ELIZA

CHAPTER TWO: COSMO

The next morning I felt guilty. Overall, I didn't do anything wrong, and yet I felt like betraying my friend - as if I revealed my feelings, regardless of whether they were reciprocated or not.

Finally I was able to admit to myself that I liked my best friend's boyfriend. Not only his personality, but also his appearance. I shyly stated that he was my ideal guy in every way. I wanted to touch him the way Barb did, I wanted to talk to him the way she did. I envied her even the slightest gesture she could make - just stupid brushing back a strand of hair... For me, Tom was untouchable, unattainable and not allowed. It had to stay that way, and that fact hurt the most.

The problem arose when I decided to confront Barb. I had to tell her that I fell for Tom, because deep down I just wanted her to yell at me that I was a terrible friend. I was counting on her anger to knock him out of my head, because I could no longer hide what was happening to my body and mind. I was sick of excitement whenever he appeared on the horizon.

I had everything ready. I carefully composed my statement as I was walking to Barb's apartment. I was going to say that somehow it happened that I didn't notice when I stopped just liking Tom and my feeling turned into something stronger. Was it love, I didn't know and I certainly didn't want to suggest that to Barb. I just wanted to make it clear that her boyfriend wasn't safe with me. I was a predator, because part of me wanted to get it - although I didn't want to be my friend's rival for anything in the world, that's how I behaved.

I didn't suspect Barb would anticipate me.

"How's your platonic love for Tom?" she asked, greeting me at the door.

I raised my eyebrows in surprise, giving myself time to think as she bluntly continued.

"You couldn't think I didn't know anything, could you? I am not an idiot. I can see your moony eyes whenever he appears."

I had no idea what to say to her. On the one hand, I felt relieved - Barb knew what I felt, but on the other hand - I felt fear. Were they talking about it? What if she and Tom were laughing at my feelings? Suddenly I became weak so I went to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of tap water. I was always comfortable in her place.

"You're not angry?" I asked, sipping some water.

"No, because fortunately he feels nothing for you," she replied with a shrug.

I saw spots in front of my eyes. Tom feels nothing for me, these words still sounded in my ears.

"Did you ask him about it?" I was surprised, but not enough to disbelieve it.

"Of course," she murmured as if that were more certain than the simplest math problem. "He was with me before you."

My heart ached. I always felt that way when I found out that I'd just passed Tom and I wouldn't see him today.

"That's great," I mumbled, confused. "I was really afraid that I would mess up things between you."

Barb crossed her arms. She wasn't satisfied. Her eyebrows and lips were tightly knotted.

"You can still do it," she snapped. "Just don't get involved and don't meet him behind my back."

I couldn't argue. It was through Barb's birthday party that I got closer to Tom, while she didn't know anything about our meetings.

"Okay, I understand," I agreed. "I'm glad you trust us."

"Him, I trust him," she corrected me. "I don't know what to expect from you."

She surprised me again. I swallowed loudly, praying I wouldn't start crying.

"I care about you the most," I said. "I won't see him, I promise. On Saturday, I even made an appointment with some guy not to think about...