A Little Risk ★𝒮𝒾𝓇𝒾𝓊𝓈 𝐵𝓁𝒶𝒸𝓀☆ |On Hold|

Lonely

Chapter 11

Lonely

It was 4 days before the full moon of October, which was to be on Halloween day. This was both fortunate and unfortunate for Remus Lupin, who currently was at his desk, grading an essay on Red Caps, which the student, Dean Thomas, had performed exceptionally well on, as the whole class had. This made Remus swell with pride, knowing that while the students were wholly responsible for their high marks and excellent performance, he'd played a part too, though little, but still a part. 

He'd just finished grading Dean's essay and marked it as an E, as Dean had made some errors, but otherwise, the essay was spotless, and he wanted to give the boy honest feedback. He'd just reached for another one on his pile, this belonging to Hermione Granger, and judging by the sheer length of it, he'd be at it for a while. He put his quill back into his inkpot and just stared at the office a moment.

There was a knock on the door. "Come in," he greeted.

Severus Snape bustled in, holding a goblet full of steaming potion of a silvery, almost transparent color. "I have made the potion on Dumbledore's orders once more," Snape drawled. 

"Ah, thank you, Severus, if you could just put it there," he motioned to the side of the desk.

Snape begrudgingly walked over and placed the goblet on the desk. "Make sure to drink it immediately Lupin, that meaning right now, with nothing added."

"Of course," Remus murmured. 

Snape sneered and with a swish of his billowing black robes, strode purposefully out of the room.

Remus let out a sigh as soon as he was gone. He'd been holding back several remarks that he'd been itching to say, yet just couldn't to Snape. It wasn't because of Snape himself as if that was the only reason Remus would have spoken his mind, yet... he couldn't. He couldn't stop forgetting their earlier years at Hogwarts when Lily had stood up for him when Remus had tried to persuade the rest of the boys to leave him alone. After his true nature was revealed, however, everyone, including Remus and Lily, turned their backs on him, and rightfully so.

But it almost felt like preserving Lily's memory by not saying anything, as he knew that even when she knew about him and all the horrible things he had done, she had always tried to see the best in him, though there wasn't much to see. 

He ruefully looked over at the goblet of steaming potion. The Wolfsbane Potion, a potion that Remus had longed for in his Hogwarts years as soon as he'd heard about its existence. And the fact that Dumbledore had refused to provide him with any, though he wasn't the type to hold a grudge, and as with most things that he did, Dumbledore had his own reasons for not supplying him with any. 

He was thankful for the potion anyhow. Not just for the safety of his job and his students, but also because the potion brought him a relief from his lycanthropy that he'd never dreamed he could have experienced. The only problem was that this potion was absolutely revolting. And on top of it all, as Snape had told him with a sneer, he wouldn't be able to add anything that would make the taste bearable, such as sugar, anything. And its smell was something else, something that Remus hoped for his own sake that he'd never smelled before until he'd been introduced to the potion. 

But he had to drink it. 

He shut his eyes tightly and downed the whole goblet. He opened his eyes once more and set the goblet on the table. It left a sickening aftertaste, but he'd bear with it. Deciding that he wouldn't be able to fully concentrate on the essay, though he knew that anything from Hermione Granger deserved an O upon receiving, he wanted to give her the feedback that she deserved honestly, without skiving off any work as much as he would have liked to. 

He looked out the window, which gave him a clear view of the Whomping Willow. He'd hated being there alone, which was why he was forever indebted to James, Sirius, and Peter, though it seemed that he was only in debt to Sirius, and frankly, he didn't want anything to do with I'm anymore, his having killed his own best friends, maybe even Remus himself should he have been there.

He still had trouble with the idea that they were actually gone. Peter... though they hadn't exactly been close, he was a Marauder, therefore like a brother to him. James, he was just amazing. Every good adjective, brave, strong, funny, smart, caring, that was James. It broke Remus's heart to see Harry in class, his looking so much like his father. And his eyes. Lily's eyes. Lily was the sweetest girl he'd ever met, Remus's best friend. 

And last, Sirius. His first real love, most likely his last. He hadn't gotten to say goodbye, but now that he knew what Sirius was planning to do and had done, he was glad he hadn't. He hated him. Accusing Remus of spying for Voldemort simply because he was a werewolf. Granted, Remus had suspected the same of Sirius, because of his family origins, even though he'd always known and thought that Sirius hated his family. 

Not anymore. 

He'd been right. He'd regretted being right on several occasions, yet when he'd heard the news, it was a physical pain. How could he? And yet there was the evidence of his own eyes and ears. The newspaper articles of James and Lily's deaths, of young Harry, surviving, and Sirius' face on the papers as he was being sent to Azkaban. 

He'd hoped that would have been the last time he saw that face. This is why it was all the more startling to see it filling up the front page of the Daily Prophet, right underneath the title, which screamed, SIRIUS BLACK ESCAPED! He didn't know what Sirius was planning. Killing Harry? Given his background, it would be likely, and that was what Sirius had set out to do. 

Remus shook his head, still puzzling over the fact that Sirius Black would actually murder someone willingly. It was unreal. Sirius, one of the most caring men he'd known, yet the same man who had killed 13 people with a single curse, one of those 13 being one of his best friends, though anyone who'd known them in their school years would have said that Sirius of all people disliked Peter the most out of the Marauders. 

And he'd been responsible for the deaths of two more of his best friends, and nearly their son. A total of 15 people died because of one man. 

He turned away from the window, not being able to look at the tree anymore, and the painful memories that it brought. Even good ones that had happened were tarnished because of the truth of what had happened to most in them. He was alone.

They'd made a pact when they were younger. They'd always be friends, even after Hogwarts, they'd meet up for the full moons, and they'd do everything that they'd done during school, especially the pranking, though with a considerably smaller amount of victims. 

He was the only one left who could fulfill that promise. But he couldn't do it alone. 

Loneliness. An emotion that Remus Lupin hadn't thought that he'd feel again, especially in the magnitude that he currently was feeling it in. How could he have been lonely with the Marauders by his side? It was when they'd left, that was when everything had gone wrong. That was when Remus's whole life had crumbled down. 

That was what he was, what he was, as he believed, destined to be. Lonely.