The Song

Part Twenty-One

Ten minutes later I heard a knock on the door to my room. I was fully expecting it, I knew Aston would come to check up on me.

“Yeah?” I sniffled as he pushed it open.

“You ok?” he asked, leaning on the frame and looking in at me.

“No."

“Jess, what’s going on?” he asked, coming to sit on the edge of the bed.

I pushed myself into a sitting, wiping my face with the back of my hand. “I’m exhausted,” I said.

“So rest.”

“Not like that,” I replied, “I’m tired of this whole situation, I just want it to go away. But I don’t know what to do.”

“Oh.”

“I’m exhausted and frustrated and so lost right now.”

“You’ve got me,” Aston said.

“I don’t know who you are!” I cried out, hitting the bed with my hand, “Don’t you get it!”

“Sorry, I…”

“Aston I know you’re trying to help me, that you want to help me. And I appreciate that. But in my head you’re just some popstar I’ve never met, that I never will meet.”

I saw his face fall at that, his eyes looking down at the bed spread.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” I sighed, “I’m learning to trust you and I don’t want to hurt you. But this whole situation is hard.”

“I know.”

“The people that were over are supposed to be my friends, but I hardly knew any of them! And Ellie… The last I remember we were like sworn enemies!” I said.

“You’re ok now,” Aston mumbled.

“Maybe we are, but I’m not living in the now. I was sitting in a room full of people living in the right now, and I’m still back in 2011 or whatever. It’s hard!”

“What can I do to help you?” Aston asked, “I’ll do anything.”

“Nothing,” I said, “You’ve done so much. There is nothing you can do.”

“Jess…”

“I need you to go back to living your normal life.”

“My normal life is with you though,” he replied, looking up to catch my eyes.

“I mean like work and stuff. I don’t want to be holding you back from things with the band. You’ve got thousands of people out there who want your music, who want to see you perform, all of that. I know you want to help me, but I don’t want you to let them down.”

“You’re more important,” Aston mumbled.

“Ast…”

“No, I get what you’re saying. But you’ve got to understand that I can’t lose you.”

I closed my eyes and let out a breath at this. How did I find someone who loved me so unconditionally? He was willing to give almost everything up to be with a girl who couldn’t even remember him. It was madness.

A silence fell as more tears started to fall down my face. I didn’t get it. I had no feelings for him, but he was blindingly in love with me.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Aston whispered.

“I don’t know how much longer I can do this,” I sighed.

“Do what?”

“All of it. Live this life.”

“Don’t say that,” he pleaded.

“How long can I live in this haze? Living some other girl’s life?”

“She’s you!” Aston said.

“I don’t know her,” I replied shaking my head.

“Jessica you’ve got to remember,” Aston said, “You will! I promise!”

“How do you know that?” I challenged, “How do you know that things will magically fall into place? You have no idea what this is like.”

“I know I don’t,” Aston said, “But I believe in you. I believe in us.”

“What if I don’t remember?” I asked, “What if a year goes by and I’m in the same place.”

“It won’t happen.”

“What if it does?” I challenged, “It’s not going to be good for me to struggle through this life day to day. And it’s going to be awful for you to have to deal with me.”

“We’ll figure it out…”

“No Ast. At some point, if these memories don’t come back, I’ve got to just start from scratch. Begin a new life.”

“So you’d leave me?” he asked, his eyes welling up with tears.

“Why would you want to be married to a girl that doesn’t know you? That doesn’t have any feelings for you?”

“Because I remember the past. I remember how perfect life was,” he said, “I could never find that with someone else. Never.”

“Wouldn’t you want to try?”

“No.”

“Aston,” I sighed, “Be real.”

“I am being real Jess. I’d rather live alone and miserable for the rest of my life than be with someone other than you.”

“How do you know that?” I asked, “It’s not live you’ve tried to be with someone else.”

“I couldn’t do it.”

I sat and stared at him for a minute, not sure what to say anymore. Here it was again, this undying love. I didn’t feel it, but as I watched him breakdown in front of me for the second time I knew he did.

“I’m going to go to bed,” Aston sighed, getting up and leaving without another word.

I could hear him shuffling around and then the door to the master bedroom snapped shut loudly. I wasn’t sure if he was angry or upset by what I’d said, and honestly I wasn’t trying to hurt him. I was just being truthful. I didn’t know if it would work for us to live like this if my memory never came back.

Sighing to myself I pulled the duvet over my head and let the tears fall, thinking everything over. I couldn’t hold him back for the rest of his life, it wasn’t right. He needed to have a chance to live happily and in love. And I wasn’t sure that chance could be with me.

And so I made a decision: If I didn’t begin to get my memory back in one month I would disappear from his life. Forever.