Baby Dearest

He Has To Know

"You woke me up out of my sleep. You will say it." It was decided. "What could that help?"

I let out a breath and closed my eyes. "Because then there's you," I started.

"Nicole..."

༒ ༒ ༒

"No, you wanted me to say it. So I did."

"Nicole, look at me," Kane sighed. I kept my head straight as he moved and shifted to try and get in my field of view.

Kane's hand came up so slowly to the side of my face, his thumb lightly touching my chin before I swatted his hand away.

"I'm not going to look at you," I rolled my eyes.

"If I look at you, it makes it even harder for me to hate you." I was met with silence, I didn't even know how he was reacting right now. The silence went on for who knows how long. It let me know that he wouldn't speak more until I did. He wanted me to finish what I started to say. To fully open the can of worms I started to open.

"And I don't even hate you, Kane. I don't know why I act the way I do around you. It's just easier to think I hate you more than any other way I feel about you." With his persistent silence, I gave in and turned my head to look at him. Kane's eyes held an expression I couldn't even begin to read, his jaw clenching every now and then. Through it all, he kept his eyes on me.

"I know, Clover."

That's all he said. That was all he would say. What could he even say to that? But I let the words continue to fall out of my mouth without second thought.

"I do miss being close with you," I said quietly. "And feeling as if I can just talk to you like when I was younger. And now that I'm older, the conversations would be better, even more worthwhile."

Kane's eyes squinted at me. He understood what I was saying but maybe didn't understand why I was saying all of this or why I felt it. "They were always worthwhile, Nicole." He finally spoke. It almost seemed as if it was hard for him to get it out.

"Sure they were, but these days I fuck them up. I'm rude to you for no apparent reason. I will not let myself get close to you like that, no matter how badly I may want it. No matter how simple it seems. I don't know why."

"You have trust issues from your mother... and myself." I was getting tired of his one sentence answers.

"I know." I stated. He was my one friend. The one adult I knew I could depend on. The only trustworthy and responsible adult. Of course Maybelle came after him but Kane was... Kane. I didn't want Maybelle, I wanted Kane. I still want Kane. I grew to love and trust Maybelle but she was never Kane.

"And it's okay. I understand."

I sighed and let my shoulders slump down before closing my eyes again. "Kane, I hate it."

I was met with silence once more. For me, it was dark and silent, only our breaths were in the background. My stomach had knots in them. Even after airing out what stopped me from sleeping, I knew I still wouldn't sleep tonight.

I felt a tug on one of the curls in the puff on top of my head. Fuck... I forgot to put on a bonnet before bed...

His fingers kept twirling that one lock of hair around, making sure to be gentle and not tug too hard. That hand soon left my hair, my eyes still closed, and under my chin to the other side of my face. Kane gripped my lower jaw and turned my face towards him slowly.

I reluctantly opened my eyes, seeing his already trained on me. I let my eyes roam, looking at his face that I was so familiar with, trailing down his neck and to his collar bones. Kane has strong and wide shoulders that led to biceps I'd seen before. His forearms were just as big and muscular as I remembered with veins every now and then that popped up.

Yet, in between his arms was a torso that a part of me hoped to get familiar with too. Each ab was defined as his torso ended in a v that dipped below his waistband. Kane, under this moonlight, was exquisite. He was exquisite as the blue and white undertones from his curtains and the moon worked together over him. Time passed so slowly until I looked back up at his face.

"Clover, I know you hate it. I can sense your frustration from miles away." His hand still gripped my face but his thumb slowly ran across the bottom of my jaw in a back and forth motion. I couldn't help that I wanted more. Kane's gaze never left my face... probably because I didn't give him as much of a show as he did for me.

Genuine concern washed over his features that melted my heart in a way I never thought was possible with him. I thought growing closer with him was far from possible. It still was, just not as far, not as out of the ordinary. Not when he looked at me and spoke to me like this. I could stay right here for a long time.

"I don't want to admit it to myself," I began. "It's so much easier to feel disdain towards you, to hate you." Sadness mixed in with the concern on his face but his trained eyesight didn't falter. "I know," Kane nodded. "It's always easier to hate than to make the mature decision for yourself and your situation and just... understand." He was right. It benefited no one in the long run to keep interacting like this. But who would it benefit to get what I really wanted?

"I just want to talk to you, that's all I want." That was not all I wanted.

Kane smiled a real smile and nodded in agreement before speaking. "Then just speak. Talk to me like you did just now, every time. "

After I let my chin rest in the palm of his hand for a second, I scooted away from him, letting my left leg hang off of his bed. "I should let you rest, Kane. I'm sorry for waking you up this late." I lingered while I waited for an answer, not fully getting off of his bed. I didn't want this moment to end.

"I'm not," He smiled at me as I slowly slid myself off. I smiled back at him, looking into his sleepy eyes, enjoying the lines at the corners of his eyes, and taking in the messy curls of his bed hair.

"Sleep well, Kane." I made my way to the door and lingered there too. I leaned against the door frame, my hand on the outside door knob.

"This door is always open, Clover." I hummed in response and slowly, even achingly, closed his door. For a moment, I left my hand on the door knob to his bedroom and closed my eyes before letting out a breath and turning my back to it.

Walking back to my room, enjoying the quietness of the night, the warmth my brain believed was still there on my face and leg from his hand, I closed my own door.

I was right, I wouldn't sleep as there were too many new thoughts in my mind.

Sure, I could go from hateful to friendly, that was easy. But I didn't want friendly, that was the problem. That's why hate was so much easier than friendly because friendly was one step too close to something I wanted and couldn't have.

Kane knew that when we spoke right now on his bed I wasn't yearning to be friends. And maybe it was the child in me wanting the man who I depended on safely to come back. But it was something different, something more. He had to know that. He had to know that me being mean to him was not what kept me up, he knew that. He's a smart man. And maybe that was simply too much to talk about at 1 am. But until we addressed that too, the situation had been made a whole lot worse. Nothing was made better. It was simply discussed and we understood where both of our heads were at.

Things would change, our dynamic and how we interacted. Maybe I could be more comfortable with him, but until the rest was talked about, I'd still be confused. We laid the cards out on the table, but that fixes nothing. And I am still kept up at night.

there's another book i've been writing that i'd love to come out with. another forbidden romance (not as forbidden) that's bwwm. i think it's cute...