You're The Straw To My Berry (Phan)

Part twenty

Phil P.O.V. 

I opened my eyes and adjusted to the light, my brown eyed boyfriend still pressed against me, my arms around his waist. He was still dead to the world, his deep breaths being the only thing I could hear. 

I gently ran my hand up his arm, his smooth skin beneath my fingertips. I traced his collarbone then up his neck and cheek until I reached his fringe. I brushed it out of his closed eyes, his hair sitting in a messy style that I always loved. 

He was perfect. 

Too perfect. 

It felt too good to be true, there had to be a fault in him somewhere. 

The conversation I had overheard between Dan and PJ still burned in the back of my mind and I still found myself analysing every word they said at any chance I had. 

What was PJ doing? 

If Dan said he couldn't do it, does that mean he still loved me? 

"Shh, it's okay, I know you love me." 

Did Dan love PJ?

Did Dan ever love me at all? 

I felt sick. Had he been lying to me the whole time and used me as a joke? 

For the past two weeks the conversation consumed every thought and made me feel insecure. Wasn't I good enough for him? Or did he just love both of us? Was that even possible? I didn't know, but I knew I would have to ask him straight out to solve the doubt in the back of my mind. But what if I lost Dan? I wasn't sure if I would be able to cope with that.  

As if he could hear my thoughts he started mumbling in his sleep and snuggled in closer to me. It was morning so I knew he wouldn't be awake, the earliest he got up was around midday, and it wouldn't be any different this time. 

I tried to go back to sleep but after an unsuccessful hour of attempting to, I gave up and broke away from Dan's grasp. I had a shower and got dressed and straightened my hair which made me feel better about myself. After a glance at the clock I turned on the Xbox so I could concentrate on something else for a few hours. They flew by with ease, the game taking my full attention, not letting me think about anything from the outside world. 

I felt a presence about three hours later and looked up to see Dan shuffling towards me and rubbing his eyes. He sat down next to me and watched me play, his head on my shoulder. 

"How long have you been up?" He asked me suddenly. 

"Ages," I replied bluntly. I felt nerves starting to build and palms started to sweat.

"Are you okay? You're shaking," he put one of hands on top mine, making me flinch. 

"I'm fine," I paused the game and tried to compose myself, but then I noticed it was far too obvious that was hiding something. I had to ask him, the doubts and insecurities in my head were turning me into a wreck. 

"What is it Phil? And don't say there's anything wrong, I know you well enough," I didn't respond but my gaze jumped around his face. "Phil, you're scaring me," I wonder why. "What are you hiding from me?" 

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" 

"What? What do you mean?" 

"You know exactly what I mean," I don't know where this attitude came from, but I assumed it was from everything that had built up inside me. 

"No... No I don't..." 

"So there's nothing going on between you and PJ?" He paled immediately. There definitely was something.

"No! Of course there isn't!" I couldn't read his expression. Guilt? Worry? Upset? 

"Please don't lie to me Dan," it was a mere whisper but he heard it and tears started falling freely down my face.

"I'm not! I swear! I promise! I would never do that to you!" 

 "But I heard you."

"Heard what?" He looked confused now. 

"When you were in here, with PJ and I was out, I opened the door and I heard you talking. PJ said you both knew what happened at the party... And you told him you couldn't do it... And then he said you loved him..." 

"I have no idea what you're on about!" He was lying to me. I knew he was. I wasn't going mad. 

"Stop lying to me Dan! I know what I heard!" 

"Phil... calm down..." He put his hands on top of mine but I jumped up. 

"Don't touch me!" I snapped. I looked down on him, his eyes were wide and he was crying now which hurt me, but his lies hurt me more. 

"Phil..." 

"No!" Running a hand through my hair, I stormed into my room and breathed out, frustrated. I grabbed a jacket and my phone and pushed passed Dan who was trying to block my path as I walked back out. 

"Can we talk about this? Please?"

"I don't want to hear any more of your lies. I'm going out," and without a second glance I hastily unlocked the door and slammed it behind me. 

I walked as fast as I could out the building, adrenaline pulsing through me. I found myself at the park and sat down, bringing my knees to my chest. I realised I had sat on the bench where Dan and I went out to the shops then ShakeAway, and sat down here, our arms close together.

That was the day where we held hands for the first time.

The day everything between us changed.

I used to love remembering, but now the memory just hurt. I started letting all my emotions pour out. What started off as a few tears turned into sob, and soon I was crying so hard I could barely breathe.