Anything But Ordinary

Chapter 10: Autumn: Road to Recovery

Death isn't quite as peaceful as I thought it would be. It's heavy, dense. But then again, I'm probably not dead.The few events that happened right before I passed out play in my mind over and over again. It is all I see, it is all I know. It is my reality. Each image plays slowly, like a sad movie. My thoughts are hopeless, my dreams are empty. There is no one to turn to. Do I bother trying? Not a chance. I really do want to try, but all my nightmares are the same: leave. 

      Black and white images dance behind my eyes. My mother breaking down the door to save my life, my obsession with wanting to die, the constant pain and agony of having to go to school only to be bullied. I still feel it, it still hurts.

      My world goes black after that and it takes me a while to realize that it's just the back of my eyelids. A throbbing sensation starts in my head, making me all too aware of my surroundings. An itching in my throat tells me I'm thirsty, but I don't want to open my eyes. I don't want to know what's going on around me. I just want to sleep.

      So instead, I listen. There's a familiar beeping noise, one that I've heard countless times in TV shows and movies. The beeping matches the tempo of my heart. Beep, two three, beep, two three. There's a shuffling sound, and I hear a woman's voice, "Oh Walter, she's coming to!"

      A man's voice, "Are you sure?"

      Dang, I shouldn't have woken up. My heart starts to race a little, and I hear the beeping on the monitor increase. A warm hand awkwardly squeezes my left wrist gently. Left wrist. My eyes flicker open. I am greeted by two smiling parents. This must be part of my dream, for I haven't seen my parents together in over a year.

      Unless this is real and they're together because of me. 

      At last I open my eyes. I am greeted by my mom's blue eyes mirroring mine with tears. She strokes blond pieces of hair away from my face. She doesn't say anything. Neither does my dad, who stands behind my mom looking grief stricken. I don't know how long we stay like that, the three of us saying nothing.

      I can't believe I did this. I close my eyes and choke on words that I will never say. Why couldn't they have just let me die? Now I have to go back to school. I don't want to face anyone. I don't want to face life. At least not now. Not after what just happened. In my mind, I already know what is going to happen. People will stare. Point fingers. What will they say this time? Wasn't I already the suicidal freak? The witch? That fatty with no life?

      A part of me is furious at my mom, for knocking down the door. My heart rate increases out of pure hatred, and I open my eyes, "You!" I spit, looking my mom directly in the eye. "You're the reason I'm alive! It's all your fault!" 

      Her hands go up to cover her mouth, while hot tears stream down her face. She incoherently mutters how sorry she is over and over again. But I don't care. I keep yelling at her. My dad gently tries to hold me back, and this only makes me angrier. I try to jump out of the bed while my dad continues to try and restrain me. But what am I going to do? Strangle my mom? What good would that do? 

      I cry and scream and let all hell break loose until a nurse suddenly bursts through the door. She calmly tells me to settle down. I don't listen. I keep yelling at my mom until the nurse sticks a syringe into my arm and my world gets heavy and fades to a black abyss once more.

      When I awake, I am no longer in a hospital room. I'm lying on a white bed and facing four white, clean walls. To the left of the room there is a chair and a desk next to a window with white bars over it. I turn to the right to see a large door. There is no window on this door. At first I don't understand. Then I do.