Chained To My Shadow || Loki Angst

<Chapter Two> Guilt

   There's a reason the void and all the time I've spent in the cells on Asgard were undoubtably the worst times of my life. 

   It was never the boredom that drove me mad. The silence, the loneliness, there's nothing quite so bad as being left hopelessly alone with just your thoughts to keep you entertained, especially when your thoughts are constantly plagued with your own bitter self-loathing and guilt. 

   I would graciously accept endless centuries of physical pain if it would mean not re-living the void ever again. It's half the reason I kept dealing with Odin's hurtful words for so long. But they are only words, I keep having to remind myself of that. 

   The conformations hurt, but it told me that I was not yet pitiful enough to think up untrue comparisons between my brother and myself. 

   Odin was always ready to confirm my fears that I'll never be good enough. That Thor, as the golden child, heir to the throne, will always be loved so much more than me. 

   It hurts when I realise that I'll never mean that much to someone. 

   Some days, when the thoughts get a bit too unbearable, I find myself wishing I just didn't feel at all. I always chase the thought away as quickly as it comes. 

   The prince of Asgard can't be so weak as to be unable to handle a bit of pain. Especially when he's the one who brought it upon himself. 

   "Mr Laufeyson," I jumped again at the slightly British accented voice of JARVIS. I'm definitely going to have to get used to that at some point. "Boss requested me to tell you that dinner is ready, if you were to go downstairs." 

   "Oh. Er- I prefer not being called Laufeyson." 

   "Very well, Mr Odinson." 

   "Just- call me Loki. Just Loki." 

   "As you wish, Just Loki." I felt a small smile tug at my lips before I could stop myself. 

   "Tell them I'm coming." 

... 

   Much to my dismay, dinner with the Avengers was almost unbearably awkward. Obviously it was my unannounced presence that caused such thick tension, but I wanted nothing more than to scream at them to just say something, goddamn it. Silence is my second worst enemy. 

   Thor was noticeably much quieter than he usually was. 

   I purposely didn't put much food on my plate. I'd always had strange eating habits, but right now I thought they were already doing too much for me, so it would be rude to eat more than my fair share. 

   I think Barton noticed it at first, but he didn't comment on it. 

   He agrees with you. You're eating too much. 

   I decided it was best if I left as soon as possible. Then at least maybe they can have some actual quality time without a monster such as myself sitting at the table with them through it all. 

   I'm pretty sure it's what I overheard when I stepped out into the hallway that kind of set it off again. 

   "I'm telling you, Bruce. I didn't ask for him to come here. How can he just waltz on in and expect us to provide everything for his sorry ass?" Stark was saying. 

   "C'mon, Tony. You're a billionaire. It's not like it even makes any difference to you." 

   "That's what he thinks as well. He was probably not given as much as he liked on Asgard so he came to take our stuff instead just 'cause he thinks he can. I've told you, I'm not falling for his mind games again."