The Seer And The Stetson

The Burden of Goodbye

"River, what's the matter, Sugar?" Abigail asked softly. She watched curiously as the young man stormed into camp and without a word began to hurriedly pack his belongings.

"Ma'am," he stopped suddenly turning to face her, "I aim to leave, at the present moment". Glassy eyes filled with unshed tears stared back at her. Abigail didn't know what it was but something cut this boy deep.

"River," she whispered, rising to meet him from her seated crouch near Hershal, whose intelligent gaze missed very little these days.

Abigail placed a hand atop his to quiet him as he stuffed his satchels with crumpled clothing. "River, you can talk to me. What's this about? You've been happy here with us, ain't ya, Son?"

His bottom lip folded between his teeth as he fought back his emotions. Abigail's nurturing and loving qualities always reminded him of his mother. Telling her the truth and breaking her heart was harder than he thought it would be. He blinked rapidly before speaking again, "Yes ma'am, I've been very happy with you and your family but there are things you don't know about me. Things that I've done..."

He couldn't finish. He didn't want to bear witness to the tender look in Mrs. Sweeten's eyes turning to revolution and rejection. He couldn't sever his last bond to Ellie. She loved them and so did he.

"What have you done, River?" She asked but turned to the sound of heavy footfalls right behind her. "Ellie."

"He's an outlaw, Mama." Ellie arrived. Her eyes were red with anger. Her hands clenched to fists at her sides. "I knew something wasn't right about him. He's a thief, a rapist, and a proud member of the Klan."

"Now, I wouldn't believe that iffin' Jesus himself came down and told it to me." Abigail's hand anchored at her hips. Ellie was taking this too far. "Ellie you need to apologize to him right now. I'm sick of yo sass-" A hand dropped to her shoulder and her words paused.

"Mrs. Sweeten, she's tellin' the truth," Abigail turned to face River wide-eyed and confused. "But-"

"Everything she said is the truth." He rubbed his hands together nervously, "'Cept I ain't never touched a woman without her wanting me to and I never believed in any of that racist shit about the superiority of whiteness. Pardon my language, Ma'am. Only thing I was ever superior at was fucking up," He shoved a rough hand through messy curls.

Pleading eyes focused on Abigail, "Believe me when I say I didn't choose that life, Mrs. Sweeten. And every day in it just about killed me. I made my choice to live different. To be different."

Abigail said nothing. She saw his hope for redemption dwindle and die behind his eyes. His shoulders slumped and she could almost hear his heartbreak.

"Mama, he's part of the Utter gang. They killin' anyone or anything getting in between them and River Collins. They dun found out he's been riding with us. So we next on Clyde Puckett's list. He already left a trail of blood in Black Brooke." A click sounded when Ellie pulled back the hammer on the pistol aimed at him, "You leave right now, Collins, or so help me. I'll do Clyde's work for him."

Abigail gasped stunned by Ellie's impertinence, "Girl, you put that down right now!"

River snorted, advancing on her until he stared into the barrel of her gun and smiled. "Do it." He said. The misleading smile vanished giving way to something crueler and far sadder. The face of a man embracing death.

"You pointing that gun at me and blabbering about how much you want to kill me but I'm beginning to doubt your commitment." He challenged. "Do it, Ellie. And put us all out of my misery."

Ellie straightened her arm, pressing the barrel flush to his forehead. He could see the resolve wavering in her eyes. Gone was the brash warrior, in whom he had no doubt would put a bullet between his eyes. Her hesitation gave him hope.

"E-Ellie," A grated, scratchy voice called out. Hershal pushed against a tree, slowly but precariously standing to his feet on his own for the first time in weeks. "P-put it down, now."

"Oh, my sweetheart. I knew you'd come back to me." Mrs. Sweeten rushed to his side to help support him as he shook on unsteady feet.

Shocked, Ellie's mouth hung open and the gun dropped to her side. "Papi..." She whispered stumbling to her parents through her tears.

"What's going on here? Mr. Sweeten you recovered," Jolene said as she and Maskwa returned to camp from their search for Ellie.

The seriousness returned to Ellie's face, "I think it's 'bout time you pack your things, Missy, and get on ya way." She un-cocked the hammer still clutching the weapon in her hand. "I think you lot have done enough to put my family in danger."

"Ohhh Lawd, I think she's pissed." Jolene smiled with unshakable calm.

"How can you tell?" Maskwa whispered from behind her.

"Well, you can tell her moods by looking at her hands. Like right now, she's clutching a gun." She pointed to Ellie's hand. "I don't think she's at all glad to see us."

"You damn right I ain't." Ellie squared her shoulders.

"Enough both of you! Now you wait just a minute, Ellie," Abigail said sternly. "It ain't up to you who stays and who leaves."

"Mrs. Sweeten-" River started.

"River, don't you, Mrs. Sweeten me. You should've told us you were being chased by the Utter Gang. Then we could have been more prepared to help you, Son. I knew you had a past and I knew you were running from something. It don't matter to me, River. You's a good man. So don't leave. We can sort this out."

River's heart sored in his chest at her words. His hope to save their friendship rekindled. But, he couldn't stay. Ellie was right he should leave. "I can't thank you enough Mrs. Sweeten for everything you've done for me but Ellie's right. I've put y'all in danger and if I stay it only gets worse from here. So I'll be leaving."

Abigail covered her mouth choking back tears. River ambled to her. She and Hershal threw their arms around him. 

"Be safe, Son," Hershal muttered. 

Abigail pressed a kiss to his cheek as he stepped back from them. As he turned to walk away Hershal grabbed his hand. 

"River, thank you for everything. But, I gotta ask one more thing from you. "

River's brow furrowed, "What can I do you for, Mr. Sweeten?"

Herhsal pulled him closer to whisper in his ear, "Promise me, if anything happens to me, you'll  care for my Ellie."

River began to protest but Hershal squeezed his hand tighter. "There's no one else that I can trust to care for her." 

"You needn't ask but you have my word." River nodded. 

River and Jolene climbed their mounts. River tilted the dirty hat atop his head at the Sweetens. His eyes moved to Maskwa who stood protectively near Ellie. He decided to stay behind and River was glad of it.

They shared a brief nod, creating a mutual understanding between them. He was leaving Ellie's protection to him in the meantime. His gaze shifted to Ellie.

He didn't see the malice or hatred he'd expected. He saw something that could almost be mistaken for regret. He dared to hope that one day she'd let him come back to her. One day she'd let him love her. 

Leaving Ellie was not by choice and not from a need of self-preservation for River. But there was no other way to accomplish that task of her protection with him there.  When that happens, leaving is no longer a choice but a duty.