lover boy & dollar store girl ♬ matt sturniolo

IX

CHAPTER IX
[ i wonder... ]
♬

     when minnie was fourteen, she walked through the daunting front doors of high school with a square head on her shoulders. her notebooks were organized and color-coded; her backpack had all of her favorite pins on it; she even tied her hair up in two little space buns, her tight bangs curled on her forehead. she wore a black dress and her favorite blue sneakers, and her braces were red and yellow. she was ready to start her new life as a teenager.
      she was so ready, in fact, that when the girls in the locker room whispered about the girl with the braces in the corner, minnie chose to ignore them. she just put on her gym clothes and left.

     minnie was ready to hear the whispers because she'd heard them before. middle school was two years of torture on her growing body, and every pimple and frizzy hair was scrutinized by some girl who was blonder and skinnier than her. but she held her own and survived just fine, passing between friends and finding her own interests. minnie was never going to be the one to count on anyone else to be kind. she was always good, even when people didn't deserve it. she tried her best to be good.
     but a month into freshman year, it was starting to get tiring- all the active ignoring, blocked-out side glances, the rumors kids in class would spread around- she was just sick of having to sit there while no one stood up for her, and acting indifferent wasn't working. it didn't feel like taking the high road anymore; it just felt like rolling over.

      the girl had nearly had enough by the time she met the new transfer student. hayley was just as weird, if not worse, than minnie. with a head of fiery hair and striking blue eyes, her style was sharp and colorful, and you could always see her coming. minnie thought she was beautiful. when they first met, hayley had asked for someone to sit with at lunch, because minnie had been sitting alone with the book sam had just leant her- at the time it was paper towns. hayley sat with her every day afterwards, all the way through to junior year.
     minnie and hayley were inseparable for three years. every weekend, every holiday, every summer night, they spent them all together. they had enough inside jokes to write a novel, and they'd seen the twilight movies at least twenty times over. the whispers stopped shortly after they befriended one another, because hayley was around to shut people up. just a look from her was intimidating enough.
     after growing up weird and staying weird, the girl had finally found someone to like her the way she was. hayley meant more than the world to her.

      things fell apart when christmas break of junior year rolled around. hayley had come over to watch it's a wonderful life when she told minnie she was moving away. the girl would remember that night forever: december 23rd.

     "my dad got a new job, and he's taking us to seattle." hayley mumbled.

     "but what about senior year?" minnie asked, "prom? our road trip to new york after we graduate?"

     "i don't have a choice, minnie!"

     "i know you don't! i just wish you did."

     "that's your problem. you always expect things from me that i can't promise. it's like i'm not good enough for you or something."

     minnie remembered those words exactly as she said them. with disdain and with nasty weight that she had never heard the same since. it felt like being stabbed straight through her heart.

     "why would you say that? i'd never do that to you!"

     "all you do is care about yourself! you're only friends with me because no one else would hang out with you until i came along!" hayley spat.

     minnie didn't even get to say goodbye before hayley stormed out and walked herself home that night. she moved away right before school started up again, and there were no texts, no calls, and no apologies.

     minnie battled with herself for months over why hayley hated her. eventually, she began to think maybe it was all true. she didn't have any other friends, and she relied on hayley for everything. the girl felt so empty without her around, knowing hayley hated her from 3,000 miles away.
     after a while, minnie realized it was wrong what hayley had said. hayley relied on her, too; hayley cared about her the same, minnie knew that she did. it took a lot of processing to figure out that hayley was struggling; she was leaving her best friend, everything she knew, everything she was looking forward to, all because her parents said so. she must've been so scared- minnie knew that deep down. and the girl couldn't blame her. it's easier to end things for good instead of saying goodbye and never knowing if there will be another hello.
     even after trying so hard to forgive her best friend, because she understood where the anger came from, minnie couldn't bring herself to do it. those things hayley said, they stuck with her ever since. every friend she makes, the teen worries she'll eventually let them down or ask too much of them, and she cuts them off early. she hasn't had a real friendship since christmas of junior year. hayley fucked her up for good.

     minnie felt like a fraud. she pretended to be so tough, like nothing could break her. but she's been broken for a year now, and the girl knows nothing has changed. she knows because when she looks at matt, she just sees him leaving. she sees him walking out of the store doors, and knows it's because she pushed him away. she was too much for him. even if what hayley said was because the girl was lashing out, that doesn't make the fear any less painful and the consequences of it any less real.

     minnie closed up the shop early, not caring if her boss would ream her out or dock her pay. she needed to get home and take off her clothes and scrub the day off her skin, and try to forget what she'd said to matt long enough to let herself fall asleep.

     when she walked out into the parking lot, she made it halfway to her car when she heard giggling.

     "oh my god! you're so embarrassing!"

     "you're just jealous you don't have these moves!"

     minnie saw nick and chris running around on the asphalt, all the way down by mcdonald's. the van was parked in an open patch of spots, real crooked. matt was nowhere to be seen.
     did they drive here themselves? she questioned, no, they couldn't have. matt said they can't drive.
     the girl watched for a moment and wished she could smile. nick was filming chris as he danced around like a little kid, singing some made up song and dragging his brother around joyfully. she wished she was with them, having fun. not hating herself.

     minnie crawled into her car and wondered if matt was in the car by himself while nick and chris were having fun. the shame cycle came full circle as she sobbed at the wheel. she went from feeling sorry for herself to feeling enraged about crying, about being so weak when she should just suck it up, then back to feeling exhausted. it never ended, the feeling that she shouldn't be crying, but she was too tired to stop herself. the girl just let herself cry until she ran out of tears, and then she started the car up and began the drive home.

     minnie knew that even if she walked over and checked the car to see if matt was there or not, she wouldn't know how to apologize, or how to explain why she's such a fucked up person. she would only be able to stare and wonder if he could forgive her for snapping.

     i think you'd like matt, minnie told hayley in her head, wondering if she could hear it. she stared at the white lines on the road as she drove, remembering how hayley loved to watch them pass beneath the wheels. he's everything you always judged boys at school for, except he's nothing like them. he's kind, and he's smarter than he lets on. he would make you laugh.
     minnie saw hayley's screaming red hair is it stomped out the front door on christmas eve eve. i wonder if he'll be able to forgive me. i wonder if you would, too.