lost loves, found loves

Two years later - 1945

I have gotten a few letters from James and only one or two from Steve. James repeatedly wrote that he missed me and that, without my beauty, everything was far more ugly over there. He told me about the successful missions with the Howling Commandos and the soldiers close to him they have lost. Despite all of the letters that are now pinned to my wall, I feel lonely and miss him. More than ever, I think about returning home to Asgard, but I fear that I won't leave there again, and James will come back to find emptiness. I wonder what I have missed in Asgard, how Loki is doing, and if Thor is king already.

Having spent almost every evening in that one pub, the Whip & Fiddle, waiting for James and Steve to return, I got a job as bartender. It was unusual for women to have jobs, let alone work behind a bar, but the owner of the pub thought that while I waited, I might as well make some money off of it. So now I am working every evening in that pub, scrubbing the counter and tables and filling the glasses of people and tired soldiers. I never once went home with a man despite the number of offers. I love the idea of Loki, Steve, and James being the only people I have slept with, for they were amazing men and lovers.

So one night, when the pub is already empty and I am kneeling behind the counter to scrub the floors, I hear someone come in.

"Excuse me?"

I jump up at the sound of the familiar voice, knocking over the bucket of water, and run through the pub right into Steve's arms. He smiles, and I smile, and he hugs me very, very tightly.

"What is going on? Why are you back here? Is James with you?" I ask, my voice unnaturally high.

"Do you work here?" He asks, and I nod. "Can I get a drink?"

I nod again, wordlessly, and pour him and myself a glass, fully aware of the fact that it won't do anything for either of us. I join him at one of the just cleaned tables. When I see Steve's sad eyes, I throw back the drink, hoping against hope for at least the smallest effect.

"Steve? Is James with you?" I repeat.

Steve also empties his glass and shakes his head. "No," he says and clears his throat loudly. "No, he is not."

I can feel a lump in my throat and wash it down with another glass of alcohol. "Where- Why? What happened?"

Steve whitens, and I can see his fingers trembling at the side of his glass. "Our mission was to capture Zola. He was on a train, and things got out of hand. Bucky... he... he fell. I couldn't save him. It's my fault."

I pull my chair closer to him and put my hand on his shoulder. "He's gone?" I ask with a shaky voice.

Steve nods, and a tear drips into his empty glass. "He's gone."

I feel like I am being suffocated. No air comes into my lungs, and I feel weak like I am going to faint. "I need air," I say simply and get up, stumbling my way through the pub and out the front doors onto the street, where I sink to my knees. I hold my head between my arms and cry like I haven't cried in a very long time. Never have I thought I would lose someone like I had lost my father all these years ago. But my father died in battle, and so did Bucky. I have lost Loki and Thor, but by my own will, not by the fate of the universe. I cry out into the night until I hear footsteps. When I look up, I see the woman who had come into the pub wearing the red dress.

"Hello," I sob and pull myself to my feet. "I'm sorry, how rude of me."

She smiles. "This is war. We all cry."

I nod. "Are you here to see Steve?"

"Yes, in fact, I am. I have seen you here before, haven't I?" She has a beautiful British accent.

"Yes. A few years ago, I met Steve and Sergeant Barnes here. You wore a red dress, I remember that," I say, wiping away my tears, and I reach out my hand to introduce myself.

"So you know them?" She asks with a smile after introducing herself as Agent Carter.

"Yes, I am with... I was with James..." I try to hold it together, but by the sound of his name, tears come to me again. "I'm sorry, Steve is in there. I will leave you alone, I need some air myself."

She nods and heads inside. When the doors are closed, I lean my back against the wall and look up at the stars. Oh, how I wish to be back home!

---

There is nothing more for me on Earth since James is gone. The war ends, and Steve is gone as well. I wonder how I will live a hundred human lives without someone by my side, but I can't not go back to Asgard without being certain of what I will come home to, so I stay. An organization called Hydra takes me in and trains me. Since I am already stronger than most of the men they have recruited, it does not seem necessary to treat me with the same serum they treated them with. I am merely trained in combat.