Beyond Redemption

Chapter Twenty-One

"I keep trying to forget you, but the harder I try, the more I think about you." —Unknown

Phoenix's POV

It takes dozens of milliseconds for information to reach the brain and another hundred milliseconds for it to be processed and the body to be able to take action. Therefore, it is safe to say then that the whole human processing-reaction procedure takes less than a second to be completed.

But as soon as the words left my mouth, everything happened in slow motion. Her body stumbled backward. A loud thump reverberated around the kitchen, indicating that her lower back made immediate contact with the stove not too far behind her. It was like I had shot her. Right in the gut.

The bullet pierced her but at the same time, it somehow ricocheted off her body and hit an area in the deepest part of my chest. Her entire body shook with fear and shock, not expecting the power of my words.

My brain registered what was going on and made me aware of everything that was unfolding before my eyes. But my arms and legs couldn't seem to get the message that I needed move, to comfort her, to fucking do something. I simply couldn't react.

I saw the fear in her eyes, the same look I had when my mom used to raise her voice at me. The sight of terror on her face sent an unusually sharp pain to my chest. I didn't know what that meant but all I knew is that this sudden need to comfort her washed over me.

I raked my hand through my hair. "Red, I-I am sorry," I stuttered, trying to figure out why I snapped like that. But most of all, my floundering words were as a result of me trying to formulate the right things to say. "I don...don't know what came over me."

By some miracle, I was finally able to move, quickly making my way to the other side of the counter. But with every step I made towards her, she in turn took a step backward, extending the distance between us.

Fuck.

This wasn't like the cat and mouse game we played in her bedroom on Saturday. That night she wanted me, I could tell by the way she squeezed her thighs together anytime my knuckles brushed against her sensitive skin or the way her beautiful brown orbs gradually dilated throughout the night when I looked at her a certain way.

And most importantly she welcomed my touch, she trusted me with her body, even if it was just for a couple of minutes.

But now, it was nothing like the other night. Her shaking hands gripped the counter so tight that I could see her knuckles becoming unusually pale. The beating pulse in her neck was evident as her chest expanded and deflated. I could see the slight quiver of her lips, but she bit down on it quickly in an attempt to conceal her fear.

However, what had my heart in pieces was when I looked into her eyes. Gone was the want or desire or even the playful annoyance that usually danced in the pools of her irises but in its place stood the fear and hurt I clumsily caused. There was nothing but fear. To make matters worse, the sea of salty tears stood waiting and restless surrounding her pupils, readying itself to burst at any second.

"I'm so- sorry if I hurt you in an- any way but that was...not my intention," her voice cracked at her soft confession before she continued. "We are finished for the day, so you can go."

"Red, let me expla-" I pleaded.

"No it's okay, I get that it was my fault. I just need you to leave," as soon as she said those words a stray tear escaped onto her cheek. Never in my life has a droplet of water pulled the strings of my heart so tightly.

She turned immediately, not wanting me to see her in such a vulnerable state. But the deed was already done and I couldn't leave her like this, knowing that this was all my fault. With her back towards me and her gaze focused on the countertop, I took the opportunity to place a soft touch on her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her.