and my eyes are blurry. I know my face is devastated and Lucas, who's always been terrible at reading people but always unbearably kind, is more frantic as time passes and I remain silent.

It's okay. It's okay. I close my eyes and force my face to relax into something acceptable, curious and excited instead of broken. It's okay. This too shall pass. This mountain of pain that is slowly consuming me shall pass. My overheated mind is replaying all the instances in which Lucas has brought me light and comfort. My dreams of a beautiful relationship where I wouldn't need to be afraid are fading. My plans realigning. My fate is rewiring. Everything has changed. There is no time. But despite everything I'm here and so is Lucas.

I feel a gentle touch on my hand, which is white with the tight grip it has around the fork. It's okay. It has to be. I breathe out once. I make sure my mask is in place and open my eyes to meet Lucas's.

Lucas's face is pale with worry. His golden skin is ashy and his hands are wrapped around mine. Even now his lips won't stop moving. I remove my hand from his and bring it up in a placating gesture.

"Stop. Please stop. I haven't heard anything since you said you were getting married. The shock was too strong," I state with a shaky smile.

Lucas leans back into his chair, his chest raises with his sigh. He tips his head back but his golden eyes stare right at me.

"I know this is a shock. I just didn't know how to tell you over the phone so I came here and I don't know."

"Lucas I wasn't even aware you were in a relationship. You've been gone for less than a year. This is the first time I see you in person and then you say you are getting married. It took a while to process."

Lucas bites his lip as he nods, "Yes. Yes, I understand. I don't want you to think that I was hiding things from you because I wasn't or at least it didn't begin that way," He waits for me to acknowledge his words before continuing, "I was just in a new city for a new job and I didn't know anyone or anything. I was lonely and missing everyone back home and then I met her, Amber. We started as friends and Luna," he stops his eyes glinting with love for someone I have never met, "we are opposites in so many ways. It's strange, we shouldn't have even gotten along but we did and our friendship quickly transformed into a relationship. I didn't know how to speak of it. I didn't want to escape our bubble, the safety of our love. I knew that if I talked about it to any of you, you would have questions and I didn't want to think. I just wanted to feel. I love her, I truly do. Everything about her makes me immensely happy. And then we were all so busy so we weren't talking a lot. And it seemed stupid to say I'm in a serious relationship when everything with Jake and Kimberly was happening. So I stayed quiet. And I know these all sound like excuses because at the end of the day I didn't say anything but it wasn't with any malicious intentions."

I lick my dry lips. I have never heard Lucas ramble with nerves. I have never seen his face soften with love, the type of love that I imagine legends are made of. It hurts. It hurts so much. Later when Lucas has left and I'm left alone with my thoughts, I will replay every instance where things could've been different. Where I could've said something. Where it was me that Lucas was talking about with such depth of feeling. Where the what-ifs will take me down a fantasy road where it is Lucas and I preparing for a wedding. But right here reality is what I have. There is no room for what-ifs only what is.

"Are you happy," I question.

"Yes, I never thought this happiness was possible," his smile is brilliant.

I gather the facts and push all the misery blooming in my chest down. It's not the right time or place. Amber makes Lucas happy. Lucas deserves all the happiness in the world. Lucas loves Amber.

"Then I'm happy."

He laughs, rises from his chair, and throws his arms around me. I sink into the warmth of his embrace, clutching his shoulders, and remind myself that nothing is owed to me. No matter how much everything burns, Lucas is truly happy and that brings me joy. This pain shall pass. I will overcome this like I have overcome all obstacles in the past.

I release a laugh and pat him on the back.

"Does your mom know?"

He freezes, looks down at me, and whispers, "I was hoping you would help me with that."

"Lucas," I say with a smile, "you're screwed."