one

twelve

Sophie's point of view

It had been about a week and a half since Maeve and I had had our almost kiss incident and nothing had changed. Genuinely, I wish I was joking, but not only had we had approximately zero conversations about what had happened, but now Maeve had a boyfriend which, though devastating, had at least made it obvious that she didn't feel anything for me. To be fair to the boy though, he had made an impressive effort persuading Maeve to say yes. It's not every day, there's a real life rom-com in the school dining hall. Since then Maeve had spent more time with Jackson and considerably less with me which, though understandable, really hurt. In retaliation, I had added several more songs to my ever growing Maeve-playlist. 

4. Wait - Earth, Wind & Fire

I listened to this on the way home after the almost-kiss, in a fleeting moment when I felt oddly confident in the idea that even if Maeve hadn't figured it out yet, we would end up together some day, no matter what happened in between. I don't feel that way anymore but I do think in a sense I'm not forcing myself to wait for Maeve, but rather I can't help but do anything else. In this way, I'm rooted in a fixed position, not because I'm expecting her to glance back and miraculously see me differently, but because I can't change the way I look at her.

5. Mess is Mine - Vance Joy

This I added a few days later when, sitting on a wall outside the bike sheds, I felt it gush uncontrollably through my headphones twisting my brain into thinking about nothing but her. It's reassuring lyrics describe someone choosing to take someone else's burden. In this way, what before has been mess shouldered by the other person, is now shared between them, gently balanced so that both are kept safe and no individual has to take the brunt of the issue. What's somewhat more intense for me though, is the way the song describes the way that being with someone, even only temporarily, can make you feel ridiculously strong. You look at the world differently, and words that used to hurt seem to bounce off, barely scratching your skin. Simultaneously though, the person worries they have shared too little in proportion with the one they love. That is everything to me because on the one hand contemplating total sincerity feels impossible but equally I'm terrified I'll lose everyone I care about because I can't be the truthful person they need. It's the same with Maeve, to be realistic right now would be the end of the little friendship we have left, but equally when I'm alone with her, I feel like my secret is pressing down on me, making the air feel thinner and the room increasingly claustrophobic. 

6. Drop that guillotine - Peach Pit 

Finally, Drop that guillotine is hypocritical and self destructive. It describes someone intentionally hurting someone else and humourises the situation, making light of the killer's incredible skill to destruct so with so little effort. Furthermore it's catchy tune, almost, but not quite disguising it's dark lyrics reiterating this idea that something that feels beautiful and free like love, can, in reality, be killing you slowly. Maeve was like that for me, I loved talking to her, holding her, watching her lips turn upwards at the corner, just being with her really, but equally watching her smile at Jackson, my heart twisted painfully. 

I smiled at the piece of paper and shoved it back into its, now permanent, place in my guitar case. Though arguably, ridiculous, it was the only way I knew how to deal with the way I felt for her. Otherwise it seemed inevitable that feelings would end up overwhelming me and I would tell her how I felt, simultaneously destroying our current dynamic. A voice interrupted my thoughts and I saw hands boasting chipped black nails float into the edge of my vision. "Hey" I smiled weakly, looking up at her. Maeve hummed back in response, dangling a cigarette between her lips. I looked up, shocked by the weird intensity that seemed to be slowly and confusingly filling her eyes."Sophie" she started, shiftily looking at the floor, "I need to...", her phone buzzed loudly, jolting us out of what can barely be described as a conversation. "I have to go" she said, glancing down at the screen. Jackson. I tried desperately to hide the hurt that had filled my eyes almost constantly since they had started dating. It was one thing knowing she didn't like me, but to see her with someone else, was just breaking me a little more than I had anticipated. She looked at me, properly and for a second I felt like she was equally sad to go, but then footsteps, and gone.