Two of a Kind

Chapter 42- Tell me it's not true

"What? What the hell Bucky?!?" You yell

"Look I'm sorry! I was the Winter Soldier back then, you know that I was under the control of Hydra, so it wasn't me, it was technically Hydra!" Bucky pleads with you

"Buck! I know! But they were my parents! I know what they did was against Hydra but they were my parents!" You say as you start getting choked up.

"I know! But how was I supposed to know that they were your parents?"

"I don't know Buck!! But it hurts to know that my boyfriend killed my parents!"

"I understand but you have to realize that that wasn't me!"

"Maybe there is a reason that my parents wrote that part about you!"

"They knew about me then but they don't know about me now!"

You roll your eyes and scoff and ask him, "How did my parents die?"

He sighs before responding, "Doll, our emotions are high right now, I don't think we should get into this?"

You snapped as you are wiping the tears that are streaming down your face, "Buck, I'm not asking this again, how did my parents die?"

Bucky looks down at his feet out of guilt and back at you with tears also forming in his eyes, "It was a forced car accident, and I had to make sure that they were dead so I shot them."

You think about the fact that your boyfriend's past was the reason that your parents were dead but it just made you angry and you needed some time alone, so you tell him, "I think I need to be alone."

"Okay." Bucky mutters under his breath. He gets up off the bed and grabs a change of clothes and leaves your room, gently closing the door. You start sobbing into your pillow and seem to cry for hours or at least until the tears stop.

You and Bucky spend the next few days separated, you figured he was in that other room that your aunt and uncle had for him but you didn't want to come out of your room because you didn't want to see Bucky because you were still upset with him. But you were also worried about Bucky, since the both of you can sleep just fine with each other, especially considering your nightmares that the both of you have. Not only that but the both of you love each other and you would never wish any harm to him but you just needed time and space. So you don't end up sleeping for the next couple days due to the nightmares as well and you missed the fact that he would hold you each night as you fell asleep together.

Laura and Clint come in periodically to check on you. They bring in your meals but you don't necessarily have an appetite due to your grief. You also felt like you were drowning and there was always this unexplained sadness behind the grief. You felt like you were only surviving but maybe it was the guilt talking but you felt like you weren't enough as a person, you weren't enough as a girlfriend and maybe it's the fact that you've pushed Bucky away for the time being made you feel this way. You couldn't explain it but you have also realized that you have been feeling like this for a long time and you would have days to weeks of this unexplained sadness, course you also didn't know if it came from the traumatic experience you've had several months before or your time with HYDRA or what but you thought that you would bring it up with Dr. Reid in your next appointment.

It was after a couple of days that Clint and Laura were concerned that you and Bucky haven't come out of your rooms, slept, ate or even talked to each other.
"I'm worried about Y/N and Bucky, they haven't talked to each other or eaten or slept." Laura says
"Me too, I'll go talk with Y/N." Clint adds as he gets up and places a kiss on Laura's forehead. He also gives a reassuring squeeze to her shoulder.

Clint grabs a plate of freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies before he walks into your room.

Clint softly knocks on your door and waits for an answer from you, "Come in." You spoke quietly.

He turns the door knob and finds you still lying in bed but with your music playing, in which you turn it off when you see that it's Clint.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Clint asks as he sits on the edge of your bed and offers a cookie to you in which you gladly accept as you sit up in bed.

You shrug as you try to acknowledge your feelings in the moment, "I'm okay, I just needed time to think about everything."

He nods and asks, "are you really okay?"

You shake your head and say, "No, and I understand that Bucky was under the control of Hydra, I just needed time to process the fact that my parents are gone because of the Winter Soldier, not because of Bucky."

Clint nods and adds, "That makes sense but you've got to check on Bucky, the both of you haven't eaten for days or slept, will you please check on him?"

"Yeah I will. Clint, can I ask you something?" You ask once you take the last bite of your chocolate chip cookie.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Are you upset with Bucky?" You wonder

"I mean I was for the first couple days but I had the same realization as you. That it was never Bucky. It was Hydra."

You nod as you sit on the edge of the bed and take a deep shaky breath. Clint kisses you on the top of your head before he walks out of your room.

You go to the bathroom to clean yourself up. You notice the dark circles under your eyes at the same time your eyes were red from all of the crying from the past few days. You splash water on your face to hopefully wake yourself up and  get rid of some of the redness in your eyes. Once you are done, you pat your face dry with one of the towels hanging up next to your sink.

You look at yourself in the mirror and still notice that there were was still some puffiness but you decide to let it go and go see Bucky. You walk out of your room and close your door behind you. You walk down the hall and approach Bucky's door. Your heart is racing but there was nothing that was going to stop you from apologizing to Bucky. You take a deep breath as you raise your fist to knock on his door. You knock three times and wait for an answer.