HIRAETH - P. PEVENSIE (2)

XI. Lacuna

Lacuna - a blank space; a missing part.

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The first couple of months they had been back in London were very hard for all of them. Susan and Peter were less emotional about it, but they would sometimes look out at the trees and sky wistfully, as though expecting Aslan to appear from behind them. Lilith hardly slept because she cried so often. The fact that she'd never go back to the place she had fallen in love, made a family, and protected for so many years broke her. She'd never speak to Caspian again.

Lucy and Edmund were better with it, and Lucy often held Lilith's hand when she began to look worse. Peter had given up fighting, choosing instead to spend time with his family. Susan had to help Lilith get motivation for school, as Lilith had to help Susan stop doing homework when they had time together. Edmund and Peter got on better. Lucy and Susan had deep talks. Lilith always placed herself as close to Peter as she could. Peter wrote her notes and letters. She told him she loved him every day. He gave her good morning and good night kisses. Edmund allowed more hugs and affection than he would have before. Susan walked Lucy to classes so Lilith and Peter could see each other more.

They all wrote letters to Helen Pevensie, their mother. Even Lilith got a letter from her every week. She was invited for Christmas. Of course she said yes, writing to her foster family to tell them she'd be going back to the Pevensie's house for the holidays. They were glad she wouldn't be home. She was glad she'd get to spend time with her real family.

"Are you going to go to bed, Lilith?" one of her roommates asked softly. They could all tell something was off, but none of them pried about it. Lilith shook her head and smiled.

"I think I'm going to write by the window for a bit. Have a good sleep."

The other girl nodded and went to her bed, falling asleep almost immediately. Lilith watched as the others followed suit, giving each a smile as they tucked in. The moon and stars shone outside as if they knew what she needed to do.

She and Peter had written each other letters quite a few times, so she already had her pen and paper near the window. She reached for them now, knowing what she needed to do to let Caspian and Narnia go.

Dear Cas,

The tip of her pen dug in a little on the comma, as if reminding her to keep calm. She took in a deep breath before continuing.

I can't believe I didn't think of doing this before. This is what I need to do to let you go.

I don't mean I want to forget you. I promised I would never forget. But I need to accept that I can't go back. I will never see you again. Someday your voice will be a distant memory. A happy one. One I can think of when I'm sad. One I will hold dear to my heart for the rest of my life.

Someone will tell me this was all a game someday, I'm sure. They'll think you were a character I made up in my head and that my attachment is unhealthy. But I know the truth. Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy all know the truth. You are real. I did not make you up. I really love you as I would love my child. Because you are real.

Narnia will prosper under your rule. You are a kind and just person, with the wisdom of someone beyond your years. You will bring peace across Narnia. The guidance of our friends will not be needed, but you will accept it gratefully anyway. I know you will. As I know you will find someone to keep you grounded during your rule.

Please do not hold back if you feel something for anyone else. Susan would not resent you for it. Nor would any of the rest of us. You'll never see each other again anyway. You might as well keep yourself happy. Have a family with an incredible person. Think of us when you're sad, but don't dwell as I have. You need to be level headed and present, not buried in memories as I am. Please.