Scintilla

14. Catch Me if I Fall

Before

"I don't know how to be better," I whisper as heaving sobs rattle my chest. In my mind, all I can see are ghosts of the past, a future engulfed in flames, and all I can smell is the scent of death and decay. 

Stephanie is clutching my letter. Her sobs mingle with mine and soon enough all the sound in the room is full of despair and heartbreak. 

"Tell me. Please tell me how to help," Stephanie says as she walks towards me. She sits down next to me, I can feel her tremors. 

"I don't know," I sob. "You weren't supposed to find that. How did you find it?"

"It was on the ground next to your desk," She replies, her hand slowly inching towards mine. 

I could've sworn I set it aside in its hidden corner, but the days began to blur. I can't remember anything, everything feels like a haze. The only thing that moves from the prison that is my house is Snoopy, who needs to go out four times a day. Snoopy who's been knocking on doors that won't open, and sleeping with shirts with fading scents. 

"You can't do it. We are here for you. I am here for you. Please let me help," Stephanie pleads. 

"You can't help. There's nothing that can make this better," I say. Stephanie begins to shake her head. "Stephanie stop. Jimena died. I pulled the plug and now there's nothing left. Only this awful empty place full of clothes they will never use again. There's no words to describe how fucking miserable I feel right now."

Stephanie leans against me, her head drops gently onto my shoulder. "I'm scared. Luna, I'm scared that I'll wake up one day and you will be gone."  Her fingers clench my hand. "We don't want to lose you, but we know that what you're going through is a nightmare. Maybe we," She hesitates and licks her lips. "Maybe we should look into checking you into a clinic that can help you."

I yank my hand away from hers, "No." 

My head is moving from one side to the other in an almost violent manner. I won't accept it. I will not be sent to a place where even my privacy will be taken from me. I will not have it. 

"If any of you even think about it, I will never forgive you," I look into her eyes so she can see how serious I am. "One of the only things I have left are my privacy and bodily autonomy and I will not have those taken away from me!"

Stephanie's breaths are coming out in gasps as she nods in understanding. Right now we are both desperate individuals trying our best to overcome an impossible situation. It's hard for me but I know it's also difficult for her, but I still feel the tendril of resentment slowly creeping into my soul. 

"Okay. Okay then please come stay with me. You shouldn't be alone right now." 

I press my lips together. My mind raced to find an excuse to continue dwelling in this house. It's hell but it also has the imprints of the family that I lost. I don't feel like I have a right to leave, to free myself from the grasp of this misery. 

I shake my head, "I have nightmares. I'll wake you up."

Stephanie's smile is wobbly, "That's okay. You can wake me up whenever you need. Besides Snoopy could use the company."