unknown dream that ended all too well..

chapter 5 : Season Changes ❉

I'm in a car listening to music on the way home, thinking about 100,000 billion thoughts that come and go, but to be honest they always seemed to not leave my brain. You know is been a long road, i just need a break i think, although I'm never having breaks I'm always getting up and going. Sometimes I feel like life is going to waist? I don't know if it's the right way to rephrase that way. it's like sometimes I feel like going hundred miles per hour, these days doesn't make any sense at all. But all i know is that Nicolas will gladly be going for a rescue even though all he does is say "everything will be ok" I don't know maybe I don't trust him enough with everything that he says, I'm guessing it's all me now, dealing with my own.Man at times I feel like my boyfriend don't even notice my pains, my thoughts and my feelings. I guess I'm just too dumb to know him, them last days he wouldn't even pick the phone to talk to me you know it's getting old out here. See that's the all the overwhelming in the mind right there, so sit tight and enjoy the show that's what they say.
I'm never enjoying my own show, I'm too busy "craving for attention" I don't know, if there was a sign that one good sign maybe it would've changed something. I'm chained up. School days feeling like frozen times. I have nothing to say. Still am enjoying my time with Nico sometimes I don't even know the right words for talking with him, I just sit back and observe. I'm that kind of person I guess sits back and watches. I'm always watching him, always following him no matter what it's like I'm trapped. I guess we'll never know.It's funny to think but have you ever seen your boyfriend act a certain type of way when he's around you? it's questionable to me how every time when we would sit in the room he would always take my pen or even my pencil or other stuff of mine and think that he owns it, yeah you heard it OWNS it basically whatever is mine it's yours also. Which is a bit strange but also kind of fascinating seeing a human being act this way it's very giving on the verge of investigation. This whole relationship seems kinda odd, but I don't know what is that supposed to be happening here I don't see how a relationship can be odd? I guess I'm overthinking again. Ugh the overthinking besides that not only am I overthinking but also just pressing my own buttons. Am I tho?
Anyways speaking of which... my classmates birthday is coming soon he gave me an invitation card, it look pretty cool by the way the design with them anime characters gave the vibes it gave it off. I was invited to Dave and Busters arcade as I opened the envelope. Came there an hour late... it was a bit too late to come but we came anyways because it was just real important i guess?? I ain't never been at a birthday this big before suddenly I became nervous I don't know I guess I wasn't ready for a birthday like this to come. But some things took off last night me and my best friend Violet got into an argument but we not gonna speak about it even though she was supposed to come but didn't so whatever was the woman's problem i didn't care because we stopped being friends. So y'all know when two people stop being friends and stop talking that means "blacklisted" that's all or should I say "outnumbered" I didn't care because I've been outnumbered so many times in my life and still haven't gotten a change from any of the people that tried to make me feel some type of way. But I never let that get close to me. I'm the type of person that is IDGAF does that make any sense?? Therefore moving on, walking through the doors the table is looking birthday themed colors and everything. Yeah pleasant party I thought so as I walked through the room I felt not welcomed or anything, felt like a piece of plastic bag just laying there waiting honestly the whole party time went on so boring and just blown.The whole party time all I did was stand in the middle of it all, and watch it go quickly. I'm guessing I was tired that time and didn't know which way to turn. But all I know is that no one ever gave any thought or attention of asking if I was ok or if I needed water, there's one thing I learned in this world is only you no one else and sometimes you gotta survive on your own. If you ever needed help you would've not bothered to ask anything from those people.  I wish I had an answer but it was not in moment.I left party right after it ended, it was like walking out of the horror and walking into heaven instead. I don't know if that makes sense, it's complete nonsense I know I should've had fun but it wasn't that much of a fun. Personally i would rather not go if i did have an option but the choice was to go and make my classmate happy... that's literally all that mattered. After the party i and my family went to a restaurant like decent human beings it was a nice dinner but the prices were not so much as excepted to be but it didn't matter much cuz it all just made out on its way. Life fainted me out i just realized something while i was in car it felt like nothing but deep sharp pain in my heart i guess it was the overexcitement that caused this, I have no clue except just guess. My head thinks too much...