Love Me With All of Your Heart

Chapter 5

Beam

"... I am so stupid! I was a fool! Oh God!"

I froze when Forth grabs and hugs me tight. He is crying so hard. Is he feeling guilty listening to every word I said? But I don't want his guilt. He said he wanted closure, he said he deserved an explanation. I gave it to him. I told him the reason I was breaking up with him. He should have just leave me after this.

But no. He hugs me.

Seriously?

Two weeks ago, this hug could make me go to heaven. Now I only feel like I want to die and rest in peace. I am so tired feeling unloved and undesired.

I try to release myself, but he is too strong for me. I stand still, let him hold me. Maybe it's for the last time. I close my eyes, I'm such a desperate fool. One single touch from him is enough to make me melt like this.

It has been two weeks since we broke up. The pain in my heart is so severe, to the point of making me numb. Night times are the worst for me, missing the lingering scent of Forth. I used to hug his pillow to make me sleep better when he wasn't around. I can't do that anymore. I cried myself to sleep every night.

Ren said that Forth wept and begged him to stay.

But Forth let go of me so easily. He even asked me to leave and said he never wanted to see me again...

I cried harder and harder.

My friends tried to cheer me up. They never let me be alone. The first few days, they all bunkered in my dorm. They took turns to cuddle with me so I can sleep. I finally told them that I was okay to make them go home to their own dorms.

During day time, they tried to keep me busy. Studying becomes my only salvation. I can bury myself in the medical journal.

I avoided places where all Engineering students like to hang out. A sight of the blue engineering jacket can make me shed a tear, remembering Forth.

I missed him like crazy, but I need to be strong. My friends were right. I deserve better.

I was shocked to see him today. My heart really wanted me to throw myself at him, hold him and beg him to take me back. But my brain stopped me from doing anything stupid.

I stopped him for punching Pha and dragged him to an empty classroom.

He demanded explanation.

He wanted closure.

So that he can move on.

He wanted to move on. I wanted to laugh. Of course, he can move on easily. He doesn't love me. But what about me?

He wanted to know what he did to me to make me breaking up with him.

So, I told him.

The things he didn't do.

"How dare you cry in front of me, Forth...?" I whisper. "This is your closure. Now, just leave. Don't cry and hold me as if I matter to you..."

Forth finally releases me, but he still holds both of my arms.

"Beam... you said what you had to say. But let me say what I want to say. At least give me a chance to explain..." Forth's eyes are red and swollen. He looks so pathetic right now. But I still love him so much.

I shake my head. "Just let me go, Forth. Don't be nice to me. Don't feel sorry for me. You can't love me like you loved Ren. I just don't want to feel unloved anymore..." I cover my face with both of my hands.