BLAME IT ON THE SUNSHINE

CHAPTER 3 (ELIANA)

DECEMBER 17

I roll onto my other side, taking my phone with me. Lilia and I have been on FaceTime for over an hour, and it's actually been quite the challenge to position myself in bed so I'm comfortable, but not so comfortable that I'll fall asleep. It's already past 1 am, and our flight leaves tomorrow morning (or this morning? Because it's after midnight? I don't know).

"I seriously cannot believe that this is your first time going on vacation," Lilia muses through the screen, laying in her own bed. "I mean, your dad's a lawyer and your mom is a freaking neurosurgeon. If you went to like, Aruba, every year, I wouldn't bat an eye."

"I don't know," I sigh. "I guess they've always been too busy for vacations?"

"Maybe," Lilia says thoughtfully. "Though if I had an intense job like they do, I'd be jumping at the chance for a vacation."

"Me too," I say, leaning further back into my pillows.

I don't say this out loud, but I suspect this vacation has something to do with my siblings. My parents became a lot more... well, involved after they entered the picture.

I'm nearly eight years older than the twins, so while I don't remember a ton from the time before they were born, I remember enough. My parents were always working, so I was pretty much raised by Gigi, my nanny. We liked to joke that my parents were robots who were always in "Career Mode".

But when Nina and Nico were born, things shifted. My parents started spending more and more time at home, and eventually told Gigi we didn't need her anymore. And as the twins got older, we started doing fun family outings, like going to the movies, amusement parks, and even Niagara Falls one time, too. We also started seeing Nan and Pops.

I was excited to be doing all this fun stuff, of course, but I also didn't understand why we weren't doing these things all along. My parents were still working a lot, but they were suddenly making time for us. Was I, alone, somehow not enough for them?

I used to think maybe I wasn't. And still I think maybe I'm not.

Lilia suddenly gasps, pulling me out of my thoughts. "You have to borrow the red dress I got at Artizia earlier. You will look so good in it."

I laugh. "Thanks, Lil, but I don't think I'll need to pack anything that fancy. It's just a family cruise."

"Nonsense," Lilia tsks. "You never know when the right occasion might present itself. And— waitaminute, you're gonna be gone for Christmas, New Year's, and your birthday. That's three occasions right there."

I sigh. "Well, I know you're not going to take no for an answer, so sure. I'll borrow it. That doesn't mean I'm gonna actually wear it, though."

"I'm just saying, if Ashton saw you in that dress, he would totally burst into flames." She smirks.

I drop my head into my hands and groan. "Lilia." I can't help but smile, though. Good thing my hands are covering it.

"I mean, I don't think you should dress for a guy," she continues. "You should dress for yourself, of course. But if you wanted to wear that dress then, well, I think he'd do more than just notice."

"Bro," I groan.

"He'd fall in love," she whispers theatrically, eyes wide.

"I think I'm gonna be sick."

Lilia and I continue bantering for a while longer. Eventually, I start nodding off and have to say goodnight. But when I try to actually fall asleep, I just keep tossing and turning. Which is annoying, because I have to be up in a few hours for our flight.

I stare at the collage of photos encompassing the wall by my door. Maybe it's the anticipation of the vacation that's keeping me up? Though, courtesy of Lilia, I find myself thinking of Ashton.

Contrary to what Lilia may think, I'm not blind to the fact that Ashton is attractive. He is tall, has hair that can only be described as "luscious", and has biceps that make it clear he spends a lot of time at the gym. He's nice to look at, for sure. And, more importantly than looks, he's got a good personality. Hypothetically speaking, if I were at a party with him, I feel like I could trust him to watch my drink.

I don't know if he's seeing anyone, but if not, I'm sure he's got a long line of potential suitors. Even if he is seeing someone, I'm sure he's got some sort of waitlist or something. He's just that picture-perfect type of person.

But, much like a photograph, I feel like he's two-dimensional. Obviously he's a real person. I'm sure he's got a lot of complicated thoughts and feelings. But I don't know. He feels... flat, somehow. Maybe it's just our relationship. I mean, I really don't know him that well. Maybe that's why it feels like something's missing.

Or maybe underneath all her joking, Lilia's right. Maybe Ashton does like me, but I try not to admit it to myself. So, instead, I distance myself. Think of all the reasons why I don't like Ashton so I can get the ick and move along with my life. Because why would someone like me? I'm a pretty average person. It's unfathomable that I, of all people, could be the best person someone's ever met.

I mean, that's why you like someone, isn't it? Because they're special? In junior high, I had a crush on Colton Harper because his eyes were the coolest shade of hazel I'd ever seen. And in high school, I liked Francesco Noir because of the way he always talked about the seniors he'd befriended working at a retirement home.

But nothing came out of these crushes. I barely even talked to these guys, in fact. Because what if they got to see the real me, and they didn't like what they saw. Or, worse, what if they did like the real me? I think I would get weirded out and run away. It was a lose-lose situation.

So I guess maybe it's both. Maybe I truly don't like Ashton, and maybe I'm trying to prevent a case of unrequited love from either party.

I shift positions and stare out the window, through the blinds and darkness and to the houses across the street. For right now, it's fine. But I want to have my first kiss at some point. And I do want to know what it's like to be in love. What happens if I never figure it out? What if I'm never enough for anyone?

What if I'm never enough for myself?