What Might Have Been

** This fan fic is loosely based on a true story (not of Kim & Xian but of someone dear to me) **

It's past 9AM and here I am staring on my ceiling, unwiling to move, still racking my brains out why oh why I cant seem to move past what happened. It's been a week for crying out loud!

'Let it go Kim, let it go, kalimutan mo na yun. What you need to do is drag your ass out of bed, take a shower and go home. Yes, yun ang dapat mo gawin.' I told myself loudly, still convincing myself hard to go back home and attend my best friend's birthday party. 'Kasi alam mo yun? Jade will kill you kapag hindi ka dumating, besides nag sorry na si.. sya sayo di ba? You even told him you forgave him already, so ano pang pinag-iinarte mo ngyon?' I continued talking to myself.

'Mommy Kim, pwedeng ako muna mag shower? I'll gonna be late for my drawing class if antayin pa kita matapos makipag debate sa sarili mo!' Lenny, my roommate, called out to me laughing.

'Ewan ko sayo Lenny, sige mang-asar ka pa!'

'You're lucky Ate Tin left early today, if not mas malalang pang-aasar aabutin mo', Lenny said referring to our other roommate. 'But seriously, can I take a shower first? I still have drawing class at 10.'

'Go! Hindi naman ako nagmamadali umuwi eh' I sighed.

'I can see that, but you know what Mommy Kim? If I were you? I'd stop beating myself up over a moment of weakness, nakainom ka lang nun, and beside's it's just a kiss. Don't fret too much, you don't even have to tell JR about it, what he doesn't know won't hurt him.' Lenny said before turning to go to the bathroom.

'Len, why you're not calling JR, daddy? Diba you consider me as your mommy here in Manila, technically JR's your daddy since boyfriend ko sya?' I asked her before she step inside the bathroom.

Lenny looked over her shoulder to me and said, 'Cause I can't feel the same warmth I am feeling from you, from him. Parang may iba or kulang? I dunno.' She shrugged her shoulder and go inside the shower.

Her statement struck me, i couldn't believe she feels it too, yung parang may iba, may kulang kay JR. JR and I have been together since high school, yes, our romance may have been on again and off again for the past 4 yrs, but still, he's been that one constant someone whose been with me for the longest time. We've been through a lot already and I was so certain that I love him, that I'll love him forever. Until a week ago.. Until Xi.. until he happened. Sigh, one crazy night, and my world turns upside down. Everything I know and believed in changed with that 1 night, that 1 kiss..

===========================

What time you'll get here? I texted JR.

It was my Kuya William's wedding and JR was on closing shift, he's a working student and he currently work at BENCH as part time salesman. His being hardworking is one quality I love so much, though their family's experiencing some financial problem after his Dad got loss most of their savings in a pyramid scam, JR didn't let that dampen his dream to finish college. He applied for a scholarship on his university and work at night to provide for this studies. It was diffult for him, and me.. I was not used to not having his full attention, and lately it's been hard for me not to be his priority. But I understand his situation, and I love him, kaya ok lang if hindi kami halos magkita. If I only got to spend time with him once a week, but times like this, on occassions like this. I can't help but wish to go back to the days na I am his priority. Sigh.

Sorry hon, I can't make it. I still need to run to Renn's place, thesis., JR replied.

There goes my hope to dance sweet music with my boyfriend, I sighed. I looked around me and feel pity on myself seeing that I am alone, sitting on a corner of a ballroom filled with happy couples and teenagers alike having fun.

It's ok, I understand, text me when you're home safely :), I replied back, swallowing the bitterness I am feeling.

Ok Kim, you're not about to sit here all night and watch the newly wed and other happy couples dance the night out right? I told to myself, and get up, I was on the way to the buffet table to get something to eat to cheer myself up when I heard someone call my name.

'Kim! Nettyjud!'

I turned and saw JC, my cousin, calling me, 'Uy Nettyjud, where were you? Hindi na kita nakita after ng kainan, i thought nag eat and run ka na naman.'

'Haha baliw ka tlg netty, san si JR mo?' He asked, for some reason, JC like Lenny doesn't like JR much.

'Ahm.. may work pa eh.' I said.

'At 11:30PM? Hanggang 10 lang ang SM ah!'

'Closing sya today and I told him not to go here na, he still need to finish his thesis eh. He wanted to go here nga eh, I insist lang na unahin yung thesis nila ni Renn, mas importante naman yun dba?' I explained defensively.

'Netty, chill, nagtatanong lang. Anyway, anong ginagawa mo dito? Hindi ka belong dito, for couples tong ballroom na to eh. Why don't you join us sa roof top? All the fun is there'. JC winked with a naughty smile.

'Uy netty, kinabahan naman ako sa smile mo.'

'Loka! All the single ladies & guys are there! Tara na, ma o - OP ka lang dito' he said holding me on the arm dragging me to the roof top.

There was 3 tables on the roof top, all were occupied with familiar faces, yes, JC is right all were single, well except for one, Xian.

'Akala ko ba singles lang andito, what is he doing here?' I asked JC pointing to Xian who at that time was laughing heartily with my youngest borther JP.

'Ano ka ba teng? Ikaw din naman may jowa dba? But you're also here, like you MIA din ang GF nya. And to tell you honestly ha? You know naman that Xian's tropa doesn't like that girl dba?' JC whispered to me. 'Let's go party!' he said dancing his way to the table beside Xian's.

I was left standing on the middle and look around, JC was right it seems that all the fun is on this place. There was music, familiar faces chattering away and alcohol. I was torn between staying or just going home, after all I cannot remember when was the last time i drink without JR. But then again, what will I do at home? I took a deep breathe and step towards to were JC is seated. That was when I saw Xian staring at me, he raised his hand that was holding a glass of beer and smiled.

I blushed and gave him a small smile (or was it a wince?) and continued walking towards JC rather consciously. The fact that Xian smiled at me and was on the same place with me is making me feel uneasy. Sigh.

Kaya ko ba talaga to be on the same place with him?, I asked myself. OO naman, ano ba Kimberly Sue, si Xian lng yan noh? And besides may bf ka na, may JR ka na so don't let Xian's presence affect you. You're already 20 for Christ's sake, stop feeling like the 7 yr old Kim. I chastised myself.

Okay, you maybe wondering who the heck is Xian and why is his stare and smile making me blush from head to foot? He's just my childhood crush, yes he is. Alexander Xian Lim, my long time crush and dream. We've known each other since forever, he was my Kuya William's tropa but for some unknown reason we we're never close. And yes, I have a long unrequited hidden desire for him, if JC's obssess with Justin Timberlake since forever, then he's the Justin Timberlake of my life.

Once again, I found myself all alone at the table, JC and my other cousins and friends were on the side of the roof top dancing away. I watched them with amusement and chuckled when I saw a friend poured one full pitcher of beer on JC's head.

'Can I join you?' I froze mid laughter when I heard that voice behind me. Almost too afraid to look back I dare take a peek at behind. Please let it not be Xian, please, please. I begged on my mind, I swear I might drop dead right then and there if it is indeed Xian.

'Mag-isa nalang kasi ko sa table namin eh, and if JP see me all alone he'll drag my poor ass to the dance floor. And to tell you a secret? I can't for the life of me dance. Please, let me sit here and save me from humiliation.' Xian begged, giving me the puppy eye look. And I melted. Flatline.

Dang! What could a girl do? I'm telling you no girl could stand to look at that eyes and say no. No one. And yes I said. 'Yes, you can sit here with me.'