Ineffabilis

Lone or ly

One of the natural desires of the human heart is friendship. They make us laugh, cheer us up, and stick with us through the tough times. But having no friends? How does that feel like?

To start off with, it is extremely lonely and crushing. You begin to obsess about the fact that you have no friends and you continuously wonder why.

You turn your harshest critical eye inward and self-examine and magnify all flaws, searching for a possible answer. Since you obsess about it so much, you begin to feel like everybody else must notice what a loner you are too. Then you become paranoid, feeling like whenever other people look at you, they see a friendless weirdo loser with no prospects in life--no future. This only makes it that much harder to make new friends.

So now a downward negative spiral begins--being slightly shy turns people away, making it more difficult to make new friends, which in turn makes you less socially capable. It's next to impossible to enjoy yourself at parties, on the rare occasions that you get invited to one.

While you're walking alone down a street, it feels as though all passers-by are of higher order, socially intelligent, fashionable people who effortlessly glide through life on a winged chariot of charm and charisma. In comparison you are alone and defective, and very bitter about it. You begin to hate; nay, to despise the "popular" people in all their blithe and breezy self confidence.

You check Facebook, your e-mail, and Twitter compulsively. You become addicted to the red notifications, clicking the refresh button like a rat frantically pressing a lever for the next dose of cocaine. When one does come, it is immensely satisfying for an oh-so-brief moment, until the lonely abyss returns to swallow you whole once more. You have an irresistible urge to express, but you know that is not possible. If possible, counter productive. Even if you approach someone you don't trust that person, aware that you are going to regret it later.

Apart from all vices, you slowly develop the ability to love yourself. 

You are your own best friend. You are good to yourself and treat yourself with a lot of respect and kindness. It's easy to be negative towards yourself when you have no one around you. But you try not developing overly negative feelings towards yourself as no one likes an egomaniac. So now, you turn to other hobbies and little inner talents to sate your emotional void. Music becomes your best friend. Small things bring a smile to your face and you understand the depth of every situation and life itself.  

You write to your relatives or find a pen pal. Writing a letter to someone helps you get through tough times and stay in touch with the positive in your life. You treat them as you would wish to be treated, finding yourself coming a long way.

You step up as a Volunteer. Doing things that benefit your neighborhood like community service projects seems to be a great way to meet people. Helping the less fortunate allows you to step out of yourself and put things into perspective. You Try to make friends with an animal. Often, pets can act as a nexus of socialization.

Socializing is extremely difficult, and you find yourself in awkward situations regularly. You are aware socializing is to go out on a limb and take a risk. You talk to the popular crowd at their table and they insult you, but you walk away and praise yourself for stepping into that lion's den. You even ask someone out and get rejected,  but praise yourself for having the bravery to admit your feelings. You look at the bright side of life. 

You believe having friends make you dependent of others, which can be considered a weakness. You realize that you're among the stronger ones if you can make it through life without friends. Since you have no friends, you don't care what you wear, what you look like or  people think of you. You are free of your own opinions and don't have to back up your arguments because nobody is listening anyway: whether you are a racist, a homophobe or even a Bieber fan, no need to be ashamed.

Eventually you realize that it's just the way you're wired. It's not so much your own choice but a tragic flaw. But That is what it is like to have no friends.

Only until someone comes along to pull you out of your self-imposed seclusion, will you begin to return to normalcy.

But I guess.. as you age, you get used to it.  I'm still finding balance.