the lonely hearts club || n.h au

seventeen

Sorting one's feelings out, Niall finds, is not an easy task. In order to do so, he'll have to confront his feelings — the good ones, the ugly ones — and that's not easy, either. He's exceptionally terrible at it. And if it were up to him, he'd rather not go through his feelings.

But he'd promised Connor and he'd promised himself that he's going to figure out his feelings.

And that's exactly what he did when he went back to his flat later that night. He laid awake in his bed and stared at the ceiling.

He thought about Alexandra, the excitement that courses through him whenever her name appears on the screen of his phone, the happiness that takes up space in his chest whenever they talk and the electricity that runs down his spine when he touches and kisses her. Niall loves being around Alexandra. And he thought: okay, I've figured it all out.

Then, in a flash, Alexandra's face morphed into Breena's, and his heart squeezed in his chest. Memories they shared flooded his mind, the familiarity of it all cocooning him until he fell asleep, and just like that he found himself back in square one. Confused. So fucking confused.

Friday evening finds him nowhere near sorting his feelings out. It's like his heart and his mind have decided to make it impossible to do so.

How did Connor make it sound so easy?

Or maybe it would've been easy if Niall didn't spend years running away from his feelings — now that is something that he's actually good at. Maybe it would've been easy if his feelings weren't so confusing. And it would've definitely been easier if Breena hadn't just walked into the pub, heading straight for him.

"Do you want me to cover for you?" Sam asks — a generous offer, and Niall's tempted to take it. But knowing Breena, she'll ask to speak to him anyway and all this will be pointless.

"It's okay," Niall tells Sam, who gives him a nod and moves to the other side of the bar, and Niall can't decide if he's doing it to give them privacy or to not want to be in the vicinity of Breena Hale. Maybe it's a bit of both.

When Breena reaches him, she tosses her hair to the back and smiles at him — it's the same smile that's been haunting him these past few nights. Niall shakes his head to drive away the memory.

"Hey," Breena says to him, frowning. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Niall nods. "What brings you here?"

Her frown deepens. "You don't sound or look happy to see me."

Instead of warranting her observation with a reply, Niall gets started on preparing her drink. He won't mind working in silence, but Breena has a different plan in mind.

"So, how are you?" She asks. He can hear anxiety lilting her voice, can feel her eyes on him like she's trying to figure out if she can still read him — he doesn't want to know the answer.

"Good."

"And... Alexandra?" Niall looks up, brows furrowing. "You two are still together?"

Clenching his jaw, Niall focuses on the drink he's making and when he's done, he slides the drink over to her. "She's good too," he finally answers, "And yes, we're still together."

Breena winces as if the words have hands and they've just slapped her in the face, but the look disappears quickly when she takes a sip of her drink. Then, she says the one thing she always says whenever she drinks it, "No one does it like you, Horan."

Only this time, Niall doesn't roll his eyes at her and he doesn't flush furiously at the compliment. The words feel hollow, now, having no effect on him. And Niall thinks: maybe this is my answer. Maybe I've figured it out.