EMOTIONAL DISTANCE

March

"Almost ready!" Paul called from Adrienne's kitchen down the hall where she was waiting on the couch.

He had been in her kitchen for most of the afternoon making his grandma's recipe for meatballs and homemade sauce. He and his grandma made it together every time Paul slept over as a boy. Sometimes he wished his grandma was his actual mom. He hadn't touched the recipe since she passed away but he wanted to do something special for Adrienne's birthday.

"Any bread?" she asked as they sat down to eat.

Paul frowned. "I forgot bread."

"Wine?"

His face dropped.

She laughed. "I didn't expect you to get wine, I'm just asking if you want some."

"Oh. Yes, please."

"Red okay?"

Paul nodded. Admittedly, he'd never had red wine before. As he took a sip, Adrienne waited for his reaction. He squinted at her and asked, "Got any sugar?"

"Ew," she said. She balled up her napkin and threw it at him. A corner of it touched his plate, splashing tomato sauce onto his shirt.

"Hey!" He shouted but they both cracked up.

"This is delicious, Paul," Adrienne said. As she spun spaghetti around her fork, she chuckled to herself.

"What's funny?" Paul asked.

"Nothing."

What is it?

She sighed. "I was just laughing about, uh... English people."

"English people?"

"Well, one imparticular. And his shit palate for Italian cuisine."

"I don't get it."

Adrienne looked up at the ceiling. "It's not important. I was just laughing about a time we went to an Italian restaurant—it was a chain—and I thought the pasta was terrible. Like, Chef Boyardee bad. And he goes," she put on a posh English accent, "Hmm. This is the best pasta I've ever had!'"

Paul laughed to be polite. "This was a boyfriend, I take it?"

She resumed twirling spaghetti around her fork. "Yeah," she said.

"Did you break up because of his shit palate?" Paul pretended to sound nonchalant even though he wanted to know every detail.

She smirked. "Maybe partly."

"What was the other part?"

"Dunno. I guess we got to the point where we either get engaged or break up."

"Cause you needed a green card to stay?"

"That's only an American thing. There's no such thing as a UK green card."

"Oh."

"But yeah. My teaching fellowship ended and lockdown happened and, I don't know, I realized how much I actually hated living somewhere where I was the outsider. And then I started hating my life and I didn't have a good reason for being there anymore. Adam wasn't enough. I guess liked the idea of him more than I liked him."

Paul wondered if she just liked the idea of him, too.

"It's fucking stressful being in your late twenties. I feel like I've wasted so much time." She put the fork of spaghetti in her mouth.

"How long were you together?"

"Like, two years," she answered with her mouth full.

Paul nodded as he took in the information. His longest relationship was seven months and two weeks. He was aware that Adrienne was watching him.

"Man, I can't believe you broke up with an English guy," Paul said. "I thought all girls — women— swooned for that accent."

"It's overrated. Besides, I swoon for guys who rear end me with their cars." She took a sip of wine and swallowed. Then she realized how bad that sounded and pointed a finger at him in warning. "That was not a euphemism!"

They both laughed.

/

Later in bed, Paul and Adrienne were sweaty and panting. They had just finished having sex. Paul almost said he loved her out loud during it. He kept thinking about saying it while they were lying there.

Adrienne wasn't relaxed. She was propped up slightly and her eyes were staring straight ahead, seemingly at nothing. When she saw that Paul was looking at her, she said she had to tell him something.

It was the worst formulation of a sentence that anyone could ever say to another. Paul felt immediately cold and he got goosebumps on his legs. He turned over and propped himself up on his elbows to see her fully. She wouldn't look at him.

"Remember how I just had my period?"

"Uh huh."

She swallowed. "Well, it was late."

"Late?"

She nodded. "I bought a test... and I used it, you know. I peed on a stick and everything." She closed her eyes and kept them closed for a very long time.

"Adrienne," Paul said, "I'm sorry. I wish you told me. I could've been freaking out with you."

When he was dating his last ex, she was late by one day and was convinced that she was pregnant. Paul left school early with a stomach ache because he was so anxious. He was on the computer reading about all of the abortion options when his ex sent him a disgusting photo of her bloody underwear and this emoji 🙌

"No," Adrienne said. "I wasn't freaking out. I was actually upset that the test was negative." Tears rolled down her cheeks. "I want to be a mom," she whispered.

She kept seeing the number 29.

29.

29.

29.

"I'm so old," she said. The tears kept coming. She sucked in a staggering breath.

Paul wrapped his arm around her waist. "You're not old."

"Ha," she said. She was embarrassed. She hadn't cried since the day she decided she wanted to move home.

"I think I'm in love with you," he said.

"What?"

"I said, I think I'm in love with you."

"No."

"Yes." He pushed himself up so he was sitting back on his heels. He was looking down at her.

Adrienne felt like the younger one.

"I think you're the most amazing person I've ever met," he said. "And I don't think I'm in love with you. I know I am."

"Oh," she whispered. She reached out her arm and pulled him to her. He pressed his cheek against hers, burying his face in the pillow.

When she was in her early twenties, she knew exactly what love was. She'd lost that feeling of certainty, but she knew what would happen if she didn't say it back.

"I love you too," she said into his hair. 

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*Photo by https://unsplash.com/@ninjason