Clash of Captains

Chapter 23

Aneira watched in horror as the young woman, usually so cold and defensive, broke down in front of her. She reached out a hand, hesitating for a moment as she wondered whether it would be alright, and set it gently on Devyn's shoulder. She remained quiet as the girl cried, letting the tears flow out and murmuring calming words in the breaks between sobs. When Devyn finally settled into a bout of hiccups and gasps, Aneira scooted closer and gave her shoulder a squeeze.

"Hey, shh, it's okay," she whispered, trying to meet Devyn's dark eyes. But the young woman wouldn't move her gaze from the ground.

Devyn wrapped her arms around herself and tucked her knees up to her chest. She rocked a little, back and forth, in a rhythm that Aneira assumed she found comforting. "I'm not good enough," Aneira thought she heard the young woman mumble to herself. "I can't even... I didn't..."

"Shh," Aneira repeated. She waited until Devyn fell silent, the dark-haired girl's eyes widening in a sort of numb shock, before gently taking both of Devyn's shoulders in her hands and turning her slightly to face her. "Hey. You're not acting like yourself. Are you alright?"

She expected Devyn to shrug, or say a lie about being fine, or even to start crying again. But the young woman's hard mask returned to her face, and she spat out a halfhearted laugh. "How do you know anything about me?"

Aneira paused, her hands falling from the young woman's shoulders. Devyn was right; what did she actually know about her? They had only met a few months back, catching flashes of each other on the battlefield, and they certainly hadn't talked much about each other. She chewed thoughtfully on the inside of her cheek. "Well, maybe you're right. But I think that you show most of yourself when you're on the battlefield. I saw you, when we were fighting just outside your campsite, and you looked... determined and brave and, honestly? Kind of cocky. Which is absolutely nothing like you right now."

Devyn bit out another dark laugh. "You really do know nothing about me, then. I'm not the stupid person I am when I'm fighting. That's just some... some dumb mask I put on. A role I have to play." Her eyes raised to finally meet Aneira's and she trailed off, as if suddenly realizing what she was admitting to, and fell silent.

"Okay, then..." Aneira shrugged and managed a small smile. She hesitantly continued, "Who are you really?"

She watched as Devyn considered an answer, her eyebrows furrowing. She clenched her hands into fists before flinching, as if she had done it too hard, and opened her hands to stare blankly at the half moon marks she had pressed into her skin. Aneira thought she saw a tear suddenly drip down the young woman's cheek.

"You want to know what I am, blondie?" Devyn asked at last, her voice high with hysteria and the broken attempts to remain emotionless. "A mess. A problem. A failure. A broken doll."

"Oh, Devyn," Aneira whispered. She stared at the young woman, watching as she quivered and stared off at something that only she could see. "You're so much more than any of that."

The dark-haired young woman let out a low, derisive snort. Her gaze had gone hard again, though Aneira could see that she was struggling to keep her expression emotionless. Her eyebrows furrowed, glancing up at Aneira with a look of pure disbelief written in her features. "Are you kidding? How many battles have I led against Ledah? Even before the two of us actually saw each other on the battleground, it was... it had to be dozens. And... And I've yet to lead a successful attack. Only draws or total defeats." She shut her eyes for a moment, gulped in a breath, opened her eyes, and continued. "I've failed so many times, blondie. Chancellor Kemble is clearly so disappointed in me. I'm not... I told you; I'm nothing but a problem. All I've managed to do is lead Dreg to failures and causalities, and I push away the people I care about." The young woman paused, her face morphing into a grimace, and added in a low voice, "I don't even know why I'm here anymore."

Aneira studied the young woman's expression for a moment, hesitantly reaching out a hand again to comfort her. When Devyn didn't move away, she placed her hand lightly on the captain's knee. "Look, I know I probably don't know much of anything about you. And I probably don't have any reason for you to listen to me and take my advice." She shrugged apologetically. "But, there's a few things I've learned about success and failure over the course of my life. Would you like to hear them?" Aneira glanced at Devyn, and the dark-haired young woman reluctantly gave a small nod.

"Well, first off: only you can decide your worth. You can't let anyone else determine how good you are; they only see what you do on the outside, and they can't figure out what goes through your head. Sometimes things go wrong, and sometimes... sometimes luck isn't on your side. But that doesn't mean you're inherently a failure." She paused to study Devyn's expression. The young woman's gaze was still fixed stubbornly on the ground, but her eyebrows were creased in thought. "Devyn... The fact that you've failed so many times and still go back out there with renewed hope and vigor every single time... That's so damn brave of you. That doesn't sound like a failure to me at all."

Devyn's gaze flitted up to Aneira. There were tears swimming in her dark eyes. "But I'm not brave; I'm not brave at all." She let out a breathless bark of a laugh, sounding as if she was once more on the edge of tears. "I'm a total coward, blondie. I only act brave."

Aneira managed a hesitant smile. "Okay, and? Even if it doesn't seem like it, sometimes pretending you're not afraid is enough." She stood up, brushing some of the dry dirt from her trousers, and offered Devyn a hand. "C'mon. Let's go act brave together."

The dark-haired woman stared up at Aneira incredulously, eyeing first her hand and then her face. Then she sniffled, blinked away the last of her tears, and took the blonde's hand.