Crumbled dreams (JINKOOK)[Completed]

6

entry 9)

I stopped video calling my family. They were constantly asking why I am looking thin and tired.

What would I tell them? That my husband doesn’t spare me a glance and my mother-in-law has put me on strict diet with only soup eating two times. Nothing else. Not even fruits. It will only cause them worry. So I will just call them. No video call from now on.

I miss them.

I don’t want to be here.

Its hurting me.

Too much.

(Entry 10)

I fainted today, again due to hunger. I was so hungry but I don’t wanted to eat anything. Jungkook wouldn’t like me if I am fat. I shouldn’t eat other than what the dietician told.

I couldn’t help of that time, when I fainted due to exhaustion while climbing hill, probably two ears before. How worried my family was then. They all pampered me for a week telling me how unhealthy it is to faint. I was showered with hugs and my favourite things all week. And here, I already fainted three times, but no one by my side. All alone in this cold damn apartment. I tried to talk to Jungkook but he ignored me without even listening to me. I even tell Mrs. Jeon about my frequent fainting’s but she told me its normal thing during diet.

It hur-

(entry 11)

Its my birthday today. My phone is constantly ringing since morning. My friends and family, even my juniors called me to say happy birthday. I felt so happy. But they were constantly asking me about mine and Jungkook’s married life. Even teasing me happily. It was hurting me. So I switched off my phone. They were thinking how much happy would I have been living here. Rich and handsome husband. Loving family. But The reality is too different. HE didn’t even wish me. I didn’t hope at this point either. We are stranger still it’s nearly month after marriage.

(Entry 12)

I am so hurt. He----------- he said I am “No one “to his friend. Was he ashamed of me?  I did so many things for him. I even changed myself. I done everything I could do b-but still I am not enough for him. Why.  Why. Why it has to be like this? Am I that bad? Didn’t he saw in what state I was standing in front of him, in his office? Even a stranger was giving me a pity look and he, my husband was yelling at me. Why? Didn’t he saw I was shivering?  I was bleeding? Why? Why? Jungkook? Why? Wh……………………………..

(Entry 13)

The first time I saw Jungkook, I fell in love with him. But was too scared to confess. I thought he will be the one for me though it’s an arrange marriage. But I was wrong. After living with him for one month, I know what my place in his life is. I am “No One” to him, but I didn’t realize when he became my everything. I wanted to cry, yell but I stopped myself. I won’t be doing it anymore. I want to get out of here now. I had enough. I don’t want to give my everything to the person to who whom I am no one. I will call Eomma and Appa. Tell them everything. They will take me from here. It will be hard but I want to get out of this loveless marriage. It’s eating me inside.

(Entry 14)

Life is full of suffering. And there is no ending to my suffering. I called Appa and Eomma today. I told them what happened in the month. I told them every detail, hoping they will understand my suffering. They will understand my pain. But………….

But what I got was “Be patience, Jungkook will warm up.”

I felt so helpless. Instead of helping me they warned me not to end the marriage. They told me how it will affect their reputation. Eomma even yelled at me. Appa was silent he said only one thing. “If you divorce Jungkook, you will be dead for me.”

Why everything is like this?

Why my own parents measure their reputation first, before their son’s happiness?

Why it has to be me?

Why I have to go through all this?

Why?

It pains.

More than anything.

It hurts so much.

Why how many hours I cried, It still doesn’t sooth my heart.

Why the pain is not going away?

I want it all to end.

(Entry 15)

I found a way to lessen my pain. I don’t know why but every time I cut it really felt good, less painful. It made me happy. I didn’t have to worry anyone seeing though. Jungkook is too busy to glance at me and those teachers Mrs. Jeon hired were didn’t even cared. So I am free to do it every time I felt sad.

(Entry 16)

I am sitting in balcony writing as always. But first time I noticed, it’s so high. High enough for a person to die. Will I die if I jumped from here? It’s not like anyone would care. I also don’t have any reason to live anymore. Will this pain end after that?

A tear fell on Jin’s diary. Then second. Then third. And it continued. Jungkook closed the diary. He didn’t knew his action will affect Jin this much. He cried while hugging Jin’s diary to his chest. People were giving him weird looks but he was not in a condition to worry about that. He should have paid attention to his husband. But he failed. Too miserably. He never thought his mother would do anything like this. He know about the teachers. It was not anything new to him as he had grown up in that elite environment. But he should have known how hard it was for Jin. He at first place, should have been by Jin’s side. But he was farthest from him. He wanted to go and hug Jin and told him sorry numerous times for his mistakes. But he stopped himself from doing that. Jin will think he was pitying him after reading his diary. He will make everything right for his Jin.

“I will make everything right Jin. Please hold on. I am sorry.”