"IS THE END REALLY THE END?"

venting...

  (i don't remember where i got the pic above i'm so sorry)

  (i published this to see what would happen... and to maybe talk more about it with others)

(hey yall, i used "LibreOffice Writer" and then copy and pasted it here to do the different kinds of texts and for spellcheck! if you wanted to try it i recommend)

! WARNING! MENTIONS: DEATH, BAD SPELLING, SOME DISTURBING IDEAS, ETC.

 (sorry for spacing issues all these buttons are confusing)

 everyone has some sort of fear, or even a full on phobia, some are logical and others not so much, there are many things someone could be afraid of, such as spiders? The dark? dolls? Usually a fear or phobia is caused by something, maybe you had something bad happen to you related to that fear? I also have fears, just like everyone else, and before you say something like,

" I'm not afraid of anything"

I call bull

there is one fear I'm gonna write about today.

(I feel regret for choosing this for some reason)

the fear of death, well not the dying part-but after that.

I recall getting this horrid image in my head that after death I would just stop existing entirely, unable to see or even think about anything- I'm just...gone.

I'm not sure when I got this idea in my head but I know I have thought so for years, having thoughts such as

"all of this is limited"

while looking around my room, my breathing and heart rate getting faster,

"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die"

I would keep repeating that out loud in a shaky voice over and over again

but really I'm thinking is,

"one day I will cease to exist".

Recently it got worse and more frequent, more thoughts came up, such as

"is this the curse of being self aware?"

"am I really just ticking down to when I cease to exist?"

"am I just a bunch of nerves and electrical pulses put together to create what people call a personality?"

"if I do cease to exist, would it be for all of eternity Would I one day just die and be doomed to be nothing at all forever? Unable to see breathe move or even think at all for the rest of time, or would something happen eventually to grab me out of this awful nonexistent NIGHTMARE?"

"would ceasing to exist be more peaceful then I make it out to be? I have none of the good in that situation, but also none of the bad"

"what would the world be like without me? Will I not only cease to exist, not just in a psychical way but also in memory? It would probably go on as normal without much change, isn't that a good thing? I mean sure, I wanna help people but I don't want them falling apart without me, so even if that's a good thing why does that sound kinda scary?"