As Long As She Lives (full published version!)

Chapter 7

Cait sat opposite Dr Gnudsen, the images he'd coaxed from her searing her mind. The scent of blood filled Cait's nose and she could feel it pulsing out of her wound.

"Stay with my voice Cait." Gnudsen's tone was firm but kind. "Open your eyes. See where you are."

Forcing her eyes open didn't stop the screams and the smells.

"Slow your breathing," he said. "You're hyperventilating."

She focused on holding each shuddering breath as long as she could before she exhaled, forcing her lungs to draw deeper each time.

"That's good. Look around you. See that you're safe. They're only memories, you're in no danger."

With its sparse furnishings and no windows, Gnudsen's office was hardly a comforting space, but that thought itself brought her back into the room. The screams quieted. The smell dissipated.

"Well done," Dr Gnudsen said. "That's time for today."

Cait stared at the tissue box he held in front her. It took her several moments to realise she was being dismissed. She plucked out a few tissues. As always, the session was over after it seemed only minutes had elapsed. She didn't feel finished, she felt wide open and raw.

"Take a couple of minutes. I'll be outside."

She watched him leave the room and felt a surge of anger. Was he going to do this every week? Pull everything out of her, make her relive it all and then call "time"? Anger straightened her spine. She wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing her upset as she left. She wiped at her eyes and went to the door.

As she stepped out, expecting to meet the eyes of Dr Gnudsen, she instead found herself looking at the navy suit-coated shoulder of a much taller man, his jacket scrunched back by his hands in his pockets.

"Hey, Kitty. You ready to go?" Riley's voice was as warm as Gnudsen's had been cold and her anger melted away, leaving her anxiety bare. Riley had picked her up after every session for the past month. She'd tried to tell him it wasn't necessary, especially when he had to take time off work, but he wouldn't listen.

"Nice to see you again Detective." Dr Gnudsen gave him a smile Cait wished she'd seen in the session. "Okay, Cait. See you next week. Keep clear of news and violent TV, especially the few hours before bed."

Cait wished he hadn't said that. She hadn't told Riley she'd been having trouble sleeping.

Riley said nothing as they made their way out, but Cait could feel the question building. He asked as they got into the car.

"Have you been having nightmares?"

"No."

"Then what was that about avoiding violent TV before bed?"

"Gnudsen's being paranoid. I'm not waking up well, that's all."

"Paranoid about what?"

Cait sighed; she'd just spent an hour being interrogated. "I had a bout of night terrors a while ago, it wasn't good for my injury."

"He's worried they're starting again and you're not remembering?"

"He's worried they might start again if I don't get a handle on my sleep but, like I said: it's nothing. I'm not waking up very well. That's all."

"What does 'not waking up well' mean?"

"Not rested. A little sore. I do my exercises and I feel better. Can we drop it? Please?"