the lonely hearts club || n.h au

sixteen

"Are you two official?" Tash asks. 

"I... I don't know," Alexandra gives the honest answer.

Because soon after she told Niall that she wanted to be with him, he pulled her to him and kissed her. He kissed her until her head was dizzy, until the only thing she could think of was him — even now, she can still feel the imprint of his mouth on hers. And he touched her in ways that made her forget her own name while she touched him in ways that made him say her name like he's praying — her skin heats up at the memory of that night.

She doesn't know how long they kissed that night, but what she does know is that she couldn't get enough of his kisses and his touches. And he seemed to be on the same page too when he kissed her not once, not twice but three times before he reluctantly left her flat the next morning but not before whispering against her skin how much it pained him to leave. It was a side of him that she thought she'd never see. And because she can be selfish sometimes, she wants to see that side again.

Alexandra knows now that the line between reality and fabrication has been blurred. It was smudged when he kissed her. It was blurred when he touched her, leaving trails of fire on her skin, awakening and heightening all of her senses. It was stamped out completely when she told him she wanted to be with him.

"You don't know?" Tash's voice brings her back to the present.

"We haven't really talked about it."

There's silence on the other end of the line and Alexandra holds her breath, afraid to hear whatever her friend has to say. Prolonged silence isn't a good sign when it comes to Tash Flores.

"Look, I like Niall, you know I do," her best friend begins and Alexandra can already feel her heart climbing up to her throat. "But we have reasons to believe that maybe, just maybe, that he's not over Breena?"

The name makes her wince and she's glad Tash can't see her. Because if she can, then she'd know Breena bothers Alexandra more than she lets on.

"I mean, I'm sure he likes you. He'd be an idiot not to but—"

"I get it," Alexandra interjects. She wants this conversation to end — desperately. "And I'm okay with it."

"You are?" It's obvious Tash doesn't believe her. According to her best friend, Alexandra Oh is the worst liar ever. "You're okay with the fact that the guy you like is still hung up on his ex?"

Again, Alexandra winces. She wishes she's okay with it. Everyone has baggage. She certainly does. So if Niall's baggage is that he still has feelings for his engaged ex-girlfriend, why can't she be okay with it?

Except, she knows why. Back when she had a massive crush on Niall, Alexandra spent a good chunk of her time comparing herself to Breena. Wondering about the things the other girl had that she didn't. Wondering what Niall saw in her to make him love her so much, to look at her like she's the only person that existed.

"Maybe I'm wrong," Tash offers when Alexandra remains silent. She can hear the guilt in the other girl's voice. "Maybe he's over her."

The thing is, Tash Flores is never wrong. And for once, Alexandra is not too psyched about that.

As soon as the phone call ends, Alexandra takes a deep breath and brings the screen of her laptop back to life. She has work to do; there's no time to dwell on whether or not her friend is right. Because she knows that if she focuses on that thought, she'll spiral and that's the last thing she wants to do. But as she listens to her colleagues giving updates on the programs they've been working on, the thought creeps into her mind.