Needing You

The First Night Together

John took a deep shuddering breath as he approached the door of 221B. A million things he wanted to say, yet none of them seem right. He loved Sherlock, and he wanted to be with him. Of course, that was a bad idea, as he was married with a family on the way. For the longest time he had been able to suppress the feelings he had, but after their kiss, Sherlock was the only thing he could think about. He opened the door and walked up the staircase. Sherlock, I love you. John thought. Sherlock I need you. I am so sorry. Tell me what to do...He got to the door. He remembered how broken Sherlock had been the last time he had opened it. It hurt his soul to the core. What was he going to do now? He was going to make things worse, and he knew it. He shouldn't be here. He had to see Sherlock. Selfish. He knocked, and then opened the door.

Sherlock fretted sitting in John's chair. He wrapped his arms around himself rocking slightly. It was just nerves just nerves and guilt. He counted John's steps up the stairs, the faltering just before he reached the door to the lounge, the debating whether or not he should open it. He has a family, will have a family. What about Mary? What about me. I wanted this longer! But he won't leave her, he wants you but he won't go you know that. Sherlock slumped, it was true John wouldn't leave Sherlock, wouldn't stop this, they'd just carrying on like it wasn't destroying three people's lives. "Why are you here?" He bit out.

John took a deep breath. Sherlock was sitting is his chair, and that struck him like a thunderbolt. He was thinking about me..."Sherlock, we need to get this sorted."

"Fine let's get this sorted," His voice tore a little, refusing to look at John. "How." He demanded softly, "How do we sort this out?"

"You are the one with all the answers." John choked out. "Here, I will just say everything, then pretend that it is not me talking, and give me advice. Can we do that?" John asked. He wanted to look at Sherlock, but he kept his gaze hard on the ground.

Sherlock bit his lip. "Yes fine, here...consult me." The words poured off his tongue reluctantly. As if I could ever be objective without smashing myself in two when it came to John.

John cleared his mind so he could talk freely.

"When I met you, you were the most amazing person. Your talents for deducing things that seemed impossible was mind boggling. You just swept me up like a hurricane into your world of crazy, and I loved it. I was lost. A broken man. You helped me in ways I can never even explain to you. You gave me a new meaning, a purpose in the madness. I cared so deeply about you, but I never said a word. When you died, it very nearly killed me. You were such a huge part of my life, then you were just gone. It took me a while to move on, but when I did, I never fully moved on. I met Mary and she helped me come to terms with life without you. When I saw you again after 2 years I was furious. Not only because you let me think you were dead, but because I was just about ready to move on from you, then you come back with all of your brilliance, and you save my life again. I will not go through life without you by my side, but we have to find a way to be with each other and not be brought to misery because of a desire that cannot be taken care of. I love you Sherlock. I need you. I cannot let you get hurt though." John was lightly crying at this point.

Sherlock took a shuddered breath, he was silent for what seemed like hours, John's words ripping him to shreds. "You want my consultation?" He drawled, "You don't want to be without me but you don't want to be miserable with me so you won't leave her. You just want your feelings to go away." He felt his voice crack. "I don't mind if I get hurt for you though. I can keep a secret; you'd have Mary and your proper life and me whenever you wanted."

"I wouldn't be miserable with you. Best years of my life are the ones we spent together, living here and solving cases. I just want you to know that." John hurt, but he knew he had to ask. He mustered up the strength, and looked Sherlock in the eyes. "Would it... would it just be easier for you if I stayed away? I am not saying I want to, not at all, but would that be best? I mean, if you have to stare at gruesome death after every time I am near you..." His voice trailed off as sorrow filled him.