one

thirteen

Maeve's point of view

Finally alone, I let my legs dangle precariously off the edge of the windowsill and looked down at the cigarette dangling between my fingers, barely acknowledging its presence. It felt weird to be back in the asbestos toilets. Somehow dating Jackson had shifted my life sphere affecting far more elements in my tiny world than I had anticipated. It's not that he was a bad guy, anything but, just maybe not the right guy for me. I suppose in a strange way, I never really pictured Jackson and I seriously being together and so the necessary mind shift from mindless sex to a committed relationship had been more than confusing. It didn't help that the more time I spent with him, the more my mind unconsciously flicked to Sophie, her vanilla scent consuming my every thought.  And the only person I actually wanted to be confused to about it was also her. The girl who went quiet every time I went near her, shot disappointed glances at me in the hallways and had stopped coming over in the evenings. It was like she always managed to force herself back into my thoughts sufficiently to send me on this torturous roundabout of emotions but not enough to actually satisfy me in any way. Fucking feelings.

I rubbed the dark circles under my eyes with the back of my thumb and threw my cigarette onto the floor simultaneously letting out an unconscious sigh before watching it smoke gently on the grimy tiles. Life seemed thick, choking almost and I felt increasingly out of my depth in my ability to solve an overwhelming pile of problems.

I hopped off the windowsill, dramatically ground the cigarette into the floor and grabbed my bag. "Come on Maeve you dickhead" I muttered to myself "they're just people". I tapped my toe several times on the floor, anxiety already coursing through my veins. 

"Fucking hell". Lighting another cigarette I sat back down.

...

Ironically the day only seemed to get worse. Having eventually hauled myself out of the bathroom some time before the beginning of fourth period, I was immediately accosted by a group of Jackson's admirers who insisted that not only I sit with them for lunch but hang out before the school dance later that evening. Jackson on the other hand was still angry I hadn't met up with him first thing and so spent the afternoon sending pouty face emojis to me, I think in a futile effort to be cute and relatable. As usual I blocked them all out, making the decision to make up some reason I was busy that would make it impossible for me to go to either after school event. 

The fact I'm here at the dance though shows that somewhere along the line that changed. I don't want to say it was Sophie that made me do it, but it was Sophie that made me do it. Somehow seeing her making plans to go with Otis was enough to persuade me that I needed to at make an effort to show up and thanks to my brother's slightly worrying ability to rinse money out of people, I had an actual dress to wear as well. As soon as we arrived, I lost Jackson in the crowd and began to look for Sophie in amongst all the dancing couples. She was wearing a short black dress, that somehow managed to accentuate the contrast between her badass personality and her vulnerable, almost elven figure but in a subtle overwhelmingly beautiful way, and leant against the wall chatting to Aimee. 

"Maeve" yelled Aimee suddenly, gesturing wildly at me, "come and join us". I walked over slowly, trying not to seem too eager, after all this was the first time someone I cared about had been genuinely pleased to see me in a while. "Hi" I said quietly, ignoring the croak in my voice that had immediately appeared now I was next to them, "you both look beautiful". Sophie looks beautiful my head corrected me. Sophie met my eyes for a second before looking straight back down at the ground. "Thanks" she muttered, almost sarcastically. "Actually", I carried on, trying not to let my intense vulnerability come across in any way "Soph can I talk to you". Hearing the nickname, her head snapped up but unsurprisingly she was quick to look back at the floor, "I guess I mean fine whatever".

...

Handing her a cigarette I cleared my throat. The intensity of the silence was already starting to make my skin crawl and I was unsure how to start the conversation. Talking had never exactly been my strong suit. Luckily, sighing a little at my incompetence, she stepped in "Maeve what's up". I looked at her for a second. Everything was up, that was the whole problem. "Maeve" she tried again, "come on, you said you wanted to talk to me". I sat up straighter, internally kicking myself for being so uselessly nervous, "no I do, I really do, it's just complicated". She looked down, and I saw the beginnings of a frown start to form on her face. "I really miss you" I finally got out. She rolled her eyes. "Maeve you do know dating Jackson doesn't mean you have to exclusively spend time with him and that bunch of retards". "I know", I interjected quickly, "I guess it just scares me about how much I don't want to spend time with him, you know, we're meant to be in love". She looked up at me, confusion filling her eyes "meant to be? Maeve love isn't about duty, you've got to really truly feel it. It's like when you're falling asleep, they're the last thing you think about and you have songs which take you right back to your first conversation and just being with them will make you feel overwhelmingly safe but also scared because it's a big deal and you didn't expect it to happen so quickly" she gushed out, only stopping when she was totally breathless. I inhaled sharply, realisation dawning on me, and opened my mouth to speak "Soph you don't...". 

Suddenly we were interrupted by a very drunk looking Jackson, followed by a sheepish Otis. "Otis what happened" Sophie asked him. "Jackson is drunk, very drunk" Otis replied, odd hand gestures making it clear he felt uncomfortable. I took a second deep breath, simultaneously shaking the words I had been planning to say to Sophie out my brain. "Okay Jackson come over here by the sink and", before I could finish Jackson lurched towards Otis. "Hey Otis, if I give you another fifty, will you tell me how to get with Maeve". Time stood still. "Otis what the fucking hell did you do" Sophie yelled fiery eyes forcing Otis into submission. "I might have told Jackson what you liked for money". I curled up in the corner, blocking out everyone in the room. "But I gave the money to Maeve" Otis continued. "Oh because that makes it so much fucking better", Sophie spat back, getting worryingly close to hyperventilation, "get out". 

Once they were gone she shook her hands slightly and bounced on the heels of her feet, letting out any remaining adrenaline in a rush of untamed aggression before collapsing on the floor next to me. "Shh, Maeve it's okay" she whispered, wrapping her arms around me and finally giving the world the permission to blur out.