reason to live (short story) - (UPDATED)✔️

the old book.

Nolan

   mental health is no joke. i feel myself levitating in the clouds as i reach the surface of my thoughts that engage with books, a personal library. the condo is huge and having not leave two areas around the house, i figured it would be fun to look through the books for old time's sake.

   i often avoid the large space since i've been into a more modern taste of stories and as i've known, some of these books are older than i may be. i remember when we first moved in, Elliot's dad had stopped by to look at the house with us. he's a writer and artist, Elliot looked up to his father, he was praised frequently for his working art and after he passed away, Elliot had found comfort and support through the art that i too would create.

   he pays attention to every detail and he always would say that mistakes were only closer to the heart. yet, i still care deeply about the bold strokes on the paintbrush and hesitate to show him my work in fear that maybe he'd lose faith in me as he constructively builds himself up, in ways that only shut me out. i still doubt. his reassurance and comfort should be enough, and so i think of his soft words as i scan through the room.

"you're so much more deeper than the eyes could see, that's what i've always love about you the most."

   there's so much to this space. every little detail of the modern room spoke in different ways to me, some of it resembling pain and grief, some happy and graceful. i pick up an old book, dusting it off with my sleeve as i observe the details of its cover.

  Ellie read me this book the first night we had settled in the house with our things. he told me that his father and mother would take turns on different nights to tuck him in, this just so happened to be the book that his mother use to read to him as a child. the memory came back like a core instinct.

i rub my fingers against the details of its roughness. the captivating closure from holding such an item was intense and from then on, i'd felt a certain connection to the book. that's strange, i don't get told a lot about Elliot's childhood but the written signature of his name inside of the book makes me feel as though i've grown alongside him the entire time. i let out a short sigh while placing the book back to its rightful area before going upstairs.

__

i decided i'd make dinner tonight. i hadn't cooked in a while and my adrenaline was making me feel productive so it was only fair to make a couple of goals while i was at it. i called Julie, she told me about this new guy she's been seeing and how he had food in his teeth the moment he tried to go in for a kiss.

i enjoyed listening to Jules. her stories could sometimes be hard to comprehend but entertaining nonetheless. today i decided to make sushi since it's the only acceptable meal that i'd ever go for at the moment and i figured Ellie would enjoy it since it's been a while since we've eaten it.

i chuckle at Jules bickering as i look towards the plant. "one second." i say putting Jule on hold midway through so i can tend to the plant's need by watering it. i observing its leaves one last time, after that, i took in the view of new york from the glass of our condo. sighing as i look at the big city in such a small way.

after a second i went back into the kitchen. "mmkay, continue." i say with an amused smile as i instantly hear Jules continue to bicker and complain on about how terrible the date was, in some way i couldn't help but feel bad for her. her sense of taste when it came to men was well... off? yeah, in the nicest way possible it just wasn't it.

she always somehow attracts the men who prioritize everything but her. i'd started to come to the conclusion that maybe it was just the aftermath of having daddy issues with her father at a young age because growing up with single a narcissistic parent could be a tough road to ride on.

and if anyone understood, it was me.

after a while, we cut the small talk and we both call it a night. i had gotten a call from Ren right afterward, she did her daily checkups and as aspected, i hear the door rattle with movement as i'm welcomed with a happy boyfriend.

  he looks to me with a content smile as he wraps his arms around me, with not so much of a word nor warning. i chuckle at his sudden show of affection as we both let go to plant small pecks against each other's lips. "hi beautiful." he says cuffing my face to kiss me more passionately.

  for a second i started to forget my previous thoughts as i feel myself being lifted as our lips respond to one another at a slow pace. his arms locking around my waist i slightly pull away to breathe while i motion towards the food on the counter for him to see, losing my words in the blissful moment.

so much for having sushi night i guess.