Between Love and Admiration

Chapter 12

I talked to Dani for the remainder of class, as promised and when she hung up the facts started to become more clear. Nick was going to go to college and I wouldn't see him. The idea of long distance didn't seem realistic, I was a virgin and he wasn't, did that matter? We both talked about leaving and never looking back so would I be enough to change that? Did I want to be? College girls were grown, they had cars and jobs so it would make sense he would date someone like that. Remembering all the times he reassured me that this was what he wanted and that nothing would change that. Was he talking about college too? It didn't help that I was still dealing with emotions for his ex, if there was a chance then it probably was fading fast. I was going to wait until after school to call him and talk but I needed him to know that I was all in with him and US. So I sent him a text, giving the best and most honest answer I could, I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to get involved, I wanted to figure out a way to help her and I didn't think you'd be anything but a set-back for her. But I don't want her or have anything to do with her. I just felt bad. I'm sorry. I threw my phone down and went to get me something to drink out the fridge, if there's a response before I get back then everything will be ok. I told myself but just to be sure I grabbed some pizza rolls. Waiting for them to finish. When I got back to the living room, I carefully grabbed my phone... he had responded! Glad you owning it smidget. I was smiling from ear-to-ear, I've never been so happy to be called that I sent in response with a smile and heart emoji. I waited and before long, I'd finished a movie and there were no new messages from Nick. School was about to let out for the day so I decided to wait until later to reach out again.

Another movie down and still no word from Nick, I went outside to sit on the porch. My sister would be home soon so I'd just wait for her out here, never did I want human contact more than now. "I thought suspension was supposed to be fun." *ding* grabbing my phone Nick had texted me, are you busy? I'm coming over. I texted back in the same minute, telling him that I was sitting on the porch. When he got there, he looked so handsome. Had he always been this fine? He had taken off the school shirt and was standing in a simple tank and basketball shorts with one earring in and his hazel eyes were at their best in this sun setting light. He walked to the porch but stopped in the doorway leaning against the door entry. "We need to talk." he said, looking at me with an almost too serious expression. "I was just thinking that." I thought, trying to find the words to tell him that I loved only him and that I wanted us to try and make the long distance work because we could make it work but only IF he still loved me too. His low eyes didn't raise at all but his eyebrows did, it was the cutest thing. "Nick, I'm sure that I love you and only you. I just needed to figure out a way to help Alana. And..."

"Why?"

"I mean... Because she needs help." I said, making sure my eyes were on his as I said it. This moment could not be recreated and I needed to be as honest as possible. He clenched his jaw and closed his eyes tight, like he was preparing himself. "Nick? What's wrong?" I asked nervously, "Kaia, I love you too but I think we should break up." The world around me stopped, the birds and the warm breeze were gone, instead all I heard was a loop of those words... Break up. "What.... Why?... I just told you I love you." I stood up to face him, confused. I knew he was hurt because of Alana but this was taking it too far! "Why!?" I asked, getting angrier as I walked up on him. He didn't move at all but his eyes softened, "You know I'm moving for college and there is no way to see each other regularly." he said. "So!? You said that THIS was what YOU wanted. So how do you just say that."

"I do want this, more than you understand but I can't keep coming second to my own ex. You think that shit feels good? It doesn't! I thought if I loved you and showed you how good we could be, it would be US vs everyone. Instead, it's you vs everyone including me. I can't ask you to stop being yourself but damn, this ain't a partnership Kai. Everything is always about Alana and not only that, only YOU can fix her. She has shown you that she doesn't want your help yet... I'm just not sure if you want me or if you're with me because you can't be with Alana." Before I could stop them, I realized they were falling off my cheeks. He turned away from me and left, he without saying another word. He just got in his truck and drove away.