CLOSER || EDDIE MUNSON

Part 16

(A/N: Short part today, I've been busy :))

(Play The Night we Met by Lord Huron now)

Most days were the exact same. Wake up, go to school, cry, then sleep. On some of my worse ones, I saw Eddie.
It was a cycle I had grown accustomed to by this point. Though, everything still hit me just as hard.
It was extremely draining, to the point where I stopped enjoying most things. I even stopped doing cheer as much. I would skip practice most days because I was so low on energy. Day to day life had become a sort of purgatory for me. It wasn't amazing obviously, but it wasn't a form of pure hell either. It was my own personal limbo, every day being a part of the same repetitive cycle.
A lot of that cycle consisted of me wondering, wondering about myself but also about Eddie.
I found myself wanting to know how he was handling it, to know if it was just as bad for him. Part of it was me wanting him to be ok though. I needed to know how badly I had hurt him.
I knew he wasn't great, due to the fact I could hear his friends talk about how he seemed off. According to them he had been doing a lot more drugs lately. Specifically this stuff called 'Special K'. It worried me, but in a way I understood. If I had access to them, I'd probably being doing a lot of drugs too.
I still would want to know how he was though, but from him directly, not his friends.
It felt selfish, wanting to check on him after what I had said. I had been in the wrong and had hurt him a least a bit, but I would be lying if I said I didn't care anymore. It was a strange feeling to say the least.
I didn't know what to make of it most days, I would just cry over the confusion and tension and be done with it. Of course I still questioned myself but I would just cry again and it'd be over.
It made me lose my sense of self even more.
With everything happening, I was a complete wreck. I knew it was my fault and that I had done this. It made it hurt even more. Everything Eddie had said was right.

'You've always been the one taking advantage of me. Every single time you've seen me you've always had some shit to say like this.'

That phrase played in my mind over and over again, making me cry every single time. He had a point, I was absolutely horrible to him. It took me a while to realize it though. When I did it hit me hard, I spent that entire day thinking about only that. It wrecked me.
This was my fault in every way, and I was the one who hurt him. Based on what his friends said he was probably worse than I was. I couldn't blame him honestly.

I would hate me too.

I was in my room, face buried into my blankets while I thought about it all. I had been doing a lot of thinking recently. I couldn't tell if it was for worse or for better though. All I knew is that all I could think about was him and I, how I had turned on him and hurt him. And how much regret I had, but I couldn't take back what I said. Any of it, I thought it and said it even if it were irrational, and I couldn't make up for that.
It killed me inside honestly but I deserved every piece of it.
Every bad feeling I had was a direct result of my own actions. I didn't want to have so much self pity but I couldn't help it. I fucked it and I knew it. I cried into my pillow more.

Now I was paying the price.