reason to live (short story) - (UPDATED)✔️

communication.

Nolan

   i look to the darkness of the glass. my fingers making lines through the city of New York as i observe the sweet feeling of loneliness in new forms of "art." i'd like to think of myself as a stable person in a loaded land of freedom. without the effects of it all, where only you and i would lay.

   the breaks of lightning would stay on a full long stage where you could only see the way that i break. forth love and truth over anything more. eyes at the sight of every little picture that i've ever adored.

pictures of you, pictures with me.

p.s  Nolan
—

   the television reflects from our bodies as i feel the candles on the table sweet summer scent spread around the living area to the kitchen. lighting up small areas of the room as i mold into the comfort of your hoodie. your scent unlike the others, the lightness of lavender body wash rushing through my brain as the familiarity makes me feel at home.

your fingers slip through my hair as i feel you massage my scalp while your arm firmly wrap around my waist. your head resting on my shoulder as i observe the book i'd just received from Ren the other day. she said it was sad and intriguing, she said it would suit my taste in books, and that it does.

i think back to moments that i'd felt like the main protagonist. his enduring regret for having not felt love the way that he'd trusted would be returned in his favor. unrequited attractions, you know and they know and yet, you continue to love what you've gave and lost.

it's sad, it's true.

"have you eaten today?" i feel your words brush against my neck with such a question, in return i nod, not feeling the heavy weight of words to be my first option. instead i invest myself further into the book. having not said enough is better than nothing at all. knowing that, yet i fall silent in your embrace. afraid that affection like this would one day go away with the wind and i'd lose you in hopes that i could find me.

"what's the matter?" i listen to the genuineness of your tone. i wanna lie, say nothing, move on, and act as if i've never felt such sympathy from a character i can't even relate to. "i'm scared." the words roll off my tongue without hesitation. i didn't mean to say that. i wasn't thinking, yet i don't question the sudden word choice. i can only hope that you'd understand as much as i do.

you lean up from the couch, pausing the movie you were watching, and turn to me so that i would be able to directly see you. i settle myself on your lap as i try to recap everything i just felt, it's hard to explain these things out loud, especially when it comes to telling you. it's always been hard to speak my truth, having not had the ability to feel such irrupted vulnerability still stuck with me.

but the look on your face, the reassurance and hope. why do i still feel like such a burden to your life? like your biggest mistake, one that neither of us knew how to walk away from. i want you... i do, i just want you to want me too.

"i just- it's complicated." i pause as i feel myself crumbling from your soft gaze, i hate crying in front of you, it makes me feel pitiful and selfish but we need this, communication. i'm trying, i really am. but yet everything in your eyes, the glow. will it one day fade in the night like moon dust?

just speak, trust him.

"i feel stupid, you work so hard every day with your job and all, then you deal with me. what if i'm holding you back from living because i can't find it in myself to do the same? then this whole thing will be for nothing, just building up fortresses to tear down." i mumble, i don't wanna see the hurt from your expression so i look down, i don't wanna hurt you too.

i feel your soft touch brush against my face as you cuff my cheeks into your palms, pulling my head up to face you. "i never choose to deal with you, i just want to love you. i'll never see you as a responsibility. i just want to show you better because that's what you deserve." your soothing voice coming closer to connect our heads as i feel myself breaking down.

tears flooding down my face as you wrap yourself around me, the comfort of your chest resting against me was a feeling unlike others. you plant a soft kiss on my forehead, "i love you so much more than you'll ever know." the words escape your lips as i lean closer to your body. the embrace giving me security and warmth as you whip the tears from my face.

"you're such a crybaby, but i wouldn't have it any other way."