To My Youth [BL]

[13] All of That, Just to Become Who I Was (2/2)

"I don't really know. He's just living his life, I guess. I don't know him that well, so I'm sure you'll probably have a stronger opinion about him since you talk to him more often. You're both are a part of the student council after all."

"That's true."

From his eloquent tone and eyes, Gu Xiao sensed Song Anwen was waiting for him to say more, like he wanted to learn something from him, or perhaps study his character. Though Gu Xiao was sure there would be more suitable questions other than talking about Wang Xing if he wanted to know him better, but he still went with it.

"My answer might have been different if you described the collective, but since you just pointed out Wang Xing, I would just say that everybody is immature, even myself, and we are not even aware of it."

"Then, what do you think of those with a big ego?" he asked with his low, usual mellifluous voice and a graceful expression that stirred Gu Xiao to wander through his strange characteristics.

"Maybe they just have a lot of confidence."

"And really arrogant," Zhang Yongyin added.

Song Anwen continued, "Hm, maybe those with high egos indulge in self-destructive thoughts while using it as a mechanism to hide their inferiority."

A particular person back in Shanghai sprung into Gu Xiao's mind. The person who displayed the most arrogance that he was surprised to know there was indeed a living human who could even embody this much haughtiness. He Rong.

With that certain boy popping up in Gu Xiao's mind, he responded, "You're probably right. Everyone has an ego, and it can get rather intolerable, but it isn't something that can be destroyed fully. Then what happens when you try to destroy it? Surely, living would be easier that way. But I guess it isn't as easy as it sounds."

"Destroy it?"

Gu Xiao puckered his lips and scratched his chin. Not knowing what to say, he blurted every word in his head and constructed them into sentences, hoping it would make sense to the other's ears.

"It's as you said. When a person grows to hate themselves so much that they indulge in self-destructive and degrading thoughts, but instead of thinking they are better than everybody else, they soon desire to destroy themselves. Many people are unsure whether they are destroying their ego constructed by society or if they are destroying themselves since it's difficult to tell the clear distinction between the two."

"But what would become of them once they annihilate their ego, which is presumably their shadow?" Song Anwen asked.

"Then all their insecurities would show, would it not? They become completely vulnerable and irritable, perhaps an even worse version of themselves. Yes, the ego is merely a screen to divert their own attention from their fears and self-loathing. Would it not be easier if they just accepted their faults? In the end, no one would care as much as they think they would. And they would soon realise it after they destroy their façade. That no one really even cared..."

Gu Xiao's pair of clouded eyes were like mist, lingering in the endless vast sky. His gaze landed on Lan Yuning, but he seemed to be staring into the distance like he was searching for something that didn't exist, and the colours all just drained out, washing along the creek.

Once again, Lan Yuning had caught him in a state that he had been hiding from others. Their short encounter didn't last long when the short-haired boy instantly looked back at his notes.

The listless face Gu Xiao currently wore appeared rather authentic, as though he was taking a short break in which he longed for a long time.

Gu Xiao realised he had been rambling on and slowly closed his mouth. Instantly, he darted his head to Song Anwen, who had this interest pasted on his eyes.

He was amazed at the sudden impression that his words spoken by chance produced.

"Then you're saying to get rid of lies?"

"No. I'm just giving my view of what would probably happen if egos were destroyed. I think lying is good sometimes. If we couldn't lie, would people not be more miserable? If we took away one's ability to lie, it is the same as taking away the ability to speak the truth. People would start leaving out words, sentences, information, to avoid consequences. Wouldn't that be taking away truthfulness?"

Song Anwen slowly nodded. He seldomly rubbed his chin and occasionally wrote things down.

"I guess you really are that same person," Song Anwen muttered under his breath. 

"Did you say something?"

"It's nothing. Do you remember the Science Academic Competition?"

"Yes," Gu Xiao responded.

"I think I remember seeing you there. Do you remember, Lan Yuning? We were there too," Song Anwen asked Lan Yuning, who was taken aback by the sudden question.

After processing his words, Gu Xiao's breath paused slightly, though his eyes remained indifferent. This competition was held during their first senior year when Gu Xiao and Zhang Yongyin were still in their old school, so to think Song Anwen would know something about him...

"Are you sure it was me?"

Zhang Yongyin stole a glimpse at Gu Xiao, but he remained silent.

"I'm sure it was you."

"Hey, do you really think I can qualify for the competition with my grades?" he laughed.

Only the top two students at selected school could participate in that science competition, so Gu Xiao wasn't surprised when he heard Lan Yuning and Song Anwen went.

Yet Song Anwen's confidence in thinking that he was sure he saw him there weaved these conflicting thoughts within him. But after processing that thought, was that why Lan Yuning looked so familiar? That meant they must have met during that time, but he could barely remember anything.

"Your school had a black and grey uniform, right? I just remember one of the two who was nominated to participate from your school was quite interesting. I think his name was Wu Fei?"

That was him.

Both Gu Xiao and Zhang Yongyin froze. As though charcoal fumes had filled the entire library, that name suffocated them.

The fearful exhaustion took control of Gu Xiao, that his face gradually grew to have a death-like pallor, his lips turning pale while his heart withdrew back into a hollow cavern.

"Also, I remember seeing you in the debating competition, too. Were you in the second position? Wu Fei was there as well. I wonder what he's doing now," Song Anwen chuckled.

The bell rung and the noise of students packing up their materials drowned the silence in their conversation.