My Replacement Husband

My Replacement Husband (17) Me and You

WHAT DO I WANT?

It was a scarier question that it seemed.

The truth was that as much as I hated not being given a choice, having the choice to make the wrong decision was something I hated even more. Suddenly, for the first time, I was forced into the driving wheel and I had to choose where to put myself.

I had been avoiding reading Evan's manuscript for the entire day.

I excused myself from it by working on other manuscripts I had to edit, but at the end of the day, it was still my job to read what Evan had written as a literary agent looking to help her author. Once I put myself in a more objective mindset, I was ready to continue reading.

"Being with her was real. It was as simple as that. Everyone thinks they want the fairy tale. They think they want Prince Charming on his high horse or to save the Princess from her evil stepmother. They want fire-in-their-veins, passionate love that keeps you wondering: will they kiss you or kill you? That kind of love is like a candle. It's hot for a moment before the wind blows it out. That kind of love leaves you cold again."

Was this really related to me?

What did he mean back at the hospital when he said it wasn't what was so great about me?

"Real is not always easy. In fact, it's the opposite. I put the flight in flight-or-fight. It was easier to run away when things got hard. I stayed away from the seriousness of life with jokes. When my parents were in the midst of their divorced, I willfully moved in with my grandparents to avoid their bickering. When said grandparents died, I didn't go to the funeral. When my sister was diagnosed with premature heart disease, I pretended to be too busy to visit. Not because I didn't love them—never because I didn't love them—but it was too painful to face reality. I thought she was the same. She had moved away to leave her own destructive past behind, hadn't she? We were not just two sides of the same coin?"

I paused to fully absorb what I had read.

It hurt to know that Evan had held so much pain inside. During our relationship, he was rarely ever upset. It was almost like the image of his happy, smiling face and demeanor were burned into my mind. At the time, I had ignorantly thought Evan was someone who wasn't affected by the circumstances in his life. He was easy-going. At one point, I had resented him for how carefree he could be. I was convinced he couldn't understand me, and in the end, it turned out that I couldn't understand him.

"She was everything I thought she would be and yet nothing I could have expected all at once: head-strong but still willing to compromise, peaceful and still confrontational, and confused yet determined to figure it all out. I thought she would be like me, but she wasn't. She faced her father's death by running to his old home, she tried to mend her broken relationship with her family, and she wrote words so powerful that they almost felt like they had their own souls. She made me feel like the fraud I had always been, and I tried to stifle her so I wouldn't be reminded of the person I couldn't be. I resented her for it."

Evan had resented me?

I was floored. Never did I see myself the way Evan described me. I saw a wimp in the mirror. Someone who couldn't handle her life in Alabama so she left. Someone who had failed as a daughter and sister. Someone who wrote about loss and love like a madman because that was the only way she could express her emotions.

I almost didn't want to continue reading.

Evan's words put a heaviness in my heart.

I didn't know him. I loved him for two years, and now, he felt like a stranger. I had never dug deeper, and instead, I assumed the worst about him.

Ever since Evan came back, it had been a whirlwind of emotions. There was a part of me that couldn't face him out of sadness. I didn't want to be dragged back into that pit, but I never thought Evan might have been feeling the same way. That didn't make him a saint, but I wasn't a completely innocent either.

"When you love someone, you will see their potential for greatness. I knew the potential she held in her mind, and when I wasn't happy about it, I knew I didn't really love her. I contently let her sink into my shadow. I was scared if she knew the kind of person she could be, then she would realize how much better she would be without me. She really was better off because she never saw me as selfish, 'a go-getter' she called me, but the only thing I got was a sad excuse of an ego from winning by letting her lose."

I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand. In some ways, it was reminiscent of how I felt about Ethan when we had broken up. I knew Ethan would be a great doctor, and while I didn't resent him for it, I resented myself for not being the person he should give up his dreams for. If I took my self-esteem out of the picture, the truth was that I couldn't let Ethan give up an opportunity he had worked nearly his lifetime for while I was unsure about him.

Yoona was right. Ethan had his insecurities at times. He made me feel like everything was dependent on me, and it was hard. I didn't know what was best, and it felt like a weight on my shoulders to be the only one making such a big decision for him. I was the same in a way. I was insecure about my life. I wasn't confident in myself. I was ashamed when I did feel an ounce of self-esteem.

I had to make a decision and stick with it.

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"WHY ARE YOU HERE?"

I stood up from the waiting room chair. Ethan had shorter shifts on Thursday, and I didn't want to leave things so tense between us. I loved Ethan. He was someone I spent two years with, and he needed to know where I stood clearly.

"I'll leave if you tell me too," I said right away. "Are you hungry? We could grab dinner if you have time, otherwise, I can make this quick. I just didn't want you to misunderstand the situation, Ethan."

He frowned.

"Indian...?" I offered.

He paused for a beat. "Okay."

It felt awkward as we made our way to the train station. "I'm sorry."

He didn't say anything as we walked down the stairs. I fumbled to swipe my Metrocard and walk through the turnstile. "I shouldn't have..."

Ethan stopped walking. "Julie, don't apologize. I shouldn't have lashed out at you. I was tired from my shift, and seeing you with Evan hurt my feelings. I know you and him are long over, but now that we're over too, suddenly it feels like a chance for him to swoop in and take advantage of you."

I held my hand up. "No one is taking advantage of me."

"Julie, be honest. How do you feel about me?" he asked.

I didn't really feel like having this conversation in a dingy, poorly-lit subway station. As the subway rumbled as it rolled into the stop, I grabbed his hand and led him to the front. The cart stopped and we stepped inside.

The air-conditioner was welcoming.

"I love you, Ethan."

His frown softened.

"You were never second-place to Evan. I'm so sorry you ever thought that."

"I was an idiot for saying that," he mumbled.

"We have a lot to talk about," I told him. "I think that it's more complicated than what we initially thought: California, exes, baggage, and the whole ordeal. I..." the train came to an abrupt stop causing me to tumble into Ethan's arms.

"Sorry..." I said as I looked up into his eyes. My hands gripped his forearms to steady myself. He was warm. It was too close yet all too familiar at the same time. "Ethan..."

He leaned in. "I am not giving you up that easily."

Then we kissed.