In Sickness And Health ~Shikamaru~

Chapter 40

The operation started off smoothly. As I sat there and watched the doctors hands move at Reira's head and the nurses go about the operation, I took long drags from the cigarettes Alsono had given me. If angels had silver hair and burgandy eyes...

I had some time to think while I was in there. White fog clouds formed on Reira's oxygen mask everytime she let out a breath. It was rhythmic and relaxing to watch. She's relaxed... like always. Ad I keep thinking it's just like always too. She's just laying there nice and relaxed. My hand reached out and met the glass that separated the two rooms. If I reach out and touch her, she will open her eyes and smile at me.

The day I told her... the day I told her I loved her... when she was in my room and we were playing shogi... she had said something that I now completly understood. "I couldn't stand the thought of never seeing you again." The words came out of my own mouth as I watched her. "Yeah... I know... I know now Reira." When I had been captured by the rebels in the snow, everyone thought I was dead. She took it the hardest...

"Three mesh cuts needed. First mesh going in now." I heard the doctor say. It's progressing very well. Maybe everything really be alright. "First mesh attached. Second going in."

I lowered my head and took a drag from my cigarette. Relax. This is Reira. She'll be alright. I kept telling myself that over and over again. The surgury has been going on for about half an hour now. I had just let my eyes close and my body relax... when the panic began.

"Doctor, she's rejecting the mesh!" The nurse yelled. My head popped up, my heart beat faster than I could have thought possible. No... The doctor grimaced behind his mask and he worked furiously. No... Please no... Her heart monitor wailed wildly and those white fog clouds came faster and faster. They got slower though. No! Slower. Slower.

One fog cloud. A distant flat sound. Everyone stood still. My heart wanted to. The doctor pulled down his mask and put his head in his hand. "Call it." NO!

"Time of death, 9:47 A.M."

It felt like someone was choking me. The heat in my chest burned hot up into the back of my throat and it was so hard to breath. I didn’t want to though. How easy would it be if I could just die right now? If the pain of losing Reira, my Reira, would just kill me and allow me to hold her again. You can't take her... You can't take her away, damn it!

The memory of when Asuma-sensei died danced in my mind. This pain is so much worse. It was finally then that the air began to fill my lungs again, only to be dispelled in loud and painful cries. I can’t handle this. Everything around me was blurry and slow and there was nothing that was safe from my despair.

Alsono and Choji ran around the corner, the moment Al looked through the window into the operating room though she began to scream. I couldn’t hear the scream though. I couldn’t hear anything, my vision was fading, it was like my entire world was disappearing with Reira. If only it could be that easy. I didn’t realize I had begun to hit the wall until my hand started hurt. And even then… I just kept hitting it. Over and over, I punched the wall. My hand started to bleed. I'm almost certain it's broken. But everything else felt broken too.

The sound of the flat line is only a ghost sound to me. In my mind I’m seeing my Reira, long black hair fanned out around her as she laid in the grass, a large smile on her face as she looked up at the clouds through the tree top. That was only last week. That was only last week, damn it! Just a few days ago she was happy and laughing and trying to show me that she was okay even though I knew she wasn’t! Yesterday even she smiled at me even though she didn’t even know who I was!

Even yesterday, she held my hand and smiled as she laid in bed. Even though the doctors said there was no way she was able to process who I was she still held my hand and put it to her cheek like she knew exactly who I was. She can’t be gone now. That smile can’t now just be a memory. I lowered my head to the floor as this revelation hit.

I shouldn't have left her. I should have stayed by her side yesterday. I wish  had just so we could have had that time together. She made the connection when I was gone! I knew something was wrong! I could see it. I could see it damn it. But I left her. I broke my promise. That was the last memory she had of me. Breaking the promise I made to her when this started. I broke my promise. I broke my promise and now Reira is... she's dead.