the lonely hearts club || n.h au

eighteen

The sound of the rain patting against the window wakes Alexandra up the next morning. With her eyes still closed, she lets the sound of the rain wash over her as consciousness seeps into her slowly, gently welcoming her to a new day. The soft and gentle sound nearly lulls her back to sleep, threatening to steal her wakefulness again, but she fights against it.

Life returns to her body and she starts by opening her eyes, welcoming the still dark room. A room that does not belong to her. It's not her room back in Dublin nor is it her childhood bedroom. And though she's aware of that, it still takes her a moment to register her surroundings.

This room is both familiar and unfamiliar — she spent a lot of time taking it in last night but not enough to have detailed knowledge of the room. But she feels... at home. A strange feeling to feel when you're in a new place, she thinks. But then again, maybe it's not about the place, but rather about the person she's with.

And that's when all of her other senses come to life and she realises that there's an arm draped over her and there's a pair of legs tangled with hers — Niall's. She was certain that there was a respectable space between them before she fell asleep last night. They agreed that they could keep their hands to themselves but still. Turns out, their subconscious had a different idea.

Alexandra turns to look at Niall.

Unlike her, the sound of the rain doesn't wake him. He's still deep in his sleep, his breathing even, and she finds comfort in the sound of his soft breathing.

The comfort, however, is fleeting.

Because the moment memories of last night come flooding back into her mind, her heart thumps wildly against her chest, threatening to leave her body. She can't believe she'd been that bold, that forward with him last night. They might have not crossed that line but they crossed a lot of lines.

He'd been honest with her. Told her what really happened between him and Breena and how his friendship with Owen fell out. And in return, she'd been honest with him too. Told him that she used to have a crush on him and that she wanted him to really know her.

They trust each other and the revelation sparked something in her. It's what pushed her off the edge, drove her to throw caution to the wind and to initiate the kiss.

What they did last night was the most intimate thing Alexandra had ever done — she'd never felt as vulnerable as she did last night. Though it felt right, it was also the one thing that wasn't supposed to happen.

What was supposed to happen was this: she was supposed to guard her heart, to not get too close to him when she's uncertain of where she stands in his life.

Seeing Niall with Breena at the pub brought doubt to the surface. She tried not to let it bother her, but it did. That's the thing about these ugly emotions, she thinks, they would rear their ugly head no matter how hard you try to bury them.

Anyone could see the history those two shared, the air of familiarity blanketing them making it obvious to even strangers. Alexandra couldn't stop thinking about how, at some points in their lives, Breena was the girl Niall loved with all his heart.

He could still love her, the voice in her head told her, and she might still love him.

Even though she was there, in the moment, with Niall when he kissed her and when he told her he missed her, she couldn't stop thinking about Niall and Breena, and the history they shared. The more the thoughts bothered her, the higher the walls around her became.

But then he said it. He told her he wanted to know her truth and the walls she'd built around her heart crumbled into ashes. It's all she's ever wanted — for someone to know her, to see her.