Wolf Girl (Book 1)

Chapter 4: Jana

Jana's POV

Moments ago my heart was racing with excitement, now it sinks to the bottom of my chest. I wore my heart on my sleeve and she rejected me.

"Yeah, I get it, it's rushed," I try to stay calm, "But, if it's too soon for you, why did you hold my hand for most of the day?" I ask, "And on the field? It seemed like you wanted something to happen."

"That was just- I was confused. I am confused. And tired. I'm not writing this off, Jana. I just can't commit right now," she won't look me in the eye.

"Do you know how hard it was for me to show my feelings like that?" I stand up, finding it more and more difficult to remain collected.

"Jana, I-"

"It's not fair for you to lead me on like that," I say finally and walk away from her. She follows behind me, not bothering to say anything else.

Once we get home, I go down to the cellar. I half expect her to follow me, but her footsteps don't reach the stairs. I curl up in the tatty old armchair in the corner, chewed up by generations of Smith family Wolfbloods, and weep silently into my knees. I'm angry at myself for exposing my feelings like that, but I'm angrier for taking it out on Carys, she's had a hell of a day and I've probably made it worse. I shouldn't have gotten so mad at her.

I hear her phone ring and when she answers, I can hear Geraint on the other end, "Detention?" He says.

"I'm sorry dad, I just had a rough day. And I'm sorry for all of the stuff last week," Carys replies.

He sighs, "I know you're having a hard time too, and I haven't been there for you. The Morwal, it's hard to fight off sometimes," Geraint replies.

"I know, it is for me too, but we have each other."

Her dad has the Morwal too? They both seem to have some control over it, at least more than I did.

"We can get through this," he tells her. "Listen I'm not going to be home for a while so you and Jana can get a takeaway."

"Okay, just stay safe, yeah? I love you."

"I love you too, Carys."

I'm glad she didn't tell him about our argument, it would be even more awkward living here if he knew what was going on between us. Not that there is anything now. I hear her footsteps above me, and Carys comes down to the cellar.

"I know how hard it was for you to be honest with me because it was hard for me too," she stands by the door, pulling at a loose thread on the sleeve of her cardigan, "I'm sorry, I hate the feelings I have for you because I can't control them," she steps closer to me. "I have this need to be in control of every little thing. I'm not mad at you, I understand where you're coming from. I want to be with you so badly, but I can't lose control. I just can't."

"What's wrong with losing control? It can be good," I say standing up and walking over to her, "If you want to be with me, then be with me," I've never felt this way about anyone before and I'm not letting this go without a fight.

Her breathing speeds up the closer I get to her, "It's not the right time, my girlfriend broke up with me because I kept lying to her, and I hurt her. I can't let that happen again; I care too much about you. Jana, you're the only other Wolfblood I've met outside of my parents. I don't want to hurt you too."

"So, don't. Don't hurt me. I know so much about you already. There's no way someone so kind-hearted could do anything to hurt me," I step towards her and take her hand.

"It's the control thing," she sighs and pulls away. "I couldn't control what happened today with the Morwal. Or with Anwen, or my mum. I can't control my feelings for you. I need to keep everything in order, it keeps me sane. I need to be in charge of who I'm with, or who I'm not with."