The Paper Kingdom

Chapter XI: Day and Night

gerard
I don't normally pace, I smoke. And then I drink. But I was pacing back and forth on the hard floors of my parent's basement.

Whatever possessed me to do so rather than poison myself, I couldn't understand. Nothing seemed satisfactory in that moment, so all I did was walk.

Left. Right. Left. Right.

My bare heels hit the floor, and I was lost in thought. I thought about how many people had gotten our new song since we had put it up for free. I thought about the shows that we were going to play. I thought about my art. I thought about the Twin Towers. I thought about thinking. I thought about Jessie.

When my mind landed on her, which didn't take long, I remembered the first time I really looked at her, back at the studio. Her dark eyes were wide, but not scared. More intrigued. She had been having a conversation with the other guys and I had interrupted them, then proceeded to read the lyrics that I wrote on a train. She hadn't done anything to me.

But she had. She confused me. She made me want to look at her all the time, to know more about her, to touch her skin with my own and know that someone so beautiful was real.

I felt too mundane next to her. She didn't look like a goddess, but she was one. She was kind and forgiving even to the the people who didn't deserve it. The way she talked--so softly, so eloquently--made me desperate to hear more. Anything.

And that night when her dumb friends had invaded a nice evening was particularly bothersome to me; I had kissed her, and even though it wasn't on the mouth, I still did it. I hadn't seen what her reaction was. I had turned away too soon. Too soon to see if her expression held any requited feelings for me.

Is that what I had? Feelings? Because I had felt things before for other girls; I had longed over them and prayed for some kind of spark, but nothing was like this. Jessie was almost like a warmth that you don't notice, but when it's away, you begin to freeze.

I stopped pacing, noticing that my heart rate had sped up exponentially. I sat down and tried to clear my head, but Mikey came downstairs and disrupted.

"Hey, bro, what's up?" Mikey asked, almost stunned to see me in my own house. He looked at me and worry washed over his face. "You okay?"

I didn't want to tell him anything, but in my experience, confession had always helped alleviate pain. Naturally, I denied most things I had problems with, but opening up to my brother when my head was so full of confusion was suddenly very appealing. "If I tell you something, can you promise not to tell anyone else?"

Mikey crossed his arms and the expression on his face deepened. "Yeah, of course." Sitting down on the love seat next to me, he nodded, as if to give me the clear for confiding in him.

"It's about Jessie." His mouth tightened, probably expecting some rude remark from me. "No, it's not like that. Mikey, I, I think she's great. She's a good kid, but I also think a lot more of her."

My brother's face softened and he nodded slowly as he began realize what I meant. I wasn't exactly sure how to word anything else after that, but I kept talking. "She's always on my mind. My stomach's in knots whenever we talk. I want to be around her, I want to--"

"Be with her?" Mikey finished, and I nodded, keeping my head down. He knew everything about me, from my stupid quirks to my deepest secrets, and knowing so much made him able to understand. "I get it. She's a cool chick. I don't know what else to say because, well, it's not likely much will happen. You steal a few glances at her, she blushes and bats her eyelashes, then what? A relationship isn't going to happen, Gerard. She's Frank's cousin, let alone the fact she's not even a legal adult. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's what you need." Mikey put a supportive hand on my back.