BETWEEN REVENGE AND LOVE

55

Monday, 27/11/1995

Pain pierces my flesh.

Your eyes do as well.

But they don't hurt. Well, they do. But not as much.

I miss you. But not as much. Not as much as I miss her.

It's the truth.

I love her more, I always did.

And now you know, now you see me for what I am, finally.

Maybe that's the only right I ever did you. That I let this happen, that I let us break apart for you to be able to heal.

To be truthful, it wasn't like that.

I wasn't the one who left. I never was that selfless and I'll never be. You did.

Draco, you and Theo did the right thing leaving me.

But please, don't look at me like that. Please, don't glimpse me your hurt soul. I know that that's too much to ask from you.

I deserve it. I must take the consequences of my own action. Everyone must. Everyone can.

Except me.

So show me your anger and show me your pain until I learn how to.

Don't spare me, I know you won't. I don't have to ask you for that.

How you're sitting there, acting like you wouldn't care. How you look at me, proving you do.

You do care. No matter how much you wish you wouldn't. No matter how many venomous glares you throw at the world. You do care.

With Theo it's different. I don't know if he cares. Not anymore. He's quiet, inconspicuous, perched on his chair in the corner of the classroom, following McGonagall attentively, as she talks about Lovebirds and Testhrals.

Where he never looks is at me. Never. Not ever since that haunting evening, when we last said goodbye. Never.

And that may even hurt more than you're deathly glares, Draco.

You are closer than he is.

He is gone and all moved on.

You are almost at my fingertips.

Should I reach for you? Should drag you back into my life? No, I shouldn't. Of course not.

Though, admittedly, I yearn for it, for you, for love.

Would you be the one to open my chest and fix my broken heart for me, if I'd ask you to?

If I'd want you to?

If I'd need you too?

Because you're all I have left even if I don't have you.

You hate me and that is our connection. Unharmed, unchanged.

Our connection will persist.