Stay By Me

Chapter 16

Diana sat on the bed she now technically shared with Dally. It was a kind of silent agreement, they'd never verbally agreed to it, but now it was a part of both their routines. They sat in uneasy silence, passing a blunt back and forth. Diana had introduced the drug to Dally a few days ago, and now he'd picked up her bad habit.

"What did Sylvia mean to you?" She suddenly whispered.

"What about that bitch? I ain't seeing her now, she was two-timing me again."

She shook her head. "That's not what I'm asking. I wanted to know what she meant to you. She was your girlfriend. But everyone knew why y'all were together. What made her special? What made her any different from me?" Diana asked softly.

Dally knew the answer. He knew exactly what set Sylvia apart. Though his relationship with them was essentially the same, it was what the relationship could be that set them apart. The thing about Sylvia, was that she was stable, in her own certain way. She didn't change. And whenever they were together,he always knew she'd eventually cheat, but it was the same as the time before. In her own way, Sylvia was reliable. He knew how he felt about her.

Diana was almost exactly the opposite. There was nothing stable about her. Nothing could hold her back from her spur of the moment thoughts or actions. But instead of living each day for herself, Diana simply existed each day as herself. There was no rhyme or reason to anything she did. She would feel, so she would act. Dally didn't know how he felt about her. Everything Sylvia did seemed to be an act she put up so that it was all people would see of her. Diana did none of that. Even though she might technically be disguised, the disguise was more of her true self than her past self had ever been. And in a way, that scared him. He was scared of getting close to her, because the girl exuded pain. He instantly knew that getting any closer to her would mean he would get hurt.

"Reliability," is what he said. He winced a bit, that sounded too harsh and didn't describe what he meant.

Diana just nodded. "Good. I don't want to be like Sylvia. Because no matter how many times she cheats on you, you're never hurt by it. She is in a way, reliable. That much I can tell. And I'm not."

"Y-yeah, I guess," he said, tripping over his words a bit.

"Sorry, part of me just wanted to know why you called her your girl, and not me," she said quietly. "I think I understand now."

"No, no you don't," Dally thought bitterly. "Girlfriend" had been a title he'd slapped into Sylvia because at the time he had thought that's what she was to him. But now, he realized that was wrong. He wished he could give the term to Diana. It seemed more right. But he couldn't. Something was stopping him.

It was fear. He was scared. He was so scared to care for her, it hurt.

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Diana lay beside Dallas. She watched the slow rise and fall of his chest. He looked so much younger when he was asleep. Really, that was the age he should look all the time. He was seventeen, he didn't deserve to have already seen more than some people had in eighty.

She was almost asleep, but her thoughts kept her just barely conscious.

She was glad Dally thought she didn't compare to Sylvia. Because she knew that she was falling for him. And she had hoped and prayed he wasn't falling for her. He might care for her, but so long as he didn't make any commitments to her, she could stand it.

She sighed and rolled over, turning away from him. She was starting to realize he was the main person she was scared of hurting. He wouldn't make her his girlfriend because he didn't want to be hurt by her, but she was scared that by now it was really a matter of how much he got hurt. She was going to hurt him in the end, that she was almost certain of.

Just the mere thought of hurting him made her think, if only for a moment. She didn't have to go through with it, did she? No, she told herself, she'd already made that choice days ago. It was just a matter or when.

Then again, with that logic, when could be years from now.

She didn't want to hurt him. But the only one forcing her to, was herself.

But what was the thing behind all of this?

Diana allowed herself the troubling truth. Dallas Winston was the first person that she thought she might love. She didn't know what love was. But the feelings she was starting to have for this boy, she was certain, that could be the only way to describe them.

It terrified her.

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