HIS (Complete ✅)

Chapter 6 (You are to me what rivers used to be)

"I know you're in there Teh. Please open up. I just want to talk." Another knock shook the door.

Tay stood at the opposite side, his forehead leaning against the door frame, and his resolve gradually disintegrating. New has been at this for close to 40 minutes now. Tay hoped that if he ignored him he'd go away but he hasn't budged yet. He has ignored New's messages and phone calls since that day at the restaurant. It looked like New didn't like being ignored.

"Babe," New let out a heavy sigh. "Please."

Let it be known that Tay put up a good fight. His tenacity shattered with the endearment. "Damn it!" He opened the door and stumbled backward from the force of New's hug.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled against Tay's skin.

Despite earlier reservations, Tay wraps his arms around New. God, he missed the man. It had been just two days but holding New again felt like coming back home after a long trip. How did it come to this? He had known this man for barely 6 months yet his happiness revolved around him already. It was this realization that made Tay break their embrace.

He brushed his hands over his face suddenly so exhausted. "I can't do this." New started to close the gap again. Tay held him at an arm's length. "Please don't come any closer."

"Don't ask me to stay away."

"You're being selfish!" Tay snapped, frustrated. "What about me huh, what about him?" He hated how broken he sounded on the last word. He was tired of pretending this was normal. "I have given you every part of me from the very moment we met. All I get in return is a glimpse into your life every now and then."

"That's a lie and you know it."

"Don't give me that bullshit about protecting my feelings. I cannot go on like this. I feel like I'm borrowing you, like at any moment, you can decide you don't need your side piece any—,"

New shook his head fervently. "Teh, please that's—,"

"I feel dispensable! I kill myself trying not to picture you with some other person when we're not together, . I wonder if you smile the way you do when you're with me. If you kiss him—,"

"Stop it please."

"—like you kiss me. It kills me not knowing when you're going to get rid of me. It's clear you're not going to leave him."

"It's not as black and white as you put it."

"Then help me understand! Why did it take you so long to text me the first time? Why were you crying the night y—you seduced me?"

"I did not sedu—,"

"That's not the point!!"

New flinched. "Please don't raise your voice at me."

Tay took a deep calming breath. "Sorry."

"Do you want to know why I didn't text back immediately? It's because of this." He motioned vaguely between them. "I was avoiding this. I knew this was going to happen."

"So why did you?"

"Because." He threw his hands up. "You're right, I'm selfish. I wanted you! I saw you. I saw your eyes. I saw you wanted me and God, Teh, I wanted you too. I had to have you.

"I tried to stay away, I spent three weeks trying to delete your number from my phone. When I couldn't, I gave in to my selfish desires and I don't regret a second of it. On the night that I 'seduced you'," Tay rolled his eyes at the air quotes. "I was a mess. My boyfriend was out of town and it was our anniversary.

"What do you do when you have a boyfriend who was hardly present? You try to forget. I thought I was going to see you that night. Being around you—," He stepped closer. "It makes me forget how bad things get. You look at me like—," He met Tay's eyes. "Like this." Tay looked away. "When Arm said you couldn't make it, I canceled because there was no point of going if you weren't going to be there. I didn't want them to see the broken version of me so I went somewhere else to drink but—I broke down and called you instead."

"It was your anniversary?" Tay inquired, appalled. He couldn't get past that but if information. "You slept with me on your anniversary. Were you thinking about—,"

"No, I wasn't."

"How are you so calm about this!?"

"I'm selfish. I thought we established that." His sigh was shaky. "I'm so selfish that I don't want to let this go. This is the happiest I've felt in a long time, Teh." He drew closer. Tay allowed it. "You are to me what rivers used to be. You quieten the voices in my head. You make me feel seen again." He touched a hand to Tay's jaw. "To me, you're everything."

"Why is that not enough?" A tear rolled down Tay's face. He quickly brushed it away. "If I'm all that to you, why won't you choose me?"

"It's not that easy."

"I see," Tay stepped back. He let New's hand fall off his face. That response was all the resolve he needed to do what he had to do. "I have to end this. If you care about me, just a little bit, you'll let me go. I feel too much for you and it's only going to get worse."

Silent tears streamed down New's face. It hurt to see him this way but it had to be done. Tay wiped New's tears with his thumbs. "Hey, babe," He waited until New's red eyes met his. "It's the best thing for us. Think of this as a meaningless fling."

"Please don't say that." He whimpered.

"Sorry. I don't know what to say. This is hard for me."

"Then let's not do it."

"It has to be done. I'm going to miss you so much."

"Can I call once in a while?" He sniffed.

"I don't think that's wise."

"How about a text?"

Tay sighed, "New—,"

"I know I know," He said. "This is so hard. May I kiss you one last time?"

"I wouldn't be able to let you go if we did that."

"How about a hug?"

"I can do that." Tay closed the gap between them. He enfolded New in his arms. They stayed like that for a few seconds, basking in each other's warmth. Nursing their broken hearts. Then they slowly pulled apart, foreheads connected. At this moment, with everything coming to an end, Tay thought there was no need to hold back. "I love you, New."

New smiled through fresh tears. "I love you too." It was New who pulled away this time. His sleeves wiped the tears on his face. "Goodbye, Teh" He walked to the entrance and turned around at the threshold. "May I ask one last thing?"

"Go ahead."

"Why did you never share any of my pictures if I am as interesting as you say?"

Tay's laughter was empty. His shoulders gave a tiny shrug. "You're not the only selfish one, New. Some things so precious that you want to keep them to yourself. I don't want to share you."

He nodded once. "Okay. See you soon." He turned around and disappeared down the hallway.

A few moments after New left, Tay was still staring rigidly at his reflection in the mirror that hung on the back of the door. If this was goodbye, why did it feel like a promise of a new beginning?