Hard To Reach

kabanata 12

It was cold, the fog was thick and the night was young. I shivered when a gush of wind touched my bare skin. I was only in my hospital gown, the cold penetrated the thin fabric.

Napahinga akong malalim at tumingala. The dark vast sky, with no stars to be seen, just the moon serving as the only light. Sumimsim ako sa hot chocolate na kanina'y binili ko sa canteen upang kahit papaano ay mainitan ang katawan ko.

Kahit anong kumbinsi ko sa sarili ko, di ko parin talaga magawang pumayag sa gusto ng aking mga magulang. Wala akong maisip na positibong dahilan upang iwan ang lugar na ito. Mahirap.

I hugged my self at pinagkiskis ang aking mga palad. I felt a lump on my throat dahil sa pagpipigil kong umiyak. Bakit ba hindi ko magawang ipaglaban ang gusto ko? Bakit ba ako nagpapaalipin sa bagay na hindi ko naman gusto? Bakit ang hina hina ko?

Apat na araw na lamang ang natitira bago ako lumipad. My plane ticket and passport was already taken care off. Wala ng atrasan ito. If only i could dis obey them just this once. Pero wala. I'm an epitome of what you call a "good daughter". Living in the expectations of many. Takot akong may madissapoint na tao. I'm weak, I get it.

Naibaba ko ang dalawa kong paa na nakapatong sa bench. Naramadamn ko ang presensya sa aking likuran. I looked at my side upang makita ang nakalahad na panyo.

"You could cry if you feel like it. Mahirap pigilan ang nararamdaman mo." Paminula nya at tumabi sa akin sa pag kakaupo. Napaismid nalang ako sa itinuran ni to

"Says the one who doesn't even show any expression" sagot ko.

He stared at me with his usual cold look. Nakita ko ang paglabas ng hamog nang bumuntong hininga sya. Ang lamig na nga ng gabi, mas papalamigin nya pa.

"I'm here to comfort you yet you choose to mock me"

Napaiwas ako ng tingin sa kanya. Comfort? Marunong sya nun. Bago ata un ah.

"Who said that I'm mocking you? Ikaw lapa nag isip nun ah"

Muling napuno ang kapaligiran ng katahimikan.

"You could stay if you really want to" napatingin ako sa gawi nya. Nakatingala sya sa kalangitan habang ang mga kamay ay nakatago sa bulsa ng pantalon.

"What I want doesn't really matter" I smiled bitterly. That's the ugly truth

In that very moment, I again met those electric blue eyes. Hindi talaga mapag kakaila ang ganda ng kanyang mga mata. It can easily drew you in.  It doesn't fail to mesmerize me every single time. How could this man be this gorgeous.

"Cause that's what your mind is set on. You always could reprogram it. Our lives is ours to own. Don't let anyone take it from you. Voice out your thoughts" every word was like knives, it hit every target.

"Asther you freed me from the cage i locked my self in. Now it's time to help yourself. What you don't realize is that, your just like a seer, watching us escape that dark room while you kept yourself stuck in there. Learn to not be selfless. What you want matters" the athmosphere became serious.

Napayuko ako upang itago ang aking mukha. Tama lahat ng sinabi ni Archer, I couldn't even help myself. Napakagat ako sa ibaba kong labi upang pigilan ang sariling umiyak. Why do I break down so easily? I shouldn't be this weak. 

napatingala ako nang may maramdaman akong telang pumatong sa aking balikat. the manly smell of Archer filled my nosetrills, it was intoxicating, it smelled real nice. binalak kong ibalik sa kanya ang jacket nya ngunit tinaasan nya lang ako ng kilay. 

he gently held my wrist. my brows met,  I looked at him with confusion. di na nya ako sinagot at inalalayan akong patayo. mas nagtaka ako ng tumigil kami sa harap ng kanyang kotse. pinagbuksan nya ako ng pinto at hinawakan ang tuktok ng kanyan kotse upang maiwasan ang pagkauntog ng aking ulo. mabilis naman syang umikot at umupo sa driver's sit.

nang akamng simulan nan nya ang kanyang kotse ay agad ko syang pinigilan."hindi pa ako pwedeng lumabas. hospital rules Archer" napatikom ako ng aking bibig nang seryoso nya akong tingnan

"learn to break the rules then"saad nya at nagmaneho na. 

sa kabuuan ng byahe ay nakatingin lamang ako sa labas. no one talked or insisted on starting a conversation. the drive was quite relaxing actually he didn't drive fast nor slow. napatigil ang sasakyan sa isang gasoline station he unbuckeled his seat belt dahilan para mapatingin ako sa kanyan

"just wait here" sabi nya at lumabas na. i watched him as he ran to the convinience store. it only took him a few minutes. bumalik sya sa kotse dala dala ang malaking supot. inilagay nya ito sa back seat at muling nagmaneho.

the drive didn't took long. pinagbuksan nya ako ng pinto at dumeretso sa trunk ng kotse nya. we were at a cliff. balak nya ba akong itulak dito para walang makakitang di sya ang gumawa. no no, that's just a stupid thought. 

he came right beside me holding a blanket?

"picnic at night. what a very romantic  idea mister Cohen" panloloko ko sa kanya. picnics are only done during daytime where the sun shines its best. it's my first time seeing someone do it at night. 

"oh stop complaining miss Lumeul and just sit" he said. 

pinanood ko sya habang inilalatag nya ang mat inayos nya ang kanyang ipanamili sa gitna. he sat on it and looked at me and then the space beside him. 

"wear this"sabi nya sabay abot ng hoodie na ngaun ko lang nakita. tumango ako at isinuot nalang ito. 

"night has been more relaxing than day"panimula nya at tumingin sa tanawing nasa aming harapan. I couln't agree more.

"shout your worries here, no one will judge you"muli nyang saad. i chuckeled dahilan para mapatingin say sa gawi ko. 

the moonlight directly shone on him, it highlighted his features more. God his genes screams beauty. di ko napansing nakatitig na pala ako sakanya. i quickly diverted my gaze to the city lights and rested my chin on my hand.

I heard him tsked. lumingon ako sakanya to see a a playful smirk on his face. "your shy" he stated at humarap sa akin.

"feelingero ka talaga" naramdaman ko ang pag init ng aking pisngi. i put the hood on para di nya mahalata.

nagulantang ako nang bigla sayng tumayo at pumwesto. he placed both of his hands around his mouth

"f**k the world" sigaw nya

"why is the world so blind?" huli nyang sigaw bago ako hinila patayo "it's your turn now" he smiled

huminga ako ng malalim. inilagay ko ang dalawa kong kamay sa bulsa ng hoodie nya.

"i don't want to go. just let me be." una kong sigaw.

"i want to be loved"

"i want to be true to myself" 

i felt free as i shouted all my worries out. the weight was being lifted slowly. the heaviness in my chest disappaered. I unconsciously smiled as i ran out of breath. it felt nice.

i looked to my side just to see Archer looking at me. he also had a sweet smile on his face

"you don't know how beautiful your smile is Asther. you don't know how it could easily melt hearts"