Being Nonbinary (Trans and Nonbinary Problems)

It get's better

It's cliched and it's hard to believe, but it's true, it really does get better.

It takes time and it doesn't get better all at once, it's a gradual improvement. Sort of a reverse frog in boiling water thing, you barely notice it.

A year or two ago, I was going through a rough time. I was suffering from a lot of dysphoria, I wasn't sure if I was ever going to be happy. I wasn't sure I was ever going to be respected in my identity. I'll spare you the details but, I wasn't in a good space mentally.

My first introduction to nonbinary genders, was a short story called The Courage of Dragons from a book called Proud. In it a nonbinary kid started a new school (I think it was high school but it was the English system so I'm confused) and was out from day one(that's just the intro to the story, not the story line). It's a really great story, it was the first thing that made me feel seen and accepted, but it did make me feel that coming out was all or nothing, so when I lost my nerve at the beginning of high school, I thought I would have to wait till university.

I was wrong. It didn't have to be all or nothing and I didn't have to wait till uni. I came out gradually. First to a friend who I knew was queer, then to the rest of my friends (several times; 1 as a trans dude (oops), 2 as nonbinary, but they kind of forgot, 3 as nonbinary again, with my proper name). And slowly to other people.

I was so sure it wouldn't get better but now, I have supportive friends and teachers who use the correct name and pronouns. And sure I'm not out to my parents, but there's still plenty of time. It got better without me noticing, and not in the way I expected. It's still hard and I still have a ton of problems, but my gender identity doesn't even make it into the top ten, and that's great.

It's gonna get better, no matter how hopeless it seems.

Side note: Proud, compiled by Juno Dawson, is a great read. The courage of dragons is a wonderful story that has a lovely blend of gender queerity, activism and D&D. I highly recommend it.